Friends won't travel to my side of town

[Bobbie1976]

Hi there

I live out in the burbs and two of my closest friends live beside each other in town. I'm alone - they live with a SO. I feel as though everytime anything is organised it must always be at my male friends house. I have invited them a few times to mine but there's always an excuse like 'oh come to mine sure I have the chiminea out the back'. Because they are in close proximity to each others houses, they can meet up at no cost. For me it is £20 each way or more in a taxi. They have never done this for me. My male friend can be EXTREMELY defensive and unwilling to accept any 'blame' or even have an adult discussion. When I have brought it up with him in the past all he says is 'I have been to your house!' - he's been twice since I moved in a year ago.

I don't have anyone to share the expense with. I live in a nice house, it's clean, I'm willing to provide refreshments/dinner etc but they NEVER want to shell out to come to my side of town. It's leading to bitterness for me and there is a chance that I'm just going to say no to our latest proposed meeting (again I suggested meeting IN the town centre so I could at least take a train and that was vetoed), but I just cannot afford this kind of expense. They both have partners, and better paid jobs too. It's a really lonely time of year for me as my Mum died at Christmas a couple of years ago but I am getting really sick of the lack of understanding, even when I have expressed 'I cannot afford this'. I have a son to provide for too. I don't want to be sitting either holding a coke while they are getting happily drunk because they were able to stay in the comfort of their own homes.

Could use some advice!

Isn’t there cost involved in hosting too? So it would at least even out, I’d have thought?

Maybe they feel like they can’t afford it either? I understand it’s disappointing for you, but if it’s a situation where you moved away, the onus is mostly on you to do the travelling.

They aren't providing anything. It's bring your own everything.

I didn't move away - I've always lived on this side of town, just in a different house. It's up to 50 quid for me in a taxi - they are spending about 3 quid on a bottle of wine.

Oh and it's more the fact when I ask them to come over - they find a way to say no :(

Find some other friends. Why do you consider these two as your closest friends? They can't be bothered unless you do all the running.
Start a new hobby or go to the gym, at least you'd gain something from spending £20 - new skills or improved fitness.

Thanks :( That's what I'm afraid of. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. These two have partners and combined earn about 3-4 times more than me. They can walk to each others houses. Each and every time I ask them to come to me, they won't because they have to have alcohol. So I either pay for taxis or I drive. They do neither. It's more than the money, it's a case of feeling valued and wanting to welcome guests into my home too which is new. Everything is on their terms and I think I'm maybe just starting to realise it. Thank you.

if it’s a situation where you moved away, the onus is mostly on you to do the travelling

That makes it sound as if where the others live is the centre of the universe. It isn't. I think they should all make an equal effort.

Thank you, I admit I was taken aback by that and it made me feel even more responsible. We only live about 12 miles apart but the taxi fares are ridiculous and public transport stops at 11pm. To get a train, I'd have to get train, then bus, then taxi. My main point is they will not do this for me and always find an excuse. I guess I'm just talking out loud as I'm tired doing all the running but I'm afraid if I don't, I'll never see them again.

I understand how sad this is. I’m in a group of 3, one I’ve known since we were 1! The other since I was 11. Growing up I was always having sleepovers with them separately, as they weren’t really that close together. But when we all turned 20, one was already living in town, the other moved into town with her partner, I still lived over 20mins away and I always worked full-time, the others did not. So they got very close as they were going out every single weekend, I would join when I could.

To summon the next 10 years, they would only really meet together to go out drinking, where I would meet for lunch, go round to their house etc. because I couldn’t go out much (cost £20 each way in a taxi or I was working). But somehow they were still closer, even though I spent more time with them individually! One friend was a bridesmaid at the others Wedding, I was not, even though we’ve been friends since we were 1 and would have weekly sleepovers growing up! Even though I would visit her 2-3 times a week. Driven her places as she didn’t have a car.

In the last 6 years I’ve been able to join on more nights out (except for when I’ve been pregnant!) and would go out each time they went, so they rarely went without me, they still seem to be closer. One friends calls the other “aunty” to her daughter, but not the same to me, even though we have daughters that are the same age and I went there again 2-3 times a week!

Honestly sometimes it gets me really down and I do feel like not bothering anymore. I do have other friends, close friends too, maybe that’s the reason because I will go on days out / nights out / trips with these other friends, but I have been prioritising my oldest friends, but maybe not anymore!

Thank you so much for sharing that. You sound v similar to me.

