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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and visiting the in laws

51 replies

Jellyjunction · 22/11/2022 00:34

My MIL can be difficult (she's often insensitive and especially BIL gets offended).

She's had a recent admission to hospital and has chronic health problems. She lives 2 hours from BIL and 1.5hrs from us (same direction) and she's widowed.

Our family (me, DH and kids) have hosted MIL for as long as I can remember (10 years plus) as my BIL was in a rented house with no room for MIL to stay. This included Christmas Dinner cooking/ hosting for our in laws each year. Now BIL and his family have moved to a large house with a spare bedroom and I was hoping we could share hosting MIL plus have time to go and see my family plus even have time our own family just us and the kids.

My BIL /SIL have offered to pick up MIL on 24th, host Christmas Dinner on 25th with us attending in their new house, then suggested we have MIL from 26th onwards. I know SIL is working on 26th otherwise I think they have the bank holidays off, I'm not sure about extra holiday days.

Aibu to want them to have mil until 27th (at least!) so we can have boxing day to ourselves?.

My husband is so non confrontational he always caves to BIL and is the one to drive mil to and from as well as host and cook.I'm trying to get him to be more assertive!

OP posts:
Byelaws · 22/11/2022 08:02

If you want to give a reason (you don’t need to but if you want to), DH can say you are keeping 26th free for your family so let’s make it 27th.

toomuchlaundry · 22/11/2022 08:07

Could you drop her home on the way back to yours and then see her again later in the Christmas period. Do you never see your family on Christmas Day?

Ponesta · 22/11/2022 08:15

As I get a bit older I feel closer to the MIL in this scenario. It must be awful to not be wanted by your family. Why do so many people see having elderly relatives to visit as a chore. People who may be alone most of the year. Awful.

toomuchlaundry · 22/11/2022 08:21

@Ponesta are you difficult and insensitive though?

We have a relative who used to think everyone had sense of humour failures as no-one laughed at her jokes or quite often got upset with her. Took a bit of time but she finally realised she was just being rude! Much easier being in her company now she has learnt to think before she speaks

Ponesta · 22/11/2022 08:29

@toomuchlaundry Fair point. I'm probably being over sensitive as I don't really have much family left. Ignore my comment everyone!

RFPO77 · 22/11/2022 08:34

Do you really really care if BIL is offended? I mean does it affect your life? Let DH deal with him. Just let him live his life being offended and you can live yours not giving a fuck 💐

BankseyVest · 22/11/2022 09:10

So what if BIL gets offended, let him.

Hi BIL, we've plans up until the X date, you can drop her off any time after that. If he says it's not possible and you have to have her on x date just tell him no, then remind him you've hosted for the last x years and leave him to his sulking

strawberry2017 · 22/11/2022 13:54

Can you just say you are visiting your family ?

IamnotSethRogan · 22/11/2022 13:59

I think keeping it breezey is best

"Hi BIL if you could drop MIL the 27/28 that would be great as there's a good chance we'll be away. Thanks so much looking forward to seeing you all!"

MinnieGirl · 22/11/2022 16:29

Why don’t you have Mil to stay over New Year? Then you get to spend the day at Bil’s with Mil but also get to have the following days with your own family. Bil can do his bit and you can have Mil for new year.

StarlingC · 22/11/2022 16:39

How old is MIL?

Brigante9 · 22/11/2022 16:56

Just say you’re not available on the 26th due to YOUR family commitments, so anytime on the 27th. Easy.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/11/2022 17:01

So MIL will be taken to theirs on the 24th, you will drive up on the morning of the 25th and then drive back when?

LakieLady · 22/11/2022 17:08

Jellyjunction · 22/11/2022 00:46

That sounds better than DH's draft. But the thing is we're not sure yet what we'll do on 26th, we might be by ourselves or we might go over to my parents and extended family. It's not yet decided so harder to explain on a message.

"We've provisionally arranged to go to my parents on 26th. We should be here on 27th though, if that's any good?"

Snazzysausage · 22/11/2022 17:58

Why can't you just say you have plans to get together with your side of the family on Boxing Day. In fact I'd say you've plans for 27th too. You're entitled to one year of doing your own thing after hosting for years.

