Friends won't travel to my side of town

[Bobbie1976]

Hi there

I live out in the burbs and two of my closest friends live beside each other in town. I'm alone - they live with a SO. I feel as though everytime anything is organised it must always be at my male friends house. I have invited them a few times to mine but there's always an excuse like 'oh come to mine sure I have the chiminea out the back'. Because they are in close proximity to each others houses, they can meet up at no cost. For me it is £20 each way or more in a taxi. They have never done this for me. My male friend can be EXTREMELY defensive and unwilling to accept any 'blame' or even have an adult discussion. When I have brought it up with him in the past all he says is 'I have been to your house!' - he's been twice since I moved in a year ago.

I don't have anyone to share the expense with. I live in a nice house, it's clean, I'm willing to provide refreshments/dinner etc but they NEVER want to shell out to come to my side of town. It's leading to bitterness for me and there is a chance that I'm just going to say no to our latest proposed meeting (again I suggested meeting IN the town centre so I could at least take a train and that was vetoed), but I just cannot afford this kind of expense. They both have partners, and better paid jobs too. It's a really lonely time of year for me as my Mum died at Christmas a couple of years ago but I am getting really sick of the lack of understanding, even when I have expressed 'I cannot afford this'. I have a son to provide for too. I don't want to be sitting either holding a coke while they are getting happily drunk because they were able to stay in the comfort of their own homes.

Could use some advice!

Hell, I'd not be going anywhere were the host served wine that cost £3 a bottle! Find other friends.

I'm just so tired now guys. I've made about 20 trips to see my female friend since the bbirth her daughter in 2017 and she was last in my home 3 years ago when my Mum
died. I spoil her daughter and because she always has an excuse, her birthday present is still sitting here since September. Sorry for ’moaning’ but I don't see whats unreasonable about me doing ALL the traveling. my house is clean, I am a good person and try really hard. Anyway maybe I should give up. I don't think I'd be missed.

Plus last year he gave me a present and when I opened it it was for someone else. He'd left the label on.

What steps are you going to take to mert some new friends and/or expand your social life?
Why not use this thread to brainstorm ideas and then decide on one action to take this week eg join a club or gym?
I would personally focus more on hobbies/clubs and see if it led to friendships or not. It may well not, but at least it gives you social time in the company of others who are like minded, and that in itself is soothing

It seems that these friendships have come to their natural ends. Stop torturing yourself, move on, find people who will appreciate your friendship. Use your energy on new things, not flogging the dead horse.

Thanks everyone. I just tend to turn everything in on myself and blame myself. It's my Mum's third year anniversary tomorrow and I've heard from no one for weeks. When I attempted to reach out to them and said I was very very down (some days can't get out of bed) the response from the male was 'I know how you feel'. He has both his parents and a partner?

Op its hard it cant be all 1 way. I worked with a girl they took turns her location then the other girls. But when I found I was doing all the driving round to houses I cut back. Its handy for them of course.

Thank you so much for this. I've stuck to my guns on this one. Sadly I haven't heard from any of them since. With Mum's anniversary tomorrow I could really use a friend. To be honest I feel like my life isn't worth anything and I am contemplating suicide. It would be easy with the access to tablets that I have. I'm not trying to scare anyone, but I could have done it by now and none of them would even realise. It would be so easy.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

Thank you I hope I haven't upset or annoyed anyone.

You really do have shit friends. Don't turn it inwards, it's not you it's them. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Treat yourself with the compassion you deserve tonight - nice snuggly blanket, light some candles, listen to your favourite tunes or read a good book or watch a nice funny film ...anything to distract your mind. and when you're ready ditch these fuckers. they're not worth any more of your energy. Take care

They are not your friends.

They are so used to being selfish and you accommodating them they don’t see what they are doing. It’s just easier for 4 people to have a night at theirs than to travel, so they do . Yes they’re selfish and yes you need more friends and there are new friends to be made. You are still young snd life can change… hobbies nearby, local pubs . I’m so sorry about your mum, it’s really hard and you must miss her, what would she tell you to do?