Not allowed to use the word valid???!

[cofingalthetime]

So my dd has a b'friend, both are 19, and he's told her she is not allowed to say the word "valid" as it is offensive to him??? She thinks she should be allowed to use words that she wants to - what do ye all think...??
She said she uses the word 'valid' when he tries to say she 'shouldn't' feel a certain way for example - so she says 'my feelings are valid'.

Next he will identify as a potato and she can't eat chips.

Make her watch the short movie Purgatory on YouTube. This guy sounds like a controlling abusive arsehole!

Can you point out he isn't in love with her, only the compliant submissive version of her.
And that playing the part of someone who she isn't, just for the relationship will be fucking exhausting.

It's become noticably typical of the generation currently in their teens and twenties that they are startlingly unable to cope with variations of opinion on matters that are important to them. It sounds like he is hearing "my feelings are valid" as "your feelings are invalid" and he can only tolerate complete unity of thoughts and feelings. Obviously yes he's an arsehole but I suspect he's far from unique in this and she will need to be cautious to ensure that whoever she ends up with next has a better attitude. A seriously unsustainable character flaw like this can easily be missed during the first few months of a relationship if you don't happen to identify and topics where thoughts and feelings differ between the two of you.

I'm trying really hard not to just 'let rip' about what a "throbber" (great word btw!!!!) he is. Last night she was on the phone to him for hours. (I got no sleep - I couldnt' (didn't want to either) hear what she was saying ) just that it went on and on and on... Maybe he will get fed up and break up with her. I wish she would have the confidence to break up with him though before this happens. I hope she figures it out. I really don't think any amount of explaining is going to get through to him.
I really feel since they started to sleep together there's been a big shift in the relationship - the first couple of months she didn't want to, and he respected that, all good, and he seemed nice and charming etc etc. As soon as they start sleeping together this whole other side of him came out - the real him I guess. It was very noticeable. Does anyone else notice this with teen relationships. I've seen it so often with dd and her friends. It's like the boys think they own the girl after they've slept together. I'm not being old fashioned I don't think I've just found it really noticeable.

I hope she sees the valid light on this piece of work. I remember hearing with horror how my university friend's boyfriend wouldn't let her talk about her degree worries (he'd not got into uni, he was earning his way into his profession and doing well); he wouldn't let her talk about her illness (glandular fever) because he worked with ill children; etc etc (all these ways that essentially he saw her as somehow 'winning') It took her about six months to see sense.

God what happened to teenagers getting pissed and shagging. Sounds like an episode of Dawsons Creek.

I would ignore it and say it
If he is offended by it it is his problem
If that is going to upset him goodness knows how he will cope in the real world

@cofingalthetime Yikes!
After reading your update I think the priorities reshuffle, thus:

Ensure she is being safe with effective contraception, competently used, every single time.

Ensure she knows that the morning after pill and abortion are wholly sensible and valid choices for every woman to consider if her contraception fails.

Ensure she understands what a healthy, equal, respectful relationship looks and feels like - and that it is her responsibility not to settle for anything less.

I'm sure you've got it in hand, but I can see why you're so worried x

I think she can validly tell him to fuck off to be honest. Sounds like a right knobber

He is basically telling her that she can't have a certain feeling unless its OK with him as her telling him her feelings are valid is a no no

since they started to sleep together there's been a big shift in the relationship - the first couple of months she didn't want to, and he respected that, all good, and he seemed nice and charming etc etc. As soon as they start sleeping together this whole other side of him came out - the real him I guess. It was very noticeable. Does anyone else notice this with teen relationships. I've seen it so often with dd and her friends. It's like the boys think they own the girl after they've slept together. I'm not being old fashioned I don't think I've just found it really noticeable.

You're not being old fashioned & it's not just a teen thing.

Abusers tend to escalate as the relationship progresses through the usual 'markers' - eg engagement, marriage, cohabitation, & certainly pregnancy/childbirth.

With teens, they're usually only dating, so the big demarcation is when they start sleeping together. Yes - it's about his perceived ownership of her - but it's all rooted in the cycle of abuse (Idealise / Devalue /Discard). With careful probing you will be able to discover that he rewards her for compliance - Idealise - that phase lasts less & less time each cycle - he moves into Devalue with his idiotic instruction about using the word 'valid' to shut down DD's feelings - he will soon move into Discard where he punishes her for non-compliance,, or invents new 'offences' he can berate her for. Discard can be the actual ending of the relationship (usually temporary, as a manipulation, until he Hoovers her back in again with fake contrition & promises), or stonewalling, withdrawing, verbal abuse ...
DD then either sees sense & walks away, or is still enmeshed with him, thinks it's all her fault, & appeases him. In which case he begins again with Idealise.
This cycle plays out time & time again.

This content is likely to be 'too rich' for DD to digest right now - she's not going to welcome any notion that her b/f is controlling. We also don't know if hes personality-disordered or ... just a knobber (thanks PP!) so she would probably reject the descriptors of abuser behaviour in the link, as she will not want to consider that her b/f is abusive - let alone seriously dysfunctional.
But he could be - so, as background for you, to help you watch out for the usual indicators, you might find the site helpful -
outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Give her Women Who Love Too Much by Dr Robin Norwood

Give her this too OP -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

Should be on the curriculum for all young women ...

What's his explanation for her not being allowed to say valid?

Any explanation he gives would surely portray him as a pathetic, childish, over-sensitive, selfish prick?

And why would any girl want to be with someone like that?

If he only wants her if she's submissive, she'll be submissive her whole life.

Well if he doesn’t like “valid” she could maybe try

”I can feel anyway I want to feel, you cannot control how I feel you cunt. Are you some kind of controlling fuckwit who thinks they have the right to rule over my vocabulary. If you are one of those so called men who thinks it’s ok to undermine how a woman feels and gaslight her when she expresses herself, I suggest you take your abusive ass right out of my life, I will never be the sort of woman who bows down to a man’s self proclaimed superiority”.

I thought of this too, but might perhaps be a bit overwhelming for a teenager? By the way, there's a free PDF online.

If she demanded that he stop using a particular word or talking about a particular set of feelings and experiences, would be comply? If so, his behaviour could be a function of immaturity and inexperience. Perhaps he hasn't learned the difference between asking your partner to humour you even if s/he doesn't understand your logic ("please don't do/say this specific thing that bothers me for reasons I can't explain") and demanding compliance ("you're not allowed to do/say this specific thing that bothers me for reasons I can't explain"). Even so, the fact that he goes straight to demands by default isn't a great sign.

If he wouldn't do the same for her then nah - he's a bully.

As a side note: "my feelings are valid" shouldn't even have to be said - feelings are subjective so how could they be invalid? It's not as if she's putting forth some scientific hypothesis that can be tested and debunked. If he means he disagrees with her - for example, her "feeling" is that he's a knob, and he doesn't think so - they can have a conversation and each state their views. (I'm assuming he doesn't have some kind of trauma that is triggered, in the clinical sense, by hearing the term "valid"; if he does he still needs to express that clearly but I'd be inclined to avoid the word in that specific case without too much persuasion).

It's alarming that she doesn't see how controlling and toxic this boy is, and he's only going to get worse. What a shame she's wasting her youth on him. I certainly hope she's using contraception.