to try to get this man stopped?

[Reputationintatters]

Name changed for this.

Sorry, this will be long, but I don’t want to drip-feed. I have an issue with an ex-colleague from years ago going around slagging me off, and I want to know if I should just leave it, or WIBU to try to make him stop.

I’ve always worked in the same industry in similar roles.

I’m now 3.5 years into my current role, and it’s going well.

The problem I’m having is with a guy from my previous company who has been regaling my current colleague(s) with colourful assassinations of my character.

The company where I worked with him was a start-up. I ran a specific department and I assumed that I had been brought in for my previous experience – there’s a general ‘model’ for how this sort of company is run and I am very familiar with it

Part of the role is being responsible for quality control. Everything that came out of my department had to reach a certain standard and if it didn’t I would be the one to blame. This meant that I needed to put certain processes in place and sometimes those processes needed to be followed by other people in the company whose input my dept depended on.

This is all fairly standard industry-wide stuff. If you think of it like a restaurant, I was a chef and relied on others to order the ingredients and communicate with the clientele or I couldn’t do my job and we’d all get bad reviews.

There was one person in particular who had never worked in a ’restaurant’ before. He was junior (first job) but very popular in the company and has since climbed the ranks. He loved to do things his own way, including coming into the ‘kitchen’ when I wasn’t around and getting the staff to cook stuff along the lines of his own vision. His ‘cooking’ wasn’t great – he’d had no training for it and it wasn’t part of his role – and it reflected badly on me as it came out of my department and ultimately would damage the ‘restaurant’s’ rep. I repeatedly tried to stop it. However this went down like a sack of the proverbial and I eventually got fired.

He had a lot of people on his side. They were almost all recruited as grads and none of them had any previous ‘restaurant’ experience. From their POV I must have just seemed grumpy / like a killjoy or worse. They wouldn’t have realised that in any other restaurant I’d be expected to do this stuff as it was my literal job – they had no outside experience and no way of knowing. Looking back I realise there would have been a general air of ‘who the hell does she think she is’. No doubt this festered for a few years (I was there for three) as I carried on in not very blissful ignorance.

Anyway. I was long-term freelance there so my sacking didn’t amount to much more than a “Don’t come in tomorrow, thanks.” No conversations or anything other than to say I was damaging to the culture. However, I do think that the owners of the company probably felt they ‘had’ to do it to avoid a mutiny, rather than objectively thinking I was a) wrong and b) an awful person. I get the impression they feel quite bad about what happened to me and did it for political reasons / a quiet life.

Now to my AIBU. Five years have gone by, so I was shocked to find out this this guy took one of my colleagues aside at a networking event last week (when he was drunk) and described in detail what a horrific human being he considers me to be. She is a new colleague too, which makes it even worse. She was brave to tell me about it and I feel sick thinking about how many others he may have said it all to before. Several of my colleagues were at the event, including my direct boss and the owner of the company. Losing my job and realising I was seen as a 'bad apple' was traumatic at the time and I’ve tried to put it behind me. But I feel like if he’s doing this five years on, it’s not over. Where will it end? It’s a small industry. I can’t run the risk of just ignoring it. He can just keep doing this to me, job after job.

WWYD? Email him? Contact his employers? Hardly a great ambassador for them after all now that he’s in a more senior role, so I’m wondering if they might help. Not that they did last time, but they might feel bad I suppose.

I'd leave it. If you're doing a good job where you're employed now they won't give a stuff what he said about your past employment.

I’m in two minds, clearly he will have a story to tell and as much as you feel they didn’t mean to fire you and they regret and feel bad about it, they did fire you and it was over your treatment of him.

if I was you I’d let it go as I think you will go down the same path again if you dont.

To be blunt I think it sounds like you weren't very good at flexing to what your old employer wanted, which seems to have been different to what previous jobs had wanted. Since they clearly sided with him and didn't mind him "cooking" - perhaps they thought he was innovating - and didn't mind that it wasn't all as good/the same way you'd have done it, it sounds like it was a communication issue between them and you. Fault on both sides and you've both moved on and hopefully your current work is happier and you've got employers who are clearer on what your job should include.

