In regard to partnered relationships, what is falling in love and what does being in love, actually mean?

[EmbarrassedNameChangeDontJudge]

Like what is it?

Hm? It doesn't mean anything. It's a feeling.

Is that you, Your Majesty?

How is it different from loving friends or your children or parents? It can't just be about sex, because you can have sex without any love being involved. How do you know you're in love, and not just very fond of someone?

They say that falling in love is a chemical thing, and that love is what’s left over when the chemical thing wears off.

Yes, I’ve read about chemicals, last from 3 months to a year.

But what’s after that?

Do people just decide to stay?

I’m afraid I don’t know what majesty has to do with this.

I am two years in to a post divorce relationship. Definitely still in the chemical phase. However, we also prioritise each other, are kind to each other, like each other, flirt with each other and are committed and affectionate. It's lovely. We are much more loving in this relationship than my relationship to DH ever was.

I'd say being " in love" with my husband in comparison to loving other family members is the sexual element.

When Charles got engaged to Diana he was asked if he was in love and he said “yes, whatever that means”.

It feels like a large percentage of the world’s creative arts (literature, music, painting, sculpture) have tried to answer that question, and expect they will continue to do so.

The reality is that it is a subjective experience so love for me may not necessarily feel like love for you. It can also change over time, hopefully growing, sometimes withering. It can be joyous, comforting, frustrating, painful - all things, and sometimes many things at once.

I don’t think I have a better answer I’m afraid!

Falling in love I think of as the chemical bit. Being in love is a choice you make every day, over and over.

Being 'in love' is probably the only person in your life you actively choose. You love your family and kids automatically, instinctively, whereas your partner is a choice you make and a commitment you choose.

Agreed.

This what I’m wondering too.

I don’t believe in love, falling in love, being and staying in love requires sex at all.
I know many disagree with that.

Never thought there would be moment where I can relate Charles…..

Well...how does it really matter if you love someone or just have strong 'fondness' for them though?

If you want to be with them and in your life, then make that choice. If you don't, don't.

Are you in a relationship right now? Have you been before? Have you had romantic feelings? As someone said, there are songs, poems, novels and films dedicated to romantic love, what it means, how it feels etc. In a way it’s a universal experience which is why all that culture and media is so relatable and popular but it’s also a mystery. A complicated part of the human condition.

Op have you never been in love? I think you’d know if you had. When I was falling in love with dp there was obviously a strong physical reaction, but also a need to see him every day (although I couldn’t as I had dc), talk to him, hold him, and try to find out everything about him. It was overwhelming and I thought about him endlessly. Three and a half years later I don’t know if I’m in love with him but I feel more secure and content that we have a future together and we’re compatible. I definitely love him but he doesn’t take up as much of my thoughts as he did.

Falling in love is lust/limerance: a lot of hormones with a romantic idea built over the top of them based on who you think the person you are in lust with is.

Being in love is the way you feel if, after the chemicals wear off, the person is still who you believed them to be at the outset.

Obviously in the majority of cases the relationship won't make it past the chemical stage. Which is why "love at first sight" is an oxymoron and getting married to someone you've known a couple of months is a daft idea.

Just thinking about this again. Do you question the idea of lust or just love? I think the early heady lust stuff that can happen is definitely chemical and not limited to just actual sex eg shagging. I remember the first time I smelled DH’s neck and lay in his arm nook. It was like fireworks and finding home in the same breath. I’d been in love before, married and divorced, but never known anything like it. On a very basic level it felt like we were meant to be together and I wanted to be with him all the time. I like him, love him, find him interesting and funny, thoughtful, compassionate, I trust him and all that too. But I love lots of people and choose him in a particular way. The fireworks and home feeling persists years later. This love never hurts or causes me angst or drama. It’s comforting and exciting and homey as we know each other so well.

At the risk of all that being over sharing it might answer your question?

Reading people's description of love is just... lovely!

“One part of love is innocence,
one part of love is guilt,
one part is milk that in a sense
is soured as soon as spilt,
one part of love is sentiment,
one part of love is lust,
one part is the presentiment of our return to dust”

can’t remember who wrote that!

I don't question the idea of lust; I've definitely experienced that. But I don't know if I've ever been in love and I don't seem to be the sort of person anyone falls in love with. I don't suppose it really matters what you call it in the end, though.

Love feels like daydreaming about them touching you and kissing you. About being best friends and having the same odd sense of humour and inside jokes. About wanting to make them happy by cooking their favourite meal or watching their favourite film even though you don’t really like it but seeing them glow makes you enjoy it. Feeling calm and at peace in silence, being able to make fun and adventure out of everyday things. Long conversations. It’s also about facing your insecurities and overcoming those to try to be the best person for your love.

I’ve found my love and trust me you do know. I’ve been in love before, but what I have now is indescribable and honestly made me believe in soulmates. We’ve seen each other at our worst and we still love each other. He writes me the most beautiful poems. Ahhh love is good.

Falling in love is thinking joyfully and obsessively about a future together.

Being in love is the commitment that follows, even when things don’t feel so joyful.

Happily married 26 yrs and I suppose the main thing was once we started going out (we were good friends for a few months first) we just loved to be together so much we just didn’t want to be apart and decided to get married very quickly and ended up getting married within 12 months of first meeting. We just couldn’t imagine life apart and just didn’t want to be with anyone else. We still are best friends, still have a great sex life and still can make each other laugh easily. It wasn’t a giddy kind of love it just felt much deeper than that, more like foundational i.e. I want this relationship to be the foundation of the rest of my life. I can’t even explain it, as I wasn’t thinking about marriage and never would have expected to get married so quickly. I guess it’s just the feeling you can’t live without each other, or don’t want to.

“Love is more cruel than lust “
W B Yeats.