2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney ·
23/11/2022 12:55
I know there is a cost of living crisis going on and for clarification this is not about agreeing with my mother / both parents to not spend that much on presents this year between us. Quite happy to agree that sort of thing if that is what she/ they would prefer. This about my mother attempting to control what we choose to spend on our young adult children.
I think I am now being given “the silent treatment” for standing up to her……
This is what happened
So first a bit of background. My parents are elderly and pretty well off. My father is pretty generous , my mother tends to be generous for show or alternatively being particularly mean for show too. She has a complicated character informed I think by her version of her Irish Catholicism. At Christmas time, they like Christmas lists from all the family to choose gifts from. I always encourage my children to suggest a range of ideas: specific and general and varying costs. We start getting asked for lists from them at the beginning of November. I know some people don’t like lists and find the concept strange but they do. True to form we were asked for “our lists” a couple of weeks ago. Knowing they are elderly and don’t really like “stuff” these days I try to get consumables , things they request for them etc.
My daughter duly wrote her list and passed it to me.
One thing on it , the most expensive probably in fact was a cashmere jumper in neutral colours. I verbally passed things onto my mum including that but also the request for anything lavender scented and money towards a planned trip next year. Mum was hassling me for the lists.
Also by way of background and so as not to drip feed I am currently ill with pneumonia. It’s mild so I am at home, on antibiotics , resting a lot. When Mum and Dad found out , they were ringing just about every day to see how I was. This is partly how I know I am been given the silent treatment because the calls have stopped.
Mum did find a cashmere jumper in the Black Friday sales but not the right colour. In a fit of pique , knowing that one was unsuitable, she then suggested that mindful of the cost of living crisis , our mortgages and not getting into debt we all shouldn’t spend much on Xmas presents this year. I said we only ever spend what we can afford anyhow , but if they wanted us to agree to limit what we spent on them and visa versa that was fine. No she went further she wanted us to limit what we spent on our children. ( We tend to spend circa £100 on each of them depending on their needs) I just replied “ please don’t try to limit what I choose to spend on my own children” she then said I shouldn’t speak to my own mother like that and the conversation was finished soon after by her.
That was nearly a week ago and they haven’t rung since despite me being ill. My mum tends to give the silent treatment when she is annoyed with someone . She would ignore my Dad for days when I was a child, only making up at the “sign of peace” in church, which might be several days after a row. Last year she didn’t speak to me for a couple of weeks when I disagreed with her suggestion of no presents for anyone ie us not giving anything to our children or to siblings.
I am not sure what gets to me more: “the silent treatment” or her controlling behaviour trying to get me to restrict spending to token gifts to our children. I don’t think we go mad particularly at Xmas . We are relatively comfortably off , we don’t get into debt and generally we buy things our children need eg to set up home. I am not going to stop buying stuff on her say so for them. Admittedly a cashmere jumper is quite a luxury, but her list was small, knowing that.
I am not sure if this is another church thing in the run up to Xmas . Maybe other practising catholics could enlighten me. DH thinks it is. I think it is also my mums total inability to empathise. She doesn’t want “stuff “ anymore , so thinks others don’t need it either. I see them all at different times of their lives. I get it : my mum is elderly and doesn’t want stuff so I treat her to things like luxury consumables I know she enjoys her buy her stuff that does wear out- like the very expensive knickers or tights that she likes. Funny enough come Xmas morning, she is very happy to open presents containing nice things. My children on the other hand are starting out in adult life and need stuff to build a home. I remember that stage myself.
Not sure what my aibu is . As I said in the title, it’s a bit of a rant really. But some reassurance that I am not going completely mad and just ignoring her bizarre behaviour is the way to go , would be good .
Thanks for reading , it made me feel better writing it anyhow.