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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to share a bed with my husband?

36 replies

FebMama · 20/11/2022 19:09

Currently almost 29 weeks pregnant.
We are lucky to have a spare bedroom with a double bed and for the last two nights I've slept in there on my own. Needless to say, I've slept wonderfully.

I do enjoy sleeping with my husband as he often likes to cuddle which is nice. But he's also very restless, fidgets a lot, takes up so much room and he also sleep talks (mainly about work). He more often than not, disrupts my sleep.

When I sleep alone, I sleep solidly. I wake up feeling rested and in such a better mood mentally and emotionally. I also feel that he sleeps better when he's alone too! I mean who doesn't when they've got the bed to themselves?

DH has told me he understands why I've gone into the spare room but I can't help but feel a tad guilty as I don't want him thinking I want to be away from him and every night and it's a personal thing. I just find that sleeping together and having a cuddle is quite an affectionate time together and given we're not enjoying much sexual activity together right now plus not sleeping together at night, I just wonder if I'm putting a barrier between us (unintentionally) and I should just sleep apart from him a few nights a week rather than every night now.

When baby comes in a few months time, I'll be permanently set up in that spare room with the baby for when DH goes to work and I'll be the one doing all of the night wakes too. So we're going to be sleeping apart for the best part of next year as well.

What does everyone think?

YABU - you should make the effort to sleep together now before baby arrives
YANBU - sleeping apart is the way forward, carry on!

OP posts:
2020firsttimemum · 20/11/2022 19:11

YANBU
I'm 27 weeks and would definitely do the same if I could!

As long as you're both on the same page and he understands why you're sleeping separate then it can be completely healthy

Teaandcrumpets95 · 20/11/2022 19:16

Do it! I ain't even pregnant and I love having the bed to myself 😆

I do think having to be alone with the baby all night every night may be more problematic, yea he has work but unless he's a brain surgeon or something you'll need some rest too as presumably you'll be responsible for looking after the baby in the day. I would just consider that tbh.

UWhatNow · 20/11/2022 19:17

YANBU but you are BU to feel guilty about this. When family life calls for it, everyone has to make sacrifices for the greater good. You’ll find this out x1000 once your little one is here. Cuddle in kitchen but look after yourself and get sleep. Stop with the ‘guilt’ about his feelings - your DH is a big grown ass man who will cope. Stop doing what holds all women back and that is flagellating yourself with guilt over other people’s needs. Attend to your own oxygen mask first (guilt free) and you’ll be a better wife and mother all round.

Teaandcrumpets95 · 20/11/2022 19:17

Sorry, forgot- YANBU

gamerchick · 20/11/2022 19:18

I've had my own bedroom for years and I've never been pregnant to my husband.

Sleep is king and intimacy doesn't rely on sleeping in the same bed.

BuffaloCauliflower · 20/11/2022 19:19

Really sensible, don’t feel guilty at all! I bedshared with baby from 6w to 10m while DH slept in the other room and it was great for everyone concerned.

WednesdaysChild11 · 20/11/2022 19:19

YANBU

Onnabugeisha · 20/11/2022 19:19

YANBU to sleep seperately, but I agree with pp you need to rethink you doing all the baby night wakings. This creates a rod for your back when the baby is older because then the baby will become a toddler than refuses to settle for their dad. You need to split the night wakings in some way. I breastfed exclusively so I got up & fed them, then I woke up DH and he did the nappy change, winding, and putting back to sleep of each night waking. It meant that when they were older, they’d happily go to bed for either of us.

Suzi888 · 20/11/2022 19:19

YANBU I moved DH into another bedroom towards the very end of pregnancy. DH was able to occasionally join me for a cuddle etc but ultimately got kicked out! You need your rest.

Blowyourowntrumpet · 20/11/2022 19:25

YANBU

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/11/2022 19:27

It’s fine, but don’t go signing up for all the night wakes. Unless he’s flying planes he can do one midweek I would think - but certainly the two weekend nights

SallyWD · 20/11/2022 19:29

I sleep in the spare room about 50% of the time. I wouldn't do it every night but really do enjoy it and sleep better.