I guess I'm just so tired of the lack of effort but at the same time I'm not a trouble maker and don't want to make a fuss - in particular because my male friend (he's gay) never ever sees it from my POV. And because I've lost my Mum so recently and lost my Dad a long time ago, I really NEED good friends. I do care for them both but am so tired giving out more than I get in return. Bit like you. But just once I'd like to not have to worry about coming home from a 12 hour shift, getting ready just to please them incase they turn their back on me. I'd like for once to be the hostess but when I've tried to bring this up, the male in particular will say 'aw sure come here!' - even quite recently vetoing the plans I'd made for THEM to come HERE! And like you say about people being close, the female friend sides with him. So I feel very very compromised and a bit like someone with no voice because God forbid you say anything like 'how come you guys never want to come here?' or 'Sorry we had plans for it to be at my house?' - shut down completely.

I know one of the main reasons is because the male friend is NEVER at home and is constantly making plans so you really only get the window of his time that he can afford. Unfortunately I'm at a place in my life where I do need more from a friendship than him telling me what is what because of his oh so busy social life. I did think they would offer me a bit more having been so recently bereaved. But if I take a stand, then what?

You need better friends, they seem inflexible. Them not caring about the cost is really shit.

Thank you. I don't really know any different and am a bit lost. Ok very lost. I think I might just have to say no but I know it will be held against me.

Let them hold it against you, it doesn't matter. They aren't going to change and you deserve better.

I've been in a friend's group before where they all had more money than me, and I had to say no several times because I just couldn't afford to travel there and go to the pricy restaurants they went to. It made me feel so inadequate.

You definitely deserve better. Friendships are two-sided and there should be effort made on all sides. Maybe form closer friendships at work and phase out the other friends, you never know you might be surprised and meet someone who is more than willing to make the effort for you and really value the friendship.

Best of luck, I do hope you find new friends that deserve you.

Shit friends is worse than no friends. You have lost both parents, imo male friend is verging on emotionally abusive behaving like this towards you. He is no friend and should be ashamed of himself.

I think it's obvious you need to find new friends so you're not always reliant on these two. Widen your circle so you have more choices. No-one is forcing you to stick with same two people and constantly accept their invitations to socialise in their houses or for you to persist extending invitations for them to join you in yours, specially if you know they don't want to be there.
You say you have a DC, so have you not made any 'mum' friends closer to home or in work?
You seem very bitter towards the male 'friend' and I'm afraid it comes across as quite jealous that he has a busy social life. And I'm not really sure what the relevance of him being gay is? Is this supposed to somehow influence our opinions on whether he is a good friend or not?

Sorry I thought that was wrong to say that, I only mentioned his sexuality so that it was clear there are no romantic feelings. My bad. It doesn't influence anything.

I am perhaps a bit bitter but only because my Mum and I have done a lot for him. When she was alive she paid for both of us to go on a holiday, I have stepped up and helped him many many times with various things, and he made out that he was best friend who was always there for me. I believed him. But the opposite has proven to be true. When Mum died, I didn't hear from him after her funeral for 3 weeks, not even a text. So I am annoyed that he is always out flying his kite and any time I need a friend, he's not around. He is immensely critical of me, anything from saying I'm too sensitive to never admitting when he is in the wrong when I ask him things like 'why didn't I hear from you over Christmas?'

That's all I was trying to convey in my message :(😪

So you’ll provide drinks and food for 2 friends (plus their partners?) but 20 quid for a taxi is out of reach? What you he feeding them if they came to yours? Would they be sharing a slice of toast?

I'm going to suggest that your male friends have been told by their wives/girlfriends/significant others that they are not allowed to go to the house of a single female.

If you read my message you'd see - they don't provide food or drink. It's bring your own. There is one of me. There are 4 of them. And it's 40 quid for a taxi. Again, if you'd read the message.....

Unfortunately some city people seem oblivious to the world beyond. I would suggest making friends near to you. But why not use public transport at least one way, or if you drive just don't drink

I had similar with a friend. They live in a city, I’m an hour train journey out of it. Over the course of about 7 years I went to their city 2-3x per year to spend time with them. They came to me exactly 0 times. I stopped asking them to visit around the 6th year. And once I realised that the friendship only worked on their terms, I stopped bothering. I didn’t “ghost” them, I just don’t initiate anything. At this point we’re surface friends on social media. It is what it is.

Thanks but they are gay and have partners.

For good reasons you have not named the place you live in. I wonder if something about your area of town puts them off, even if completely unjustified.

My "best mate" known her since we were 4 is an hour away by car. 20 min by train but with a taxi each end, would cost around £40, maybe more.
She has never been to mine.
I have a spare, comfortable double room with ensuite that she could use, then drive home next day.
No chance.
I have to go to her.

Or, I should say, I had to...
I've not seen her for nearly a year as I leave an open "you can come to me" invite but I absolutely refuse (after living here for 15+yrs) to go to hers and sleep on the floor or the sofa with her sisters dog again.

Your male friend seems incredibly self-centred. I'm not sure I could be arsed being a pen pal with someone that selfish, let alone wasting ££ always doing what I was told "You come here, I'm not coming to you."