Slow burner, or am I just not into him?

[Kittykat9070]

Ok, so I’m recently dating a guy, only a few months.

He is literally treating me better than I ever ever have been treated before. He’s kind, Generous, and I know exactly where I stand.

My problem is, I’ve always gone for the crazy butterfly’s in my tummy type of relationship. But thinking back, the ones who gave me butterflies, I was also on edge, and ended up having my heart broken.

This guy… so I have no butterflies, I don’t have a massive yearning to see him, I don’t exactly fancy the pants off him.. but… when I’m with him I do enjoy his company! I do like spending time with him and then I end up thinking ‘actually I do fancy him’

So my question is, Aibu to just keep going with it?
Has anybody else had a relationship start like this but ended up really loving them? I don’t want to waste either of our time but I’m very confused right now . I know this man will give me a nice drama free life, he’s not an alpha male (which is possibly my problem)

As a side note, I came from a very turbulent family.. my parents were either loves young dream or absolutely killing each other. I’ve heard that people growing up in that environment believe none dramatics to be boring and seek the excitement of a love/hate relationship.

is this me?? Im late 30’s so I’m not a young girl new to dating!

Anyone ?

@Kittykat9070 I'm exactly the same as you. I'm mid 30s so not a young kid either.

My advice would be to ditch and get back on tinder 😁 but yeah, as I've said... I'm probably not the best to advise.

FWIW I'd started dating a really nice guy recently... but he was too nice, no butterflies... I ditched

If you ain't into now, with this being the most exciting stage then can't see how that will improve.

Yes you may well mistake that on edge feeling for excitement and the lack of drama for lack of passion. So whether you feel a bit unsure because he is straightforward and reliable or because actually he is dull and not for you may be hard to work out. I do think generally though if you found him attractive and wanted to spend time with him you'd know.

Have you snogged him? I mean really got a grip and passionately kissed him? That will tell you all you need to know.

I'm a big fan of choosing the feelings of contentment and stability rather than the butterflies / rollercoaster type relationship. I say give this nice guy a chance!

This could turn out to be the best relationship you've ever had. Sometimes relationships grow so strong based on solid foundations rather than it being lust from the get go. It sounds like you fancy him and enjoy his company, and like you've said previous relationships have failed with the butterflies. They don't count for everything x

Thank you so much for your replies everyone!

my last relationship was pure butterfly’s from the start, but he was absolutely Awful by the end, but I’ve never forgotten that feeling of fire in my belly and I think I’m expecting it with anyone going forward.

He’s so reliable, literally treats me so well.. but then I think is there just no challenge for me? But at my age I should really be thinking about stability rather than challenge.

Do I want to rip his clothes off? No.
Ive turned into a bit of a ‘pillow princess’ with him and tend to let him do all the work in bed.

Hes taking me away for a few days, so I’m assuming I’ll know by the end of that. I’m just so used to turbulent relationships, right from watching my own parents marriage and right up to my past ones that calmness unsettles me!

I think there may be something in your theory OP, as he sounds lovely to me and I have a long term happy marriage (as do my parents).

i think you should keep on with him; butterflies and turbulence are not really long term. i used to always go for the challenging ones and heartbreak usually followed. am now with someone much more stable; who is nice to me and nice to others. so much better in the long run - as long as you get on; that’s the main thing

I'm a bit the same. I tend to like people who are quite avoident and find secure people dull. But the best, healthiest relationship I ever had was with someone who was just kind, consistent and nice.
I think you should really investigate why you feel this way and if you would be making a mistake in the long term.
He sounds kind.

@Becky890 did you fancy him pretty much straight away? I think sometimes I do fancy this guy, and then other times I’m not sure!

@Fleetheart thank you, yes I agree that the butterfly’s are most likely warning bells!
I so want to like him, he’s just so kind and nice to me.. I guess I’ll know more after spending a few days away with him

I was the same as you OP and nearly gave up on him. I was advised by a friend that the most stable relationships often start as friendships (so no spark). She was right and we are still together 10 years later. The fire developed - just slowly.

@Catch21

yes, I saw a quote that said ‘people who are raised in chaos and conflict become adults who feel that healthy relationships are boring, and don’t feel connected unless there is a ‘spark’
they don’t know how to function in peace so need drama for comfort’

and that is me!! I just wish I knew how to change that

If you can afford it have some counselling to examine how your parents volatile relationship influences your feeling about relationships (and whether that's healthy).

@Perennis that’s so good to know, thank you

Do you want challenge and game playing, or do you want a nice easy life?

I'd give this guy a chance but then I can't be arsed with drama.

I didn't have butterflies with my now husband. Tbh, I just wasn't that into him. But, he was consistent, turned up when he said he would, would go to the ends of the earth for me and I still wasn't interested.

I had an operation and he couldn't do enough for me. He washed my hair, helped me get dressed, got up in the night to get me painkillers. Maybe it was the tramadol but it just felt. Comfortable? Right? Like this was it?

Keep going, you might be surprised!

@chelle0 that’s really good to know, thank you .

@Talkwhilstyouwalk I want the nice easy life, 100% I just need to train my head to stop thinking drama and fire = passion

Well you fancy him enough to shag him so that’s a good start!

Dh was a slow-burn. We were friends first and tbh it took me a good while to click with the relationship. I’d had my fair share of dramatic, bad boy relationships before this, and I do miss the excitement occasionally but I have something so much better (and more stable) now. I think the key though is that we have a lot of interests in common and even after many years together we’re never short of conversation.
Wishing you all the best!

DP was the first man to treat me kindly, calmly and with respect. No butterflies, just a feeling of belonging. And the best sex I've had because I trust and love him. Together for 7 years and I wouldn't change a thing.

I totally get this.

Similar issues with an ex -DP : adore him, but don’t want to rip his clothes off.

am not sure what to suggest. I finished with my ex but still miss him hugely. 🤷‍♀️

sorry that’s no help! Just want you to know you’re not alone in struggling with this!

If the butterflies haven't steered you well in the past they're not to be trusted. Give this one a chance.

You probably do need a relationship with less drama, but you can still have those "butterflies" with a nice and reliable man who treats you well! It's not one or the other. Nice men can be exciting too!