Coconutcream123 · 20/11/2022 19:33

Me and DH have slept in seperate rooms for a while due to pregnancy. I am majorly fatigued despite sleeping and if he's in there I just dont sleep at all, doesn't help I have SPD and need about 1000 cushions to be comfortable.
Agree with comments about night wakings, that needs to be shared

FebMama · 20/11/2022 19:37

Thanks all - unanimous vote for YANBU!

Regarding the night wakes, completely see where you're all coming from when it comes to DH doing his share. But in all honestly, when DS1 was a newborn/baby, we had the same set up. I was EBF DS1 and also plan to do the same with DS2 (I hope). I didn't really feel like DH was much help, when he tried to. He would do the odd nappy here and there but with me feeding, there wasn't much I felt I needed from him. If anything, it stressed me out more when he was around as he's such a deep sleeper and I found it much easier to just get on with it myself.

He will help on weekend nights though, we have discussed that already.
During the week, DH will work full time and he travels a lot for work (long distance driving sometimes up to 3.5 hours per day), leaving early and not back until 7/8pm and the last thing I would want would be for him to feel exhausted whilst doing long drives and risk having an accident.

Thank you for your votes as it'll definitely help me not to feel so guilty tonight when I crawl into bed by myself 😁

OP posts:
SilentHedges · 20/11/2022 19:45

Historically, couples slept together because they had to. The wealthy had separate sleeping quarters.

I'm not wealthy or landed gentry, but we have 2 double bedrooms, and OP and I have one each. He is a really light sleeper, but also snores, and I fidget. Sleeping separately we get a good sleep, it works wonderfully and has no bearing on our healthy relationship.

Meklk · 20/11/2022 19:45

I didn't sleep in the same bed with my husband more than 4 years now! We both sleeping much better. Intimacy is different from sleeping together. We have sex at least twice a week. The best decision in our lives!

DuploMum · 20/11/2022 19:58

Absolutely not unreasonable 😆 even now my DC are 2,1. I'd still choose to get into bed with DC1. Means he won't come find me in the night and as a bonus I get more room 😍

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2022 20:01

YANBU. Sleep in the last trimester is a nightmare so do whatever works.

Why does he get the main room once the baby’s here? Wouldn’t it be better if he’s in the spare room?

WineCap · 20/11/2022 20:13

I would definitely choose to sleep in my own bed if I were you OP!

FebMama · 20/11/2022 20:16

Fair point you make @AnneLovesGilbert! But we have a brilliant orthopaedic mattress in the spare room which I love and DH hates. It's so firm and feels lovely on my back so I really don't mind being in there. The mattress in our main room is lovely too mind you.
It was also my decision to move into the spare room when baby arrives, which I really don't mind doing!
We haven't long renovated and so all of our rooms are practically brand new and all with newly completed en-suites too so I feel I'll be more than happy setting up camp in there once baby arrives!

OP posts:
goingback · 20/11/2022 20:43

love it when DP is on nightshift , get the best sleep of the week. have already said getting separate rooms when kids move out hopefully. Parents have had this arrangement for years and both have said they wished they had done so years previously as dad restless and fidgety and mum snores. Seems to have had a positive impact on their health and relationship

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2022 20:45

Sounds well thought out and fair enough then OP. I just hate the idea of a new mum and baby being relegated because a man works! If you’ll have everything you need and be comfy then nothing to do with anyone else.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/11/2022 20:50

We sleep separately. I was starting to feel a bit bad about it but last night my friend stayed and DH was in bed with me. I had to decamp to the sofa at 5am as I couldn't take the snoring anymore! I'm exhausted today so I would take sleep any day. It doesn't affect our sex life or us as a couple. In fact we get on much better these days

CinderCellar · 20/11/2022 21:31

Me and DH have always had our own bedrooms, we started in our 20s (now in our 30s). We just sleep better apart, we have a 5 year old and a baby so it’s great for when we take turns to do the night shift, we swap rooms when he has the baby overnight.

FebMama · 20/11/2022 21:40

Wow I love how common it is for partners to sleep separately - even regardless of pregnancy! I had no idea.
Definitely shifting that bit of guilt I had 😄

OP posts: