Mil and visiting the in laws

[Jellyjunction]

My MIL can be difficult (she's often insensitive and especially BIL gets offended).

She's had a recent admission to hospital and has chronic health problems. She lives 2 hours from BIL and 1.5hrs from us (same direction) and she's widowed.

Our family (me, DH and kids) have hosted MIL for as long as I can remember (10 years plus) as my BIL was in a rented house with no room for MIL to stay. This included Christmas Dinner cooking/ hosting for our in laws each year. Now BIL and his family have moved to a large house with a spare bedroom and I was hoping we could share hosting MIL plus have time to go and see my family plus even have time our own family just us and the kids.

My BIL /SIL have offered to pick up MIL on 24th, host Christmas Dinner on 25th with us attending in their new house, then suggested we have MIL from 26th onwards. I know SIL is working on 26th otherwise I think they have the bank holidays off, I'm not sure about extra holiday days.

Aibu to want them to have mil until 27th (at least!) so we can have boxing day to ourselves?.

My husband is so non confrontational he always caves to BIL and is the one to drive mil to and from as well as host and cook.I'm trying to get him to be more assertive!

If your husband won't assert himself, then you need to. You can have the MIL on the 27th. Not earlier.

How do you think it's best to phrase it on a message to BIL /SIL? My DH's draft message has about 3 different justifications as to why 27th is better for us than 26th. At first I thought the message was OK but now I'm thinking maybe it's better to avoid justifying ourselves. A message saying 27th is better for us just seems very short and rude though

I would say thanks but we are having Christmas on our own this year, please feel free to bring MIL to us to stay on the 27th

break that ‘tradition’

That sounds better than DH's draft. But the thing is we're not sure yet what we'll do on 26th, we might be by ourselves or we might go over to my parents and extended family. It's not yet decided so harder to explain on a message.

Why do you owe them a definitive explanation?

Simply say you have plans for the 26th.

Mumsnet aka assertiveness training bootcamp

I need to woman up don't I? If my hubby doesn't get it sorted.

You don't need to explain/justify anything- a message saying bring her to stay on the 27th is fine! It's bog all to do with anyone else- stay in bed all day if you want!

' Hi BIL/SIL, thanks for offering to drop MIL over to us, we have plans on the 26th so that won't work, but the 27th onwards would be absolutely fine'

And feel free to point out you've spent the last decade supporting what everyone else wanted to do and now you feel entirely comfortable even if you don't but fake it till you make it with prioritising your wishes for the holiday period.

Honestly, you might as well go all in here unless you want to spend the next 10 years pandering to BIL.

Upshot is he's in debt on this front and needs to start paying back with interest.

Just say you won’t be home on the 26th because you are seeing your family. Doesn’t matter if you are or not, they’re hardly likely to phone your parents to check up on you.

It's easy.

You just need to stop giving a fuck about people who clearly don't give a fuck about you.

I think I messed up because earlier in the messaging I'd said perhaps we could have her for a few days and they could also do the same this year, I didn't mention any other commitments.

If they'd agree to 27th then we'd still have her from 27th to 30th but I just don't really want to see in laws and mil every day from 25th onwards this year.

BIL doesn't really forgive and forget and he takes offence easily so it's hard to get it right. But I know this year will set a precedent!

@BreadInCaptivity 😂

Just say 'looking forward to it, we're free any time from the 27th onward.'

You could always also add 'it's so lovely you'll get to spend time together this Christmas, I bet you're really looking forward to it. Hope you all have a lovely time and we're free from the 27th onward.'

Can't help but feel a little sorry for your MIL. Widowed with a chronic health condition and been spoken about like she's a roll of unwanted carpet. Who gets her for the least days over Christmas and New Year appears to be the winner.

Let him get offended! That's his problem not yours

My BIL /SIL have offered to pick up MIL on 24th, host Christmas Dinner on 25th with us attending in their new house, then suggested we have MIL from 26th onwards.

Wait..... if she is only 2 hours away at most, why can't she be dropped back home the same day? Or just have her overnight, at the most? Why does MIL need be 'have'd from the 24th onwards? Why not just see her on Christmas day at BILs? Why do you need to have her visit at all?

I'd said perhaps we could have her for a few days

OP, why do you even need to have her for a few days? I don't get it!

For some reason (as a non-UKer) it seems anytime anyone in the UK has a drive longer than half an hour, the person needs to stay for several days at least. I don't understand this. Could someone please explain it to me?

Just see her at BIL's house. No need to see her again. BIL could drop her back home the next day. I really don't understand why you need to have a separate visit, let alone one that lasts for a few days.

Sadly 20 years later and we’ve had maybe one Christmas alone as a family, with my siblings who always have something else, someone else, somewhere else to be at Christmas, so Mum comes to us

@Kitkatcatflap ah there's always one

'I think I messed up because earlier in the messaging I'd said perhaps we could have her for a few days and they could also do the same this year, I didn't mention any other commitments.'

@Jellyjunction you really didn't mess up. You're allowed not to detail your full plans and thought processes to everyone. You can change your mind or make plans!

I'm with everyone else - you don't need to give any justification for not hosting her earlier, and if BIL gets offended you're well within your rights to be hurt and ask why the problem if you've looked after everything yourself for 10 years already. His relationship with (presumably?) his mother is not yours to manage.

Just say
‘we have plans for the 26th so can’t do that date, we’re happy to have her from the 27th though’

you don’t need to explain yourself.

Stop over explaining and stop worrying about upsetting your bil.
stop putting everyone else’s needs above your own, it’s your Christmas too.

Why don’t you reply saying you might need it to be 27th, you need to finalise the plans for seeing your family so will get on to them to do this so that you don’t leave BIL waiting. Then do it, make whatever plans you want to!

“We’re not available until the 27th.”

Quit letting BIL’s tantrums run the show. He can get offended all he likes, but that’s HIS problem to deal with. Stop letting him make it yours.