AIBU to feel this way?

[amberstonelove]

I’m no snowflake but please be gentle 🙏🏼

Hello ladies (and gents),

Im going to try and keep this short and sweet.

In a nutshell i’d like to know if I should get over this and if so, how the hell do I?

Ive been with my husband 4 years (married 8 weeks) known each other 11 years as friends. We have 2 children (1 not his).

When we first got together, we were together “official” for 3/4 months then he finished things saying he didn’t know what he wanted and if he wanted anything serious bla bla. I was heartbroken.

I found out that during the time we were “officially” together in those first few months, he had gone to his sisters wedding and chatted up her friend and attempted a kiss. That’s as far as it went. After our break up we got back together after a month or so. Things changed, we had a son and just last year he proposed and we recently got married.

I promised myself i’d get over it. After all, shortly afterwards he ended things.

Here is my problem. I clearly haven’t got over it. When I have a glass of wine all the horrid feelings come to the surface and I offload to him. We don’t argue or shout. I just keep repeating to him why was she better than me?

I just keep asking myself the same thing (glass of wine or not).

The incident happened over 4 years ago.

The feelings have surfaced again because my sister in law has asked me out for her birthday this coming weekend. The girl will be there. I want to go as his sister and I are good friends. I know it’s not the girls fault this happened but I know i’ll constantly be looking at her wondering why she was so much better that he attempted to kiss her those years ago.

We are an amazing team and great family unit and we’ve achieved great things together. He’s a great family man and I do trust him 100%. I just have this issue I can’t seem to get over.

Yes i’m very insecure. I’ve lost 7 stone the last year and I swear i’m even more insecure than ever!

Please be kind! i’ve not one else to talk to or tell me whether or not i’m being silly or if I have ever right to feel this way.

Thanks if you reached the end. xx

How did you find out? Did he tell you? Has he ever given you an explanation? Did he end it out of guilt?

Honestly, it's really shit that you keep doing this to him. Either you forgive him and move on, or you don't forgive him and you leave. It's not on to say you forgive him and then repeatedly "offload" on him.

Your options are leave or get help.

I found out because I saw a message thread on his phone to his sister asking for her number and then he decided he didn’t want it. I confronted him and he told me what happened. I know 110% nothing happened except an attempted kiss.

He ended it just because he didn’t know how he felt etc and if he wanted anything serious. I knew it was coming because I could sense it coming (him ending things)

Your husband didn't actually do anything and people are inclined to get a bit silly after a drink or two (I did as a young person). As he has been fine since, put it behind you. It's not fair to make a big deal out of a non event from years ago.

I am more concerned about your health, physical and mental. You sound so wound up and unhappy - and you've lost tons of weight. Unless someone is as big as a 'bus, they do not need to lose seven stone in a year! Please seek some professional help.

As for the girl your husband almost kissed when he was not with you, she has probably forgotten about it and is hardly likely to come on to him when you meet up, neither will he come on to her because no doubt he wishes he had been less embarrassing.

Come on you can weather this one.

Take care of yourself.

Then you do need to get over it. He wasn't sure what he wanted and he's never given you a reason to doubt him since you've got back together.

I know it’s crap. I wouldn’t want some one to eat humble pie forever. I just feel like I need someone to tell me i’m being ridiculous or not. I don’t know. He doesn’t think he cheated. I say it is. I just don’t know what to do. I 10000000% don’t want to leave at all.

Hmm I would consider that you are abusing him. You have a drink and berate him for something he did years ago, despite you choosing to marry him and have a child with him, knowing what he did.

I get you want people to ‘be gentle’ but there’s not gentle way of putting it. If you were a man saying you berated you wife for an almost kiss years ago, that you have known about for years and married her and had a child since then, people would (rightly) call it abusive. In much harder words.

If you can’t get over this on your own, you must seek professional support.

If you don't want to leave you need to get your shit together and stop treating him like this. It's unacceptable to say you forgive him and then continue punishing him. PP is right, it's abusive.

Yeah YABU. Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar. I only ask because if it’s still getting on top of you this much then seeing your GP about a counselling referral for your underlying issues would be wise.

