To ask for alcohol contribution for hosting Xmas meal

[Jollychristmas]

DH’s family (mum, brother and wife and two adult ‘kids’ in their 30’s) are coming to us for Xmas day for lunch and evening meal. We have two young DC’s and last year it wasn’t very relaxing taking a newborn out plus all the kids toys etc so I had suggested to DH we stay home. Previously we always went to his mums but we always took drinks and I always made a pudding.
Somehow it’s ended up they are coming to us this year.
DH’s family are big drinkers, expensive wine, ports, fancy beer etc whereas I don’t drink. So, we suggested we all divvy up the drinks to make it even for us all eg one person bring port, one wine, another non alco with roughly same £ spent. DH and I are by far the lowest earners and we are doing food, white wine (the most popular drink for them all), crackers etc. BIL complained and said he has already bought his own specialist non alco drinks and will not be sharing so not to include him!
I didn’t think we were unreasonable but apparently we are because we are the hosts we should be providing it all?
I just wanted a peaceful day with my kids to be honest.

I think tell them what you are providing, and say to bring whatever else they will want to drink.

I host for DC, partners and DGC. This year I think 10 of us. I’m provide most of the food but DC bring own booze and soft drinks for kids, someone will bring a bottle or two of Prosecco to share and some cooked food will usually be brought along too, just needs reheating.
My family are grateful I’m happy to host, we have a great time, but all agree it’s not fair to expect me to provide booze as well.

I always think people who don't like the terms of an invitation don't have to accept it.

You decide what you will offer whether that is just the food, food plus soft drinks, food plus X bottles white wine , whatever. Anyone who wants anything else can bring their own or go elsewhere. If I am hosting I won't be dictated to as to what I will provide other than trying to accomodate allergies and vegetarians if given enough notice. Don't buy more booze than you want to share - if you don't have it they can't drink it or go rummaging through your cupboards for more!

I suppose how you respond depends on whether you actually want them to come or whether you are OK with them flouncing off elsewhere!

When my sister hosts the rule is to bring whatever you want to drink apart from tea/coffee/water.

My Mum and I normally contribute a few other bits (I buy Christmas Pudding) and take some chocolates.

I'd have been tempted to say you're providing meal and x, if you fancy anything else you're more than welcome to bring it. Mind you, I say this to my SIL's family, then they turn up with absolutely nothing and seem a bit put out when there's not loads on offer (whereas we always take two bottles of wine and a pudd which they ask us to do!).

I just ask people to bring anything particular they'd like to drink and leave it at that. If what they prefer isn't there on the day that is up to them. I would have wine, cider and a few beers at home to go with a meal. Surely they know you well enough to know if you are the sort of people who have loads of alcohol in the house or not much. I wouldn't try and control it more than that.

It’s just polite really to bring something. If one of my sisters were hosting I would have already offered to bring wine and dessert or sides or something.

How has everyone else in the group reacted?

It's a completely normal request. As hosts you provide some booze but guests should absolutely bring a bottle or two each, and they shouldn't need to be asked (unless they actually want to coordinate different types of booze). If you have booze at home that you don't want them to guzzle, stash it away somewhere.

But BIL isn't being unreasonable either? Sounds like he's trying to cut down or quit. When people bring their own non-alcoholic drinks it's usually a given that it's just for them. If he's being cheeky and fully intends to drink booze as well that's a different matter but there's no way of knowing this.

(And people who aren't drinking booze don't have to bring any. Obviously. Occasionally they do and it's very nice but it's not a faux pas if they don't.)

With regard to your BIL - there could be a good reason why he's not drinking this year, that he doesn't want to share? And maybe he's worried that if his orangina gets put in with everything else he will end up with nothing to drink. Regarding everyone else, just tell them to bring whatever they want to drink. Then if they don't have what they want it will be their own fault.

I am surprised it even warrants a discussion. We usually alternate between hosting and visiting and guests always bring a good stash of alcohol and the hosts buys some as well. This is just normal and nobody has ever needed to be asked.

Perhaps your BIL thought it was rude of you to ask and so decided to make his point about bringing his own non alcoholic drinks. And frankly if that is all he drinks, asking him to bring a particular alcohol isn’t really fair on him, but he is also not saying that you have to provide the alcohol for everyone - he is just saying he isn’t having alcohol.

I think if BIL has bought his own drinks and doesn't want to buy booze fair enough but he can bring a cheese board or something.

I would not want to be hosting these type of people and I do a lot of hosting. The ones who go on like this don't get invited back.

We have an annual Christmas girls night, usually at mine and all put in money for a buffet which I have presented nicely when they arrive. One of them said she thinks I should pay more of a contribution as there's always leftovers that my family benefit from! Never mind that she usually shows up with a bottle of wine that she's already had a glass of, happily drinks my welcome cocktail, after dinner Bailey's, plus all the added costs of hosting like toilet roll, the heating, the oven being on for hours, the cleaning up, the plates and napkins. I told her to piss off!

I’d say I’ve bought 6 bottles of white wine (or whatever) so if you want anything else please bring. Then it’s up to them if they don’t bring anything

Just tell them they need to bring their own booze as you're providing the food (and doing all the prep/washing up etc)

OR buy them all a bottle of booze at their christmas gift!

I wouldn’t dream of turning up empty handed to any party. My rule of thumb is to take one bottle of something I like plus one bottle as a general contribution. Unless the host is very well off and happy to provide a free bar, it’s ridiculous to expect all alcohol to be provided.
If these people are big drinkers they’ll know how expensive it is. As a host I expect reproved some alcohol supplemented with contributions from the guests. I think this is fairly standard, isn’t it?
Do NOT be bullied by these quaffers! And let BIL bring his own non alcoholic drink. Seems reasonable

… I expect to PROVIDE some alcohol….🤪

When someone else is hosting, I'll bring some wine bottles and juice even if I'm just drinking juice.

Get hubby to send again. Just to be clear, we are providing the meal, water tea and coffee. Please bring whatever you want to drink. Tight gits!

Why not say looking forward to seeing you all and hosting . Please would you bring something you'd like to drink and some nibbles to share.

@Jollychristmas how was your Christmas in the end?

I think it's fair to ask them to bring their own drink, if you're supplying the food.