Matching clothes with DD, I want to stop AIBU?

[MatchingIsNotForme]

I never thought I’d be one of those parents that did this as I think DD should be her own person but want to know if IABU to want to stop it?

DD is 7.

Her dad (my ExH) is being a bit unreliable at the moment. He’s supposed to have her EOWend for 1 night. And he always used to be consistent. He also used to come to everything; sports days, plays, parents evenings etc.

Recently he’s just stopped. He didn’t come to her most recent parents evening, cancelled contact last weekend due to “work” (he works in a public place; think like supermarket/café etc. and I didn’t see him at work that day and neither did others who know him and us) and completely forgot to come to her Brownie Fundraiser last week. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, he’s always been a bit

To say DD is feeling insecure is an understatement. She’s got very clingy of me; hugs me a lot, tells me she loves me as well as being a bit reluctant to go into school and suddenly gets upset if her friends aren’t in school. I had a minor accident at home a few weeks ago and had to go to A+E, she was with my mum while I was getting treated and she rang me 3 times in 3 hours and cried herself to sleep. She slept in my bed that night (when I say minor, I mean very minor, think like a cut that needed gluing or a minor break/sprain)

She’s been referred to CAMHS for counselling but the wait list is huge and I cannot afford private so we've got to wait for that.

Recently she’s been begging me to wear matching clothes to her when we go out, it started with shoes but now it’s jumpers and tshirts. I’ve been doing it because it makes her happy and less clingy but I’m worried that I’m setting her up to think it’s like this all the time. I want her to be her own person and develop her own tastes in clothes (even if that is similar to what I dress in). She's started asking if we can wear whole matching outfits, asked Santa for matching Christmas outfits and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable as it goes against the way I want to parent her - I want her to be indepedent of me both in her sense of self and her abilities.

So I want to put a stop to it, but I don’t want it to be a rejection of her or to make her feel even more insecure, so can anyone give me ideas?

*he's always been a bit forgetful but until now it#s never affected DD

Can you get her a matching necklace/bracelet for Christmas or like those ones that are 2 halves of a heart or a jigsaw?
Sell it as something super special that only you two know is matching and you'll both keep it close to your heart etc...

I have no advice for you, just wanted to say what a lovely Mum you sound xxx

How about matching pjs for home?
I was going to suggest matching necklace but @EvilHerbivore beat me to it!

This sounds like a lovely idea.

Perhaps also get some matching Christmas pjs? So she still gets the matching outfit she's asked for from Santa but not taking away from her style iyswim.

This is a lovely idea.

Have you been able to talk to you ex OP?

Aah some lovely alternative suggestions.
also to add, when my daughter started school (I read this idea on here) we got matching key rings, little wooden cats, hers had her name on it and mine had my name.
the aim being if you missed each other you would have a little reminder of the other person.

My DD went through wanting to match my outfits around that age. She grew out of it but every so often will match ´y outfit done how, now. She’s a wicked sense of style tbh and I bean brightly inside when she matches me.

I know it’s under very different circumstances but I’d just let her. As long as it’s not matching slogans but colours, I wouldn’t mind at all

@Luredbyapomegranate Not been able to talk to him, when I ask him why he shuts me down.

Thanks @EvilHerbivore the necklace idea sounds a good idea, and the matching pjs suggested by others.

Sometimes my daughter likes me to draw a heart on her wrist and one on mine, before she goes to school. Just another more subtle thing that might help.

Dd has separation anxiety since Covid. Fortunately she doesn’t dress like me but we do wear the same perfume as it’s reassuring. It’s the last part of our routine before school, to spray each other.

Contact her school and ask if they run the ELSA programme. It is an emotional support programme run within schools to support the emotional needs of children who need extra support. My DS had support for several months in Year 2 and it was invaluable.

This is a really lovely idea.

