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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread being a bridesmaid aged 47

30 replies

Chococrimbo · 20/11/2022 21:02

Just that really. A good friend getting married who is having the whole shebang, hundreds of people , 2 day event, matching dressing gowns, dresses etc.
I dread the idea of it, I really feel I am done with that whole dressing up to the nines and being at the centre of events. I know I have to suck it up but is it unreasonable to dread the whole thing

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2022 21:04

Of course you don’t have to suck it up. Decline or say you’ve changed your mind. I’ve been a BM 7 times and I’m never doing it again. Nice to be asked but it’s a load of fucking effort.

WimpoleHat · 20/11/2022 21:04

I’m a similar age and I’m with you - I’d hate it. Are there any kids on the scene? Yours /hers/her family? A nice dodge is to say “Oh no! I’m too old! Please leave it to the youngsters - they’d love it!”.

Newlifestartingatlast · 20/11/2022 21:07

Just thank her and say , as much as you love her, you don’t want the whole dressing up on show piece

offer to be her “ behind the scene” wing woman. You’ll help her, be there for her, but will stay out of limelight.

Original poster
Chococrimbo · 20/11/2022 21:08

I’ve already said yes and have the dress etc - organised the hen and all that jazz.

There is no getting out of it, I just feel at this stage of my life, I am not into it and certainly not looking forward to it. Last time I did bridesmaid I was 37 with 2 children and felt ancient then

OP posts:
Pinniepotter · 20/11/2022 21:08

The absolute up side of being 47 is that you are able to say no to being a bridesmaid. I really wouldn't do it.

Original poster
Chococrimbo · 20/11/2022 21:10

Just to add to my last message - I couldn’t say no. This is my oldest friend, same age. I do adore her but there were no reasons I could give - 2 teen and one tween son aren’t reasons for not committing. They won’t even notice I’m not there !

OP posts:
NotABeliever · 20/11/2022 21:10

I hear you! I'm exactly the same age as you and my best for end from school got married last year and I was BM. She did the whole traditional wedding too.
To be honest, my main worry was the dress as my friend had some very UNREALISTIC ideas. We almost fell out when I told her I couldn't weer what she wantes me too and would have to decline being BM if she insisted. In the end she gave me carte blanche on the BM's dresses.
The day itself was actually really enjoyable.
My advice is to say from the start is something really doesn't work for you. Then try to relax and enjoy it reminding yourself it won't come around again!

Original poster
Chococrimbo · 20/11/2022 21:11

I suppose I’m more asking am I being an unreasonable joyless cow by not being full of enthusiasm

OP posts:
Judelawswife68 · 20/11/2022 21:14

Aren't you a maid of honor at 47 and nearly adult children? Does that sound better? Less girly?

ProperVexed · 20/11/2022 21:17

I was in this position a couple of years ago. I'm in my 50s. The bride is slightly older than me - her second wedding. I was thrilled to be asked and said yes. Then it turned into my worse nightmare. She had the works.... lengthy hen do, big white dress, flowers, nails, makeup, fireworks, choreographed first dance. The main thing was that she had a fabulous day, but I hated it. Had I known that it was going to be a traditional affair I would have declined.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/11/2022 21:18

If she’s one of your oldest and best friends and has been a good one to you then honestly, I think you do need to jolly yourself up a bit and get into the spirit. Presuming this is her first marriage, it seems sad for your friend that simply because she’s doing this older and hasn’t met anyone she wanted to marry earlier in her life, some people’s enthusiasm for her celebrations and milestones, which they were perhaps lucky enough to have earlier in their lives when their peers were less jaded, is now subdued. Her marriage at 47 deserves the same excitement as if she and you were still 27 and going to friends’ weddings a novelty!

goodnighthunny · 20/11/2022 21:22

OP, if she's one of your oldest and best friends, how can she possibly not know that you wouldn't want to do this? (I wouldn't, either - I'd be finding any excuse not to).

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/11/2022 21:23

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/11/2022 21:18

If she’s one of your oldest and best friends and has been a good one to you then honestly, I think you do need to jolly yourself up a bit and get into the spirit. Presuming this is her first marriage, it seems sad for your friend that simply because she’s doing this older and hasn’t met anyone she wanted to marry earlier in her life, some people’s enthusiasm for her celebrations and milestones, which they were perhaps lucky enough to have earlier in their lives when their peers were less jaded, is now subdued. Her marriage at 47 deserves the same excitement as if she and you were still 27 and going to friends’ weddings a novelty!

