to have upset my friend

[theanswersaregrowinginthewind]

This has been playing on my mind since the weekend.

I was at a function (a close friends wedding) at the weekend. Its very typical for these types of events to end up in a party towards the end of the night- there was a band playing live music and usually everyone gets up and dances for a bit, or at least for one song. I suppose its just the done thing, unless you're absolutely not up for dancing which is obviously fine too. Most people probably dance for at least a song or two.

I was with a group of close friends. One couldn't dance as she was injured, the other didn't dance because they were chatting to others at the table and they dont usually dance at these events anyway. My other friend loves a good boogie (I despise that phrase but you get the gist!!!) and she wanted to get up for a dance and tried to get me to get up with her. Usually I'm up for it - I don't enjoy it and always feel a little self conscious but I just bear it to be sociable I suppose. But for some reason, this time my brain froze and I panicked. I really, really didnt want to dance. I felt so self conscious and embarrassed and the idea of getting up and dancing completely filled me with terror. I tried to laugh it off and say 'maybe later!' but my friend was adamant we had to get up for a dance. I wanted to get up and have fun, I wanted to be sociable, I wanted to dance with my friend, but I was terrified and couldn't do it. I tried to breezily say 'no thanks I don't want to' but eventually had to dig my heels in and say NO. My friend was physically trying to pull me up at this point and saying she didnt want to dance alone. I kept refusing to go up and my friend accepted it but she was annoyed at me for it. She didnt refer to it again but it was obvious she was pissed off at me and she said I was being antisocial.

I don't know what happened to me. Everyone feels self conscious at these things and nobody likes that dancing that's the equivelent of small talk- awkwardly shuffling and pretending to love it meanwhile dying inside. But this time I felt completely frozen with terror and didnt want to dance.

Other people sitting nearby heard it and looked at me like I was being weird, and a few people commented things along the lines of 'oh don't take yourself so seriously, everyone is dancing' and I felt so embarrassed by it all. It's been playing on my mind ever since the weekend and I feel like I made myself look like an idiot, and I annoyed my friend too. I dont know why I froze, I just really didnt want to dance.

AIBU?

The only person in the wrong here was your friend who tried to force you and thd people who made comments.

You've done nothing wrong. Her saying you were being anti social was to deflect away from her bad behaviour, that's all.

Your friend is a jerk. You should have only had to tell her once that you didn't want to dance.

Lots of people don’t dance.

A persuasive hand pull is one thing but trying to physically drag you is another. I think she is probably annoyed as a cover for her own embarrassment.

Forget about it

10/10 for using the word function

If she doesn’t want to dance alone, that’s her problem and if there are other people on the dance floor then she can dance with them.

You have to fight fire with fire sometimes so if she ever brings it up again I say reverse the emphasis (or gaslight if you like 😉) and say “oh my god, you think I was the embarrassing one - don’t you realise people were actually embarrassed that you kept trying to get me up when I so obviously don’t want to!”

Your friend needs to learn to take No for an answer and respect your wishes.

Did you drink quite a lot? This sounds like hangover anxiety.

Move on

No I was completely sober! I think that contributed to feeling embarrassed and not wanting to dance.

Ooh that’s a great idea! I’ll definitely save that response for in case it gets brought up 🙂

I don’t know why I bothered trying to stay anonymous by saying function when 2 words later I just said wedding 😂

I hate it when people try and pull me up when I don’t want to dance. It’s just not nice. Well done for standing up for yourself! I’m sure she will get over it.

I never dance and this has happened to me numerous times, I hate it. I agree with PP's that it's the people trying to force us who are the arseholes in this scenario, it's a hideous position to put someone like me in because dancing is my idea of hell. Please don't beat yourself up about it OP, you can't help how you feel and your friend should have stopped the first time you said no.

Are you generally quite introverted? Don't feel embarrassed that you didn't want to dance - it's so normal! Can you bring it up with your friend and explain you panicked and felt self-conscious, and (politely) tell her she's a wanker?

