Child welfare hearing

[Usernameinvalid16]

I have received a date for a child welfare hearing for my DD. I am the main caregiver and have been for 8 years, nearly 9.

My DDs dad has applied for contact after a period of no contact this entire time period. He has applied for alternate weekends Friday 5pm - Sunday 5pm, time during the school holidays throughout the year and Christmas Day 4pm - Boxing Day 4pm. Also 2 hours on her birthday which will be hard as her birthday always falls during the school term so will be at school during the day. I do not take her out of school for her birthday and don’t plan on doing so.

I have put forward a plan of contact centre for weekly or fortnightly visits to allow them to build a bond or relationship first with reviews in place.

I do have a few questions..
What should I expect from this initial court date? We have an options hearing 10 weeks later.
Will anything be put in place that day?
My child is getting the opportunity to voice her opinion in a form F9
Will he get anything close to what he is asking for? I’m not refusing contact, I’m concerned that this will impact my daughters emotional well-being and I am concerned about her welfare.

I am in Scotland so I don’t know if things are different here. Thank you.

Literally, nobody can predict how this will go. All I can say is that what he’s asking for is not unreasonable, but equally you want to being on reasonable in suggesting that this takes place wants a relationship has been established. Hopefully this can be a really easy painless process for all of you.

Alternate weekends sounds fine. Christmas Day and Boxing Day I'd suggest alternating each year or that's a huge faff to have to do everything by 4pm and means you can't go somewhere for the day. Birthdays I'd ask them just to leave them out of the contact order altogether, the judge in our case didn't even mention birthdays.

The court will do what they see as beneficial for the child, have you had a carcass report done? Does it state or do you have evidence of him affecting your child that you can put before the court?

How old is your dd? That makes a big difference.

If I have read this right and he has had no contact at all for 8, nearly 9 years, then I think his request is totally unreasonable. Has he maintained indirect contact - regular letters, phone calls etc? If not he is effectively a stranger to your DD and your proposal to introduce contact more gradually is much more appropriate.

Why hasn’t he seen his child all this time? Make sure the social work department do background checks on him for any domestic abuse with previous partners or any criminal convictions.
what’s his motivation for contact now? Has your child ever met him? Had letter contact or phone calls even?

No she has never met him. She is nearly 9, no indirect contact all this time. No cards, letters or phonecalls.

I’m not refusing his requests but I think they are unreasonable to expect a young child to go to his home for weeks on end.

He has claimed stress kept him away all this time.

Wow is he just expecting