To ask if I can really do this? TW abuse

[tryingandfailing2]

Hello,

This is not my first thread about my abusive ex. I left him in August and there has been a catalogue of stalking and harassment, including smashing my car and threatening to kill me. I'm a teacher and today I checked my phone at the end of the day and I had messages from a drug dealer, telling me that my abusive ex has stole £2400 off him to fund his crack addiction, and gave the dealer my full address. Cue panic attack as the dealer tells me he's going to trash my entire home unless I pay the money. He then lets me know that my abusive ex has been with another girl the last two years (he also sent me her number, cheers for that).

Now, I rang the police 4 hours ago and they still haven't got back to me. My parents installed CCTV and I am safe at my dad's. But I am fucking broken. Suicidal. How do I process this? I'm no longer safe in the home that I worked so hard to buy (I'm only 25) but also how do I accept that he was with someone else the whole time? It breaks me. Of course I still have love for him.

I need to move on completely, from tomorrow. No contact. Block everyone. Change my number. Change my email.

Please tell me I can do this?

He gave your address to a dealer but what you're upset about is him being with someone else?

Get angry. Find your self respect.

Yes you can.

Yes you can do this, and you must. Your life may well depend on it.

I’m glad you’re somewhere safe. Nevermind the other woman he has been with- don’t you feel sorry for her? She’ll soon be the one being subjected to his abuse.

Move on with your life, report to police every time he tries to contact you. And thank your lucky stars you got away. Best of luck 💐

Yes. You definitely can.
You're a teacher. You own a home. You got rid of him. You're doing amazing in life.
I'm going to bet you my annual wage that message was not from a dealer. If he owed that money to him then firstly, he'd be hunting for the ex, not you. If he had your full address he would have already been there, he wouldn't have contacted you first before showing up. He wouldn't have mentioned the other woman (if there even is one) because he doesn't need to, it's not relevant to the debt and he wouldn't want to make you angry at your ex if he wants you to pay his debt.
It could possibly be the ex who sent the message, playing mind games and to make you hurt and scared.

You can do this. Lean on your family and friends, post here, make a list of all the things he's done to you and read it every time you feel your resolve slipping. This is the advice that has been getting me through.

Little by little it will get easier. But you do need to block him. Everywhere. And speak to the police every time he contacts you.

It's extremely hard but you deserve to be free of this man completely. And you can be. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Oh and if this 'dealer' has the other girls number surely he's best of ringing that to try and reach the one who actually owes him money.

That's the thing, why can I not just be rational? Why can't I see what he has done to me and just be angry and not give a shit! Why did I burst into tears when I realised he'd been with someone else? I wish I didn't care, because I KNOW he's a dickhead and I KNOW I deserve better. These trauma bonds are no joke :(

Thank you so much wonderful people

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear this is happening to you and you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We can’t always be rational when we’ve been in an emotionally charged and traumatic situation, which is why it’s great that you’re here talking to people who CAN be rational and help you .Time really will make all the difference and by surrounding yourself with good, supportive people like your dad, and keeping busy (not difficult as a teacher I imagine!), you WILL get through this.

@waterlego thank you so much. Please distract me from my feelings, what's your story? What are you up to tonight? I just need some normality amongst this chaos

This!

You’re doing so well @tryingandfailing2.

My evening has been uneventful. I worked earlier and then just took the dog round the block. Now showered and PJed and wiping round the kitchen surfaces, sorting some laundry and whatnot (and distracting self with MN!)

Are you a full time teacher?

The rational will come. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. And kind to yourself. Remember that this is trauma that you are feeling. It's painful but it does shift and change and become easier. Keeping him away is how you get clarity. Have you read any books on this? I find reading helps to keep me focused on the reality of the situation and stops me from focusing on anything else. I started with 'Why Does He Do That?' I also spoke to Women's Aid who were lovely. The Freedom Programme will help you too.

Keep posting here. It will be ok.

Look into therapy particularly for trauma bonding. It's really, really helpful. At least you understand that this is what it is. It's not love. It'll take a long time to change your way of thinking too.
Have a nice bath, watch a film, chat on here, anything to keep your mind off things.
Start hating him. You can do this!

Honestly thank you so much guys. Mumsnet has got me through my darkest times and I don't doubt it'll be any different this time.

Yeah, I'm a full time English teacher! Suppose it's a great distraction from everything and my colleagues are so supportive.

I'm all snuggled up in my "oodie" in bed at my dad's house, it feels so nice to be here with family and know that, at the very least, I'm safe. Xx