Puddywoodycat · 22/11/2022 18:07

Op Xmas plans.are fluid and change.

Everyone has jumped on us now we are free this year but I think we may just enjoy time alone actually.

Enjoy hosting for a change,

Puddywoodycat · 22/11/2022 18:08

I don't know why you are allowing yourself to be pinned down for 27th either. I'd bust any expectations wide open

CoffeeBeansGalore · 22/11/2022 18:22

Don't go to BiL's and have a nice Christmas day to yourselves. He can then drop Mil to you 27/28th. Gives you a few days to chill out & see anyone you want.

girlywhirly · 22/11/2022 19:33

Do you actually want to go to BIL’s? I think you could just say to BIL, thanks for the invitation to Christmas at his, but after hosting for 10+ years you have decided to have a low key Christmas at home/parents/anywhere you like. Your family’s turn to see each other this year. Suggest a day to MIL after Christmas when she can come over to you if she wants to, and DH will pick her up.

Don’t let BIL dictate to you, and if he does have a hissy fit at least you won’t have to put up with it. And don’t feel you have to justify your choices, you’ve every right to have Christmas the way you want.

BornBlonde · 22/11/2022 19:49

girlywhirly · 22/11/2022 19:33

Do you actually want to go to BIL’s? I think you could just say to BIL, thanks for the invitation to Christmas at his, but after hosting for 10+ years you have decided to have a low key Christmas at home/parents/anywhere you like. Your family’s turn to see each other this year. Suggest a day to MIL after Christmas when she can come over to you if she wants to, and DH will pick her up.

Don’t let BIL dictate to you, and if he does have a hissy fit at least you won’t have to put up with it. And don’t feel you have to justify your choices, you’ve every right to have Christmas the way you want.

@girlywhirly has a great suggestion

Original poster
Jellyjunction · 22/11/2022 23:08

Hi all, thanks for the suggestions.
Lots of helpful comments!

It's been decided between my husband and his brother that we'll have mil from the morning of 27th so that my BIL /SIL can see SIL's family that day. (being slightly cynical I do remember in multiple previous years them saying they never saw SIL family over Christmas as she has such a big family and they all do their own thing - yet this year its so different).

To the posters with sympathy for my MIL. Yes I have sympathy for her too, I do like her and it wouldn't feel like Christmas to me without having her stay for a couple of days. I just feel frustrated that BIL is so guarded about his own time and family when it is his mum. She's 75 and pretty deaf but doesn't like wearing her hearing aids. She's got a painful hip and struggles to walk with a frame. She likes to tell long rambling stories about people I've nefer

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellyjunction · 22/11/2022 23:20

Oops..

Continued..
Never met, like people she knew through work 50 years ago. (she's not got dementia but just quite self centered). She's obsessed with her dog (who we host as well) and talks about her a lot. She sometimes tries to do craft stuff with our kids which is lovely but otherwise often just ignores them (and 9 and 6). She often just says things that really grate, she is very judgemental about everyone, well - except my husband.

And it isn't only Christmas we see her, she's had operations this year and we've hosted her in recovery plus 2 other visits of 4 or 5 days each time just to see her and because she's lonely (luckily not that lonely as she has her dog).

My husband has made several emergency trips this year when she's had illnesses and needed to get admitted through a & e and my bil has been to visit once in hospital after a lot of messages saying maybe he couldn't. Hopefully this gives some context - very happy to do our fair share and in fact keen to see her. But also just frustrated we can't seem to manage to stand up to BIL again about this.

I think it would ruin our families relationship with bil to leave him to get on with having mil, and she'd be mortally offended too, and it wouldn't be worth it.

Anyway sorry for the drip feed. We will get to see my family on 25th I think.

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 22/11/2022 23:24

Aah so the trick here might be to say something like 'we probably won't be able to have her until the 27th but if that changes we will let you know. Thanks again for hosting and let us know if you need anything.'

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 23/11/2022 20:06

@Jellyjunction I asked earlier, why does she need to stay with you? Why can't she be dropped back home the morning after Christmas? Why do you need to have her at all, when you see her on Christmas anyway?

gettingolderbutcooler · 24/11/2022 13:27



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