It's all in the past and it's highly unprofessional of him to dredge it up years on, I would never dream of doing this unless as what I would consider a valid warning about someone who is unsafe to work with (violent for example). That's obviously not the case here. Hopefully your colleague thought it reflected far worse on him than it does on you - and it sounds like that's the case since she told you. In your position I would probably do nothing.

Do nothing. Those who matter can make their own judgement of you (and him).

He'll be the loser, and all his own fault.

I don't think I'd attempt to stop him- that would backfire.

I would recruit my own support- speak to people I know and respect and explain he is actively undermining your reputation. Ask them to be sure to come directly to you if they have concerns about your performance- as you are sure they would.

I'd be hoping they'd shut down similar conversations that could erupt in their presence, 'We've always valued her attention to detail and found her highly professional.', type stuff.

I personally would let your work and current team relations speak for themselves. I remember getting a new team member and being told awful things about them before they even started to the point I was really nervous about working with them. Then when they arrived they fitted in great, got on with everyone like a house on fire and did a fantastic job. It was really clear that their previous workplace just wasn't the right fit for them and they'd burnt out there. None of that coloured my opinion of them in the long run and I took them as I found them. If your current colleagues are reasonable people they'll form their own opinions based on what you show them and take the rest with a pinch of salt .

I really feel for you OP. I've been in a vaguely similar situation but had a better outcome (he was much more obviously "in the wrong" than me and ended up being let go) but he loves to badmouth me at every opportunity. Luckily, I've moved to a much larger organisation in the same industry now (several years after his sacking and not related to the situation) and it's geographically quite distant from where I worked with him so he doesn't have much sway here. But I understand your hurt and frustration all too well. It's a horrible position to be in. I think legitimately, the only action you can take is a solicitor's letter warning him off. You may have a case for slander.

If he's expressing his genuine opinion of you and of what happened there's nothing you can do other than show your colleagues that the version of you he describes isn't the version of you that they experience now.

People are entitled to have an opinion and are entitled to share it. You could get a solicitor to write him a letter telling him to shut up but that would only possibly work if he's outright lying about you. If he's just expressing an opinion, that's his right.

As an example, I couldn't say "X was responsible for the business losing £2million because she couldn't use Excel" if I couldn't prove a) X was responsible, b) the loss was £2million, and c) the reason was she was incapable of using Excel. But I could say "In my view X didn't seem to understand how to use Excel effectively for the task she was employed to do."

If what he said was truthful, even from his POV and also his opinion of you, then ... Not much you can do. If he was lying, that would be very different.

Just ignore and let your current work speak for itself.

Thanks everyone.

@Dotjones it is his opinion of me. None of it is 'facts' but all painting me as a horrendous human being - name calling etc.

@Cait33 thank you, it helps to hear someone's been through similar.

@RedHelenB It's not so much my current employer I worry about, but possible future ones. He's an active networker and reputation matters. It could very easily damage me. Mud sticks and I have no idea how much of it he's flung around and to whom - but I strongly suspect that this is the first time someone has had the guts to tell me about it, rather than the first time it's happened considering how much time has gone by.

Put it this way. If a CV landed on my desk and I knew someone who had worked with that person, I would put it straight in the bin if the contact said half of what he said about me.

If I'm honest with myself it's probably as much as anything a feeling of needing to 'do something about it'. I'm horrified by what he said. My colleague was very honest and it was long, drawn out and vitriolic with a lot of nasty name calling.

Whichever way you look at it, it's completely disproportionate. I'm not only pretty shocked and very hurt, but also paranoid about who's been 'got to' and whether I'm now untouchable out there.

But I get that it's not slander and there's probably nothing I can do.

It’s difficult because whatever happened will have impacted him also. Mentally impacted him. It sounds like a difficult environment and rhe fact they fired you over it and not him does say something, it might be he is a nasty person or it might be this is his true opinion from what he experienced. It sounds like you’ve grown up and moved on, but a difficult,working environment , particularly one where someone felt they were bullied has a long lasting impact. Just ignore it and let it go. Your current work and relationships speaks for themselves

@Coffeetableposhbooks you sound as though you think I was a bully then and have now 'grown up' and changed.

