WWYD - MIL and gifts

[MILandgifts]

Last year MIL delivered two ginormous bags of Christmas presents for DC1, half of which were things we had already got him and which she had seen, or were very age inappropriate. And nothing for DC2 who was newborn (female, which seems to make a difference to pils). My gift from MIL was a battered, dusty, opened Woolworths bath set which included bath foam, hand cream and body lotion, all of which smelled like they went off years ago, the design on the box made it look like it had maybe been sitting under her sink since the 80s. I also got some old leaves chucked in the parcel for good measure. DH got a £300 watch.

I put mine in the bin as it was disgusting (she doesn’t know) but what do I get this year? I don’t want to waste money.

We’ve tried asking for no gifts in previous years when we lived abroad and during covid and she just ignores us and insists on sending this deluge of passive aggressive junk. She is in full possession of her faculties btw.

WIBU to give her something silly like a can of beans? Or would it be more unreasonable to just get her nothing?

Yes, this - I honestly don’t think my DH would let this go if his mum did this to me. It’s spiteful of her, as is treating your children differently.

To be honest, I wouldn't / don't care about my present from in-laws, but the children's presents and one getting loads whilst the other doesn't, would be a problem.
Who cares what she gets you unless you massively help them out all the time and spend a fortune on them?
Another way to avoid crap presents is to do a secret santa with a set budget - e.g 40 quid per person. Then you get one good present / a selection of presents that add up to that value and even do a list of what you'd like. It's worked for our family for the past 4 years and also saved a lot of money for everyone. Instead of 10 or 20 quid on tat for every person in the family, you get one decent thing that one person actually wants.
The children I'd share lists in advance and be really clear on what they don't need.

@jazzybelle hes’s as stumped about how to handle it as I am. He is the one who has asked her repeatedly if we can just stop doing gifts and every time he stands up to her about anything she then goes round the family saying this came from me when it didn’t, then I get random in laws making snide comments to me or comments like ‘won’t you just let MIL do X?’ when it’s nothing to do with me and she’s never offered to do X she just tells people I won’t let her. It’s like she has this whole big narrative going on that we don’t know anything about as we try to stay away as much as we can.

I'd give her a pound-shop bath set.

@2bazookas love it! I want to be the bigger person but I will imagine this all the same.

I don’t speak to my mil any more (thank fuck!) but when I did she once gifted me stolen hotel towels from a holiday she’d been on years prior (so they were fraying and really crusty) and her old used bathroom soap holder set (complete with old grey soap in the bottom). She handed them to me with a smug smile.

What did I give her in return on her birthday? A plastic dog poop from Wilkos with a note attached to say I’d donated a toilet in her honour.

No regrets.

www.toilettwinning.org

@ChocolateCakeYum bloody hell! I’d think that was early stages of dementia if that happened 😳

My MIL has ALL of her faculties about her. She knew what she was doing.

That was by no means the worst thing she gave me either. It was one in a long line of shitty things she did to me actually (which is why she was eventually cut off).

Her son already gets her a present. There’s no issue here, you don’t need gift suggestions. If you want to keep her around your kids with her awful behaviour choices, that’s a different thread.

Soap and glory or babyliss harding?

@ChocolateCakeYum quite right, no need to give that kind of 💩headspace xx

This is superb - well done!

Do you see much of/have much interaction with other in-laws? If not, why worry about what they think?

As to dealing with it, in your husband's shoes I would have bagged up all the gifts (after photographing) and returned them all to his mother with the message that if she is not going to treat his wife and daughter as they should be treated then he will not accept any gifts. I cannot imagine my husband in your husband's shoes keeping a £300 watch after what you were given. Plus to not give one single solitary thing to your daughter - doesn't matter how old she was - is awful.

Don't bother buying her anything, stop playing her game. If you do get a shit present this year and open it in front of her, photograph it, then calmly throw it in the bin in front of her.

This is absolute genius.

But it isn't about doing gifts. It's about the disparity between the gifts she gives to you both.

When the family make snide comments to you, do you and your husband not explain what the issue is?

If the family knew the issue from both you and your husband, surely it would make a difference. Do you let them make snide comments and make no attempt to reply and just say nothing? Or do you actually try to find out what's going on and what the 'big narrative' actually is?

BTW what is the X that MIL wants to do and you won't let her?