Though if it’s a second (or subsequent) marriage then I think your grinchiness is a little more understandable. Hundreds of guests, matching outfits, and a retinue of bridesmaids when you’ve done this before is a bit much.

Fizzadora · 20/11/2022 21:25

Judelawswife68 · 20/11/2022 21:14

Aren't you a maid of honor at 47 and nearly adult children? Does that sound better? Less girly?

Matron of honour I believe, if you have children😂😂
That should make you feel even older.

Original poster
Chococrimbo · 20/11/2022 21:32

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/11/2022 21:18

If she’s one of your oldest and best friends and has been a good one to you then honestly, I think you do need to jolly yourself up a bit and get into the spirit. Presuming this is her first marriage, it seems sad for your friend that simply because she’s doing this older and hasn’t met anyone she wanted to marry earlier in her life, some people’s enthusiasm for her celebrations and milestones, which they were perhaps lucky enough to have earlier in their lives when their peers were less jaded, is now subdued. Her marriage at 47 deserves the same excitement as if she and you were still 27 and going to friends’ weddings a novelty!

It’s her first wedding and and yes she has always wanted the ‘works’. 18 years ago she was my bridesmaid and mine was more low key but you are right, I need to just buck up and get into the spirit despite my reservations

OP posts:
snowshoehare · 20/11/2022 21:35

You're a matron of honour if you are married - nothing to do with having children.

Remaker · 20/11/2022 21:38

I don’t think you are BU. But as you say, dress is bought and you can’t back out now. Put on your happy face for her, it wouldn’t be fair to let on how you’re feeling at this late stage.

One of my BMs felt the same (much younger than you but she was ‘old’ before her time). I recognised it and we had a heart to heart and decided she should just be a guest and not a BM.

Is it your friend’s first wedding? I got married later than most of my friends and it felt hurtful that some of them expected I should have a low key affair because they were a bit ‘over’ weddings. Even my own mother was encouraging me not to wear a wedding dress because of my age (I was mid 30s haha). It’s not a less significant event when you get married later than the average.

Onnabugeisha · 20/11/2022 21:42

I hear you. Last time I was a bridesmaid I was 8 months pregnant on the wedding day. I felt like a heffalump walking down the aisle.

You could have your titles changed to “matrons of honour” and go for grandeur and poise instead of “bridesmaids” as that’s more appropriate for later in life weddings with married women as the bride’s attendants.

snowshoehare · 20/11/2022 21:44

I went to a wedding where the bride was in her seventies and the groom was eighty. Their spouses had both died. It was a huge family wedding - lots of children, grandchildren, stepchildren. They got the ring and had an engagement party too. She was all giggly about her ring. It was a lovely family day with great food and they looked so happy. No, she didn't have bridesmaids but honestly it was a great day.

Pinniepotter · 20/11/2022 21:45

The rule I had at my wedding was that all my guests were just guests and no one had to be a dj or a photographer or whatever. My 5 year old twin nieces were bridesmaids because they really wanted to be and enjoyed dressing up. I wouldn't want my friend to come and not enjoy it! Why would your friend.

Schlaar · 20/11/2022 21:48

If you’re married you’re not supposed to be a bridesmaid. It’s supposed to be unwed women only.

Onnabugeisha · 20/11/2022 21:49

Schlaar · 20/11/2022 21:48

If you’re married you’re not supposed to be a bridesmaid. It’s supposed to be unwed women only.

Agree. Married attendants of the bride are called matrons of honour, not bridesmaids.

Original poster
Chococrimbo · 20/11/2022 22:01

Onnabugeisha · 20/11/2022 21:49

Agree. Married attendants of the bride are called matrons of honour, not bridesmaids.

Show quote history

I’m not sure this makes a difference - the end result is still the same!

OP posts:
Stravaig · 20/11/2022 22:28

Just say no.
She can't be that a good friend if she's oblivious to how you feel about this.

If you need a fig leaf, concoct some nonsense about refusing to be responsible for the seven year curse unleashed on their marriage by a married bridesmaid.

Ontobetterthings · 20/11/2022 22:31

Hi op I declined bridesmaid at 41. I explained I felt too silly to be doing it at that age, married with kids. Just say no.

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