@MatchingIsNotForme you are a lovely caring mum. It's a tricky situation you're dealing with but you're approaching it with thought and thinking of the long term, not quick fixes. I hope your lg can find the reassurance she's looking for. Xx

You'd not be unreasonable to stop because you don't want to, although I can't help with how to explain that. I'd probably just say I confuse the money/space to buy more matching stuff, and then get lax on the washing so It's an option less.

But equally I don't think wanting her to be independent is a reason to stop. Right now she's going through some stuff and wants looked after, that's okay and normal even for an adult, and absolutely doesn't impact on her ability to be an individual. Sometimes independence is knowing when to ask for help. Sure she's chosen an odd way to express that need, but she's a kid.

My daughter went through a stage of us wearing the same, I was embarrassed but I could see she needed that (girls wear the same as their friends so I felt honoured she viewed me as a friend), it last for a few months then she stopped checking what I was wearing and wore her own things.

shes now a teen and would die if I wore the same as her!

your daughter just needs the reassurance, but I wouldn’t worry, it won’t last and she’ll remember she can trust and rely on you.

Bless her

theres a visualisation exercise that might help her, if you repeat it regularly. Basically you talk about an invisible string that connects her heart and yours , and that it’s ALWAYS there and can never be broken. Talk about how it doesn’t matter if you eat different lunches, or you’re wearing different colours etc, you are always joined by your invisible thread.

It’s broken my heart a bit to read , So must be deavatsatonf for you. I can see you’re absolutely wanting to do that right thing, but remember this phase won’t be forever- there could be a time when she deals with her anxiety and fear of abandonment in more distant and difficult to access ways. The silver lining here is that she’s young enough still to be showing you what she needs without inhibition x

You sound lovely!
Dd's dad has been a nightmare messing her about re contact this year. She's 11. We have matching pjs and hot water bottles.
She's too cool to wear the same clothes outside the house as me, but at home she wears my slippers and my dressing gown. I think she just wants some reassurance, as does yours, that she is loved and valued.
Try to find some 'home' clothes you can wear together x

When my DD was younger, she struggled with separation anxiety and was very clingy at times (and is still a very anxious child). I crocheted a little red heart for her to keep in her pocket at school, I told her it was full of my love for her - whenever she was anxious or missed me, she could put her hand in her pocket and hold the heart I had given her. It did seem to help her a bit... grasping at straws, I know, but I was willing to try anything to help her feel better!
I really hope some of the ideas in this thread help you and her - it's so hard to see them struggle.

I would also up the affection, hugs, silly childishness for a bit. Pull her onto your lap for a spontaneous cuddle, brush her hair in the evenings, snuggle up with popcorn and a film (in matching PJs!)

Just so she doesn’t have to ask for reassurance but instead is surrounded by very obvious indicators of reassurance and comfort. It should help to reduce her overall anxiety that she’s cherished and wanted and that you’re close by

She's 7, she will have noticed her dad's routine change and is worried you will abandon her too. Have you tried actually talking to her about it so you can reassure her you aren't going anywhere.

Also tell dad exactly how it's funking with her and either he gets consistent or its court ordered in which case he misses it he starts to lose contact. Ifs not fair in the poor kid.

I might be off the mark here but there are so many adverts on the TV at the moment with the perfect family having the perfect Christmas and they're all in matching PJs. May be she think she'll get some of that magic if you're in matching PJs... and you could also talk about how families come in different shapes and sizes and how everyone's Christmases are different.
You sound lovely and there are so many lovely suggestions on this thread. Very heart warming.

You do sound like a lovely mum x

I don't think this is anything to worry about OP. She's 7 and at that age my DD also loved matching clothes with me. We had matching Christmas dresses one year. She's 12 now and would die of embarrassment but pretty normal at 7 I think.

What a sweetheart, you and others on this thread sound like wonderful mums ❤️
I'd assume that (if he is mentally well) that he needs telling in plain English that he needs to sort his shit out.
Do you have an extended family? Taking her to see them and doing nice things with them might help her to feel cherished and secure