You need to steer clear of alcohol if drinking makes you keep dragging up the past.

I think if this was really such a dealbreaker the time to have dealt with it has passed

I can understand the anger at him and the sense of betrayal at the time but you have gone on to have a child with him and married him. It’s a bit late now and also quite unfair to keep bringing this up. It’s also, in the scheme of things, pretty minor.

I think it boils down to whether you trust him overall. If trust is such a big issue overall then the marriage is dead and you should end it but not on the basis that this fairly minor issue happened years ago.

Whats your relationship like in general?

Absolutely. And consider counselling too. This is all totally irrational.

I haven’t no, but it’s a coincidence you ask this because I was searching the forum a couple of days ago for some clarity and came across a post that sounded so much like my situation that it was a bit freaky!

If you thread was “my DH brings up a kiss I had when we were not together every time he has a drink” what do you expect the responses would be?

Saying be gentle with you doesn’t get you out of being told the truth. You are emotionally abusing your husband and you need to do something about that or it should be the end of your marriage

Thank you for your reply.
I understand and what you mean. I have zero trust issues now. AT ALL.

Our relationship is really great overall we are a good team, respect each other and really have each other back with careers, goals and such.

The kiss was before you went on a break, right? You were officially together at the time still? In which case it was shitty of him and close to cheating.

However, I feel like thar one incident is not the sole source of your insecurity. Perhaps knowing that he wasn't sure of the relationship and that his doubts were strong enough to break up at that point makes you feel like you were not his first choice? Like he settled in a way but wasn't 100% into you?

I don't blame you, @amberstonelove, I think those feelings are understandable.

Was the child you have together planned and wanted by him?

I must say though, as much as I understand your feelings, now you've chosen to commit so you can't keep bringing it up and punish him for it. That's not fair. The time to decide whether you could move past was well before you married and had a baby.

Correct.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the whole not being his first choice etc and settling. That is really right!

Our baby was very much planned and wanted too ❤️

I agree with this.

In that case, try to rejoice in the knowledge that he picked you as the mother of his child and that together with the proposal show he's definitely committed and happy with you.

Yes, you might have had a rocky less than ideal start but you've grown a lot since and if he's never given you another reason to doubt him I would say your relationship sounds secure. There's plenty of couples that didn't have that fairytale fireworks type of beginning and that has absolutely no bearing on how compatible and how happy they turn out to be in the long run.

For the sake of the relationship try to keep this resentment to yourself. Taking it out on him is unfair and will only do damage and create more tension and resentment. No more drinking if that is a trigger. No more conversations around why her and not me. He wouldn't have chosen to mary you and share a child with you if he didn't think you were the one.

Please put this to bed. It's going to drive you both mad. He had a child with you, has married you, it sounds like he loves you. But you constantly bringing this past, probably drunken, incident up, could ruin you.

Thank you. I’m not unhappy. just sad. I’m a lucky girl I have everything in a non monetary way but hate myself.
I was big as a bus. I put on lots of weight after my last pregnancy and had a gastric sleeve. I went from an 18 to size 10.

I feel like I don’t know what to think at the moment .

Congratulations on your weight loss - please focus on being proud of yourself and your new healthy weight and lovely figure.
im afraid I too am of the view that your behaviour is quite emotionally abusive. If if we're a man MN would be collectively of that view point. You MUST make yourself stop and if necessary stop drinking. It's not fair on either of you

Thank you.

I have never looked at it as me being emotionally abusive. But you’re right about if the shoe was on the other foot….

It given me something to think about.

You need to let it go. You've already wasted 4 years making yourself unhappy. Whether you bang on about it or not, it's not going to change things. In fact what it will do is push him away. So do you want to be with him or not is the question, if you do you need to let it go. You can't semi forgive him because all you are doing is torturing yourself.

Did you go rooting through his phone to find the messages? If so, you don't trust him? Maybe you never will?

For goodness sake! He tried to give a girl a drunken kiss at a wedding years ago?

You need to move on. If I were him I'd have got fed up with you by now. It's ridiculous to keep banging on about it. And yes, it is abusive.