Not allowed to use the word valid???!

[cofingalthetime]

So my dd has a b'friend, both are 19, and he's told her she is not allowed to say the word "valid" as it is offensive to him??? She thinks she should be allowed to use words that she wants to - what do ye all think...??
She said she uses the word 'valid' when he tries to say she 'shouldn't' feel a certain way for example - so she says 'my feelings are valid'.

What a pretentious little git. He needs binning ASAP, but I suppose you can't tell a 19 yo that!

Her self esteem sounds low if she's prepared to put up with this sort of manipulation. It's good that she recognises it, but not good that she's prepared to accept it.

Does he even know what valid means?

Has he read some online bullshit and got entirely the wrong end of the stick?

This.
Of course he knows what it means. What he's saying is "my feelings are more important than yours" he's shutting her down.

Hopefully your dd will soon realise how deeply unattractive he is!

She said she uses the word 'valid' when he tries to say she 'shouldn't' feel a certain way for example - so she says 'my feelings are valid'.

She could probe a bit more.

Is it her being allowed her own feelings and thoughts which may differ to his that the issue - in which case she need to run a mile.

Or the actual word valid - in which case why and does he know what it means - though it depends on what is said it's also possibly a sign to run for the hills.

She thinks she should be allowed to use words that she wants to - what do ye all think...??

She's not wrong there.

It’s not he word he objects to. It her feelings he doesn’t like, especially when she’s trying to get him to see things from her point of view.

For years by STBXH told me I said things to him in the wrong tone of voice and it made him see red. I then spent the rest of the conversation explaining why I didn’t think I had used a cross/arsey tone of voice, forgetting entirely my original point. By arguing over the way I’d said something, he could ignore what I’d said.

I once read that if you ever get into a relationship where you think “if I could just find the right words he would understand what I’m trying to say”. The truth is he understands the right words alright, he just doesn’t want to hear them.

Buy her a book about emotional abuse/relationship red flags/controlling partners or even something about what a healthy relationship looks like.

Your daughter needs to ask this idiot 2 questions

1. What do you mean?
2. Why do you find it offensive

I’d be using the word in every interaction I could with the controlling little shit.

It’s not he word he objects to. It her feelings he doesn’t like

This. He doesn't like the word because he doesn't think her feelings ARE valid.

She'll learn. Just be there when she needs you.

I wonder if he's stretching to the use of the word for people and the old use of invalid for chronically ill people...

I wondered that too - but even so, there's nothing wrong with using valid/invalid to describe objects, feelings or situations as opposed to a label for a person. How does he reconcile a ticket or a coupon that's expired if you can't describe it as invalid (or indeed a current one that is valid) - does he consider that it has tangibly stopped identifying as a ticket any more?

Unless he's an extremely unhealthy eater - and unrepentant about it - and he thought she said 'salad'?!

Either way, I'm guessing his surname isn't Shilton or Seaman - as he's very obviously not a keeper, with a controlling attitude like that.

There ain't a red flag big enough, tell her to run.

Oh god this is a red flag.

As a grown woman I'd tell him to do one. As a 19 year old in love...? That's hard.

Yes. And also

1. what business have you telling me how I ought to feel?

4.why are you still here?

Agreed. And will henceforth use 'throbber' in this way.

Don't criticise him and make sure he doesn't have any opportunity to drive a wedge between you.

Just ask her in a puzzled tone, why she thinks he finds it so upsetting when she expresses her own needs and feelings and whether he understands that a healthy relationship needs to have a balance that meets both people's needs.

Tell her to ask what word she should use then as ‘valid’ and all synonyms are ‘offensive’. He won’t answer and then she can point out that what he’s actually saying is that he’s not interested in her feelings and is annoyed that she’s even raising them when his are obviously much more important.

He sounds an immature bully. Maybe share some examples of bullying in relationships and gently lead her to question her love and his character.

He sounds like a wet blanket. She would be better off without him.

I would be finding some resources about controlling behaviour and sharing them with her in very general terms.

"I'm not saying this applies to x but it's really important we recognise our own boundaries etc."

Wasn't there a TV series recently? Perhaps you could watch it while she's there.
Sure someone else can remember the title.

Being aware of red flags is something all young women should be encouraged to think about

He sounds like a gold plated anus, I'd keep an eye out for any of his other nonsense...

One good thing is that she's learned at 19 that some men are twats and not worth being in a relationship with.

She needs to bin him. He sounds like a controlling, emotionally-abusive arsehole. I have had boyfriends like this in the past...

One bloke I was with at 17-18 (just for a few months,) and he TOLD me I could NOT play my favourite band's music in my own home. He came around to see me at my parents house and I popped my fave band's album on, and said 'TURN IT OFF!' I said 'ha ha no, it's a great album.' He stood up, towered over me and said 'OFF!' then grabbed the stylus and dragged it across the LP, causing a scratch along it. He was dumped the same day.

Another time I was with a bloke when I was about 19 (he was 23,) and I accidentally missed the bus on the way to the pub to meet him and ended up being half hour late (no mobiles then.)

I got to the pub and said I am SO sorry and that I missed my bus! He stood up (in front of 5 people we knew) 'Do not EVER fucking do that again! Making a fucking fool of me by turning up late! I'll fucking lamp you one next time, DO NOT fucking push me!' With THIS face >>>>

I walked out and got the next bus home. I was really shaken. He phoned 4 or 5 times, and kept demanding I speak to him when my mom answered the phone. He turned up at the door twice too, and the second time, my dad said he's call the police if he turned up a third time. Never saw him again.

DO NOT ignore the red flags @cofingalthetime It may sound trivial - him telling her she cannot say the word 'valid,' but it's a slippery slope.

Presumably the words "cunt", "knobber" and "twat" are still allowed?

I would be very worried about her

Love needs bloody glasses

What a knob.

YABU.

Your DD needs to find someone more "valid" iyswim.