I was already a grown up, I'd been working for 20 years without anything remotely like this happening. There was no bullying. This was simply a situation I had never experienced before. He felt he should be able to do anything he wanted no matter what impact it had on my department, and I think he was literally enraged that I dared to draw some standard boundaries.

He got me sacked for it. Also, just to be clear, I wasn't fired for what actually happened, which was nothing, but for his intense dislike of me. He was a permanent member of staff, I was on a contract. There was no conversation and no chance for me to put across my side of things.

I just can't imagine how he finds the energy to hate me enough, five years later, to be trying to undermine me in my new job on top of forcing me out of my old one.

The disproportionality is mind blowing. And it's horrendous to be on the receiving end.

Is there any way you could put something subtle on your Linkedin page plus fabulous endoresements of your skills by well known people in your industry?

This might help with any future jobs as, I'm assuming, any potential employer will look carefully at your Linkedin page.

In other words, refute it in public and give "referees" for a potential employer to contact.

You could even take some legal advice on the wording?

@Mosaic123 that's not a bad idea, thank you. It's such a small industry that word of mouth can trump Linkedin but it's at least something I can control.

@Reputationintatters you have my sympathies - that man-child sounds horrendous and is still clearly jealous of you and your skill set, if he’s adamantly trying to destroy your reputation. Hold your head high and keep doing your best - that is the best revenge x

I think you should stop saying you were fired. Your contract ending or being terminated is not the same thing as being fired. I know it is the same emotionally, but this happens all the time and it’s not the same professionally.

Next, realize that a drunk man calling another person, especially a woman names at professional event will reflect on him much more than you.

You said you wouldn’t even talk to someone if you heard things like this about them? Please change your stance on that. It’s not fair. Plenty of people don’t just believe all gossip we hear about others.

I think doing nothing is your best option. He sounds pretty unhinged to be talking about this so many years later.

Thank you @Jaybird43 and @unname, your messages are helpful.

To be fair, as well, the fact that my newish colleague didn't just accept his word, but decided to come and tell me about it, does prove that at least he didn't manage to convince her. Hopefully all the name calling and nasty language will give what he's saying an obvious tinge of sour grapes.

Yeah, I would honestly think the guy had a screw loose. She doesn’t even know him and he’s trash talking someone else. Not a great first impression!

I’ve had a similar situation. A younger male colleague that I managed seemed to think that he could do whatever he wanted and come and go as he pleased and didn’t take kindly to being asked to do what the job required. Fortunately my management saw right through him and were 100% behind me so he ended up leaving the business. He has since badmouthed me with outright lies to mutual colleagues (another small industry where everyone knows everyone).

I can’t pretend it’s not hurtful but I refuse to let it change my behaviour. I have never retaliated or even responded except to say that I’m very sorry he feels that way as I won’t stoop to his level. I behave in a professional manner, I do my job and do it well so I trust that people who know me won’t believe his nonsense. Anyone who does isn’t my problem so I force myself not to think about it.

Do nothing. Anything you did do would likely make it worse and only give him more ammo ("She's a terrible human blah blah blah and I think she has a screw loose. Five years after they finally got rid of her she was still writing complaints to my boss!")

Some people will believe him. Most will be wise enough to know there are two sides to every story.

I'd email him, he perhaps doesn't realise that what he is saying is getting back to you. Gossiping like a little old fish wife, he's embarrassing himself and giving himself a name.

Don't do that! Clearly there is a tonne of bad blood here, you can at least be the grown up by not reengaging with him directly.

Just ignore the whole thing and rethink your thinking on colleague’s you’ve heard stuff about.

I suspect although your contact was ended he got utterly hauled over the coals and disciplined over something that you picked up on.

I’d imagine there are probably three sides to this. His version, your version, and the truth which probably sits somewhere in the middle.

None of us know what actually happened, but if this man really was badly affected by what happened, then perhaps. He felt the need to say something. Personally I wouldn’t, and if I knew someone’ like that I would advise them against it, but he obviously feels differently.

Reality is that when you have a bad experience with someone it is often impossible to shake off the way they feel about you or the way it is going to show you up in future.

Obviously you and the employer were incompatible or they wouldn’t have let you go instead of him.

And let’s be honest, the reason why you are worried that people will believe what they hear is because you yourself take gossip seriously. You need to rethink that.