WWYD - MIL and gifts

[MILandgifts]

Last year MIL delivered two ginormous bags of Christmas presents for DC1, half of which were things we had already got him and which she had seen, or were very age inappropriate. And nothing for DC2 who was newborn (female, which seems to make a difference to pils). My gift from MIL was a battered, dusty, opened Woolworths bath set which included bath foam, hand cream and body lotion, all of which smelled like they went off years ago, the design on the box made it look like it had maybe been sitting under her sink since the 80s. I also got some old leaves chucked in the parcel for good measure. DH got a £300 watch.

I put mine in the bin as it was disgusting (she doesn’t know) but what do I get this year? I don’t want to waste money.

We’ve tried asking for no gifts in previous years when we lived abroad and during covid and she just ignores us and insists on sending this deluge of passive aggressive junk. She is in full possession of her faculties btw.

WIBU to give her something silly like a can of beans? Or would it be more unreasonable to just get her nothing?

Regift her all her junk back.

Just give her a framed picture of dcs and give I no more thought.
If there is a big difference in gifts between dcs again this year your dh needs to address this.

Tell her son he can buy her a gift. Remove yourself from the equation. None of your time or energy spent on her. What does he say about what you received last year?!

Don't let her see her present giving gets to you.

Soon as she's left sort through the gifts for the kids into three piles. Keep (and shared out if possible between both kids), donate, and bin.

Let DH deal with it all, planning and buying and if he doesn’t bother it’s not on you.

@stuntbubbles I considered that but she’s the sort who would make a big thing out of it with “I’m so sorry you didn’t like my gifts,” forever and the rest of the ILs would take her side.

Be the better person, give her something nice but small. A framed photo of your children is a great idea.

Or, if you want to be passive aggressive, give her a subscription. I once gave my MIL a subscription so she got a bunch of flowers every month. I did it mainly because I knew she'd love it but it had the added benefit of (probably) pissing off my estranged SIL who would have to see this lovely bunch of flowers every month which would remind her of me and my generosity. She hated me so it was a win-win.

@Pheefifofuckthisshit DH has gifted her the last 10 years, she literally opens anything he’s bought, turns to me and says ‘thank you DIL’ and when I point out I had nothing to do with it she just looks straight at me every time and goes ‘thank you’ like she thinks DH couldn’t possibly have got her a gift.

I’m partly considering getting her a separate really crap gift this year from me so she can see I really have nothing to do with DH’s excellent gift buying. Even he’s annoyed after last year though.

This is fine, the gifts are not your problem, her response is not your problem, what she gets you is not your problem, what she gets the kids can be managed by teaching them she buys tat and you sort it out afterwards.

None of this is a problem unless you try to change what she does.

p.s. I had a relative who bought crazy gifts, my parents taught us to laugh it off and then we got something afterwards in place of it.

This is pointless escalation.

@MsPinkMarshmallow oh a subscription what a good idea. But what to subscribe her to…?

@MILandgifts the Oldie magazine. It's actually excellent, my Mum used to read it but she won't know if you're being rude or not 😂

Why don't you just sponser a goat/cow or whatever animal she really doesn't like ?

@carefulcalculator she makes it everyone’s problem by asking each of us at every opportunity “did you like your XXX?” Or “did the XXX fit DC?” And I never know what to say, it’s painfully awkward, she will still be going on about it 6 months after Christmas. We are still being asked about DS’s gift from last Christmas.
I try to focus on the things we can honestly say we liked, or change the subject or deflect but she’s like a dog with a bone and if you tell her the truth she gets really upset and then she dines out on it for months by telling all the extended family how ungrateful we are.

We tried going NC with her at one point and she called DHs work and got the police to do a welfare check! It’s not quite that bad atm.

@harriethoyle @Autumntimeagain these are great suggestions, especially the goat, and maybe she will ‘retaliate’ by sponsoring a different animal or charity for me and then it’s a win-win for animal welfare and no real waste of money.

Actual Woolworths? Cos if you’re not in Australia, that’s some serious regifting!

For a subscription, I'd suggest the Lady magazine ?
Or if she's proud of her cooking/gardening or whatever get her a 'beginners guide' to...
Or maybe a 'idiots guide to' on how to use the internet/garden/decorate etc etc type magazine or book ?

Are you sure she means bad? Maybe she just isn't that great at gift giving. Unless there's a big back story retaliating with a hurtful present or ignoring her just seems unnecessarily nasty and will ruin your relationship for no good reason. I'd just laugh it off and bin, donate or keep as you see fit.

Don’t get involved in gift buying for her.

Have a stock phrase for all child related gift related questions. Something that sounds neutral. ‘You always buy such a lot’ might work for example.

My MIL once gave me at Xmas the exact gift i gave her the previous year, complete with a layer of dust where it had sat in the cupboard. After that DH was responsible for her gift which then became a voucher with no though behind it. I certainly didn’t trouble myself giving it headspace from then on in.

As it happened I quite liked the nice coasters I gave her anyway and use them till this day. Bonus.

She must be besties with my MIL. DH couldn’t possibly be expected to present buy as he’s a man.

The most important aspect is to address the imbalance between your son and daughter. I would post a happy picture of me with this years almost certainly shite gift on a family what’s app group to try and shame her. But I can be petty 🤷‍♀️🤣

In this same situation I hand knitted an in-law a very equisite soft beautiful lace scarf. In the horribliest nastiest colours I could find. Bright coral pink and mustard yellow. It was RANK but because it was handmade she couldn't say A THING. She had to say thank you for my hard work and obviously wear it on the next occasion we saw her.

For her birthday I bought her some tea light holders from Next, which is somewhere she holds in high regards. Turnip and cabbage shaped tealight holders in fact. Which she had to proudly put on display in her kitchen.

This was after many years of her buying me cheap poundshop tatt and me carefully considering each gift and buying really nice presents I knew she'd love. She had the cheek to moan to SIL one year that her present was crap and that's when I gave up trying to be nice. Every time we have present opening now my brother is desperate to guess what monstrosity I've found for her, and my Dad always has to leave the room because he can't keep a straight face.

@Testina I was trying not to be outing, but it was actually from Wilko, I’m not sure if that makes it worse or better. 😂
@Autumntimeagain Yes gardening for beginners would be thoughtful, she has a garden. One year she turned up unannounced at ours and just started ripping my blackberry plants out and DH had to stop her. “I was only getting rid of the weeds for you. BIL likes me weeding for him”
@VirusesSuck yeah it’s part of a bigger picture we didn’t go nc with her over xmas gifts, it was the desperate, needy, demanding, rude and one-sided behaviour combined with constant criticism of anything we do! I’ve actually got her blocked on my phone because she would ring me at 11pm or 5am to rapid-fire awkward questions at me.

So what does your DH think about you getting an out-of-date set from the long gone Woolies while he gets a £300 watch? Hasn't he got anything to say about the disparity? It seems ludicrous that you could be given such vastly different gifts and he wouldn't comment and that no-one else would comment or even perhaps gasp or laugh.

The £300 watch V the out-of-date Woolies smellies - it didn't really have to be OOD Woolies smellies, did it? Just the £300 watch V bathroom smellies would have sufficed.