I loved the way you explained how the wedding can turn into a party at the end and most people dance.

😂

Yeah, that’s how majority of weddings go

nobody likes that dancing that's the equivelent of small talk- awkwardly shuffling and pretending to love it meanwhile dying inside

I love your (very accurate!) description. It's exactly how I feel about that kind of forced dancing.

She was in the wrong, 100%

Im not a dancer and have numerous people over the years call me things ranging from ‘spoilsport’ to ‘miserable’ because they can’t drag me to the dance floor. I’m usually having a great time, why spoil it by dancing 😂

You aren’t unreasonable. Being forced to dance is awful.

You’re a bit unreasonable for this below though, we know what happens at weddings 😆.

I was at a function (a close friends wedding) at the weekend. Its very typical for these types of events to end up in a party towards the end of the night- there was a band playing live music and usually everyone gets up and dances for a bit, or at least for one song. I suppose its just the done thing, unless you're absolutely not up for dancing which is obviously fine too. Most people probably dance for at least a song or two.

I really hate this sort of thing. It is bullying and performative. I’m a shy and awkward dancer too but my nightmare is Karaoke. Happy to hear others do it, not knocking it but have a true dread of singing solo in public which started at a “singing test” at school when I was 8 when I opened my mouth and nothing would come out and the nun playing the piano thought I was doing it on purpose and got very angry.I just freeze.

I dread it at parties because people are so pushy and I can’t do it, I feel a freak, and I feel real fear. I once spent an hour walking around a freezing village to avoid a good (male) friend whose party it was dragging me up as he was so persistent. Naturally my other nightmare is when singers or bands do that thing of randomly shoving the mic at you to sing a line of a well known song 🫣

You are made to feel such a fun sponge, it’s awful.

Honestly I'm going to go against the thread and say neither of you looked great. Yes she should have taken no for an answer but in a situation where she wanted to dance and two out of the three people she was there with physically weren't able to, you could have thrown her a bone, been a friend and put up with shuffling about a bit awkwardly for one or two songs.

I had similar recently at a wedding where I was the driver (not drinking anyway) and really suffering with pregnancy sickness, although nobody knew I was pregnant.

Various friends wanting me to dance and telling me how “boring” I was being by refusing, despite telling them I felt unwell. It was all I could do to make it to the end of the night with gentle sips of water.

Your friend should have accepted your NO and stopped pushing you. I don’t think you were in the wrong.

Hahahha this was my first thought too!

obviously yanbu op but sometimes pushing past the anxiety is how we get through it! (Saying this as a recovering agoraphobic)

Yeah I think your friend was the one in the wrong, you don't need to do anything that you don't want to and you also don't owe anyone an explanation. I imagine your friend had a few drinks on board and wasn't reading the situation and didn't realise she crossed a line and was disrespectful until it was too late. You were right to hold your own boundaries and say no. You did mention its not like you to feel that way though- was there anything about the day that maybe contributed to you feeling anxious about it? I know I always feel a bit anxious if noone else is up dancing at least initially and especially if sober.

You capture the fear so well!
I once declined an invitation to a very swanky birthday as I knew there'd be dancing. You can be made to feel such a party pooper if you don't join in.

YANBU. I generally like dancing but I really have to be in the mood for it, especially round people I don't really know.

Everyone feels self conscious at these things and nobody likes that dancing that's the equivelent of small talk- awkwardly shuffling and pretending to love it meanwhile dying inside

Clearly not everyone feels like this.

Was yout friend pissed by any chance?

I went to a wedding sober once (was pregnant) and it was hell on earth. I vividly remember people chasing me trying to touch my bump.

I DO NOT dance. Not sober, not tipsy, not absolutely falling down drunk would I get on a dancefloor and I would have been furious with someone trying to force me to dance. It is not about not being fun - im loads of fun - I just do not dance. I feel your pain OP but your friend was in the wrong 100%