Matching clothes with DD, I want to stop AIBU?

[MatchingIsNotForme]

I never thought I’d be one of those parents that did this as I think DD should be her own person but want to know if IABU to want to stop it?

DD is 7.

Her dad (my ExH) is being a bit unreliable at the moment. He’s supposed to have her EOWend for 1 night. And he always used to be consistent. He also used to come to everything; sports days, plays, parents evenings etc.

Recently he’s just stopped. He didn’t come to her most recent parents evening, cancelled contact last weekend due to “work” (he works in a public place; think like supermarket/café etc. and I didn’t see him at work that day and neither did others who know him and us) and completely forgot to come to her Brownie Fundraiser last week. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, he’s always been a bit

To say DD is feeling insecure is an understatement. She’s got very clingy of me; hugs me a lot, tells me she loves me as well as being a bit reluctant to go into school and suddenly gets upset if her friends aren’t in school. I had a minor accident at home a few weeks ago and had to go to A+E, she was with my mum while I was getting treated and she rang me 3 times in 3 hours and cried herself to sleep. She slept in my bed that night (when I say minor, I mean very minor, think like a cut that needed gluing or a minor break/sprain)

She’s been referred to CAMHS for counselling but the wait list is huge and I cannot afford private so we've got to wait for that.

Recently she’s been begging me to wear matching clothes to her when we go out, it started with shoes but now it’s jumpers and tshirts. I’ve been doing it because it makes her happy and less clingy but I’m worried that I’m setting her up to think it’s like this all the time. I want her to be her own person and develop her own tastes in clothes (even if that is similar to what I dress in). She's started asking if we can wear whole matching outfits, asked Santa for matching Christmas outfits and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable as it goes against the way I want to parent her - I want her to be indepedent of me both in her sense of self and her abilities.

So I want to put a stop to it, but I don’t want it to be a rejection of her or to make her feel even more insecure, so can anyone give me ideas?

Buy her a book called 'The Invisible String'. We've used it loads in school for similar situations. There's also a workbook with activities but I've never used that
www.amazon.co.uk/The-Invisible-String/dp/B07ZHNDKF6/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+invisible+string+book&qid=1668979271&sprefix=the+invisible+string%2Caps%2C495&sr=8-1

Lots of lovely suggestions.

I wouldn’t worry about her future independence just now, she needs to feel secure in her attachement with you before she can springboard on to independence.

Matching jewellery is such a lovely idea.

I think this sounds like a great idea! Makes it extra special too.

@Reluctantadult I do the same with my dd

I think you don't need to worry about her being independent in future. From what I understand, the more secure a child is, the more likely they are to grow up independent.

With a slightly clingy DD myself, I can fully understand how hard it can be sometimes. I often want to scream for a bit of my own independence.

Your DD seems to need a bit of reassurance at the moment, so I'd actually suggest maybe this clothes matching is a lovely, harmless and simple way of showing closeness to her. Maybe some more 'special time' to encourage her to open up and talk to you would also help her feel loved and secure?

But most of all, and first of all, are you getting enough of a break yourself? Are you getting overwhelmed with it all? Have you got people to vent to?

It sounds like your daughter is just going through a time where she needs to feel close to you. I don’t think it’s about her being too dependent. She’s 7! Now if she were 17 and wanted to wear matching Laura Ashley dresses from the 80s, then, yes put the kibosh on it.

But she’s 7. You want to resist meeting her needs, in the name of independence from you. This is the season of life when she needs you, dependence is not all bad. She can feel your aversion which makes her cling even more. That aversion will come across as though you don’t want to be close to her.

Nothing wrong with matching pajamas and necklace or bracelet. Nothing wrong with matching sweaters or t shirts. She’ll grow out of this and will be grown and gone and independent of you in the twinkle of an eye. The years go fast. Enjoy closeness with your daughter.

Squirt of your perfume on her sleeve do she can give it a sniff and no one round really notice and paint your toe nails the same colour as hers. I agree, you need to wean her off the matching clothes.

I used to kiss their palms, they used to put the kisses in their pockets!
my youngest would ‘eat’ them!

This is a nice idea

Lovely ideas here especially the two-hearts jewellery and the perfume. Smell is such a strong, emotive sense that I think the perfume idea could work really well.

I’d do what she needs but scaling it down gently. Can you get less obvious matches, such as PJs or jewellery?

Why not allow a limited (and controlled) amount of twin dresssing; pyjamas or oodies ( only happens at home for lounging or sleeping) ; perhaps track suits for sports. IOW clothes that only have limited places they can be worn in or for. Which curbs the opportunities.

Other than those limited instances; twinning could be small personal items ; matching necklaces, or a scarf or brooch or headband , wellies.

That might be enough to satisfy her need to identify and be close to you, without allowing it to develop into a fullblown attachment disorder

Very sad if her Dad is bowing out of her life. But she needs to be re-assured that even an absentee dad is still her dad. Make a photo album all about him. Pictures on her wall, talk about him and encourage her to. He may be hopeless at making contact, but its a two way thing; she can still write letters, send pictures of herself etc.

Please don't limit it.

If you pull away at all at the moment, she will feel less secure and it will reduce her ability to be independent.

She's feeling insecure because one parent has stepped away from her. She needs you to give her all the love and reassurance you can until she recovers and feels more secure again.

She's only little and it's harmless. Let her carry on matching you if it helps her.

Great idea. But I'd hit the matching clothes on the head, maybe get the same pj's or something but not out and about
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lots of good suggestions, I wouldn’t limit this I would embrace it if I was you. I don’t think anything when I see parents wearing matching anything other than it’s dead cute. It’s a phase it won’t last forever, sounds like you’re doing an amazing job!

@Morechocmorechoc We already have a court order for the EOWend, he doesn't always stick to it, and I know the courts will say some contact is better than none so at least he has the chance to be consistent

@Nottodaysausage I have a mum whose fairly consistent in that we see her 1-2 times a week, and we spend Christmas with her. I have a brother and SIL who we see once a month or so and will spend Christmas with us too. I've taken her lead with presents and let her choose them and prepped my mum and brother that they were chosen by a 7yo.

Thanks everyone, will draw the line at full matching outfits I think but jumpers/tshirts and shoes are fine for out of the house and will get matching pyjamas and a big snuggly blanket for in the house.

I will also see if my mums up for more babysitting (shouldn't be hard to persaude her to look after her only Grandchild ) to show DD I'm not planning on going anywhere.

I thought he was going for 50:50? I know you name change but you always quote the same details. I take it he didn't get it - is his dropping contact related to that?

I think the matching jewellery is a great idea. You could say she gets to pick one matching colour of item of clothing - it's difficult because she's desperate for total control but also that's the last thing she can cope with.

I don't think this is the time to push her to be independent.

If you don't want to match completely, could you suggest the same jumper or other item, different colours? For example, tell her that she suits red but you look better in green so you should both go for the colour that suits you best.

A matching necklace or bracelet sounds lovely. I think she just needs lots of hugs, kisses and reassurance that you are there for her and that it's fun to choose your own clothes. Maybe do a little shopping trip in the xmas sales (if expenses allow) so she can pick up some nice bits for herself.

I have a matching "bff" keyring (on my keys and on her zip on her coat) for myself and my daughter, also matching friendship bracelets. She has a lot of anxiety and this helps her be "connected" when we're apart on a day.

I will also see if my mums up for more babysitting (shouldn't be hard to persaude her to look after her only Grandchild Halo) to show DD I'm not planning on going anywhere.

Sorry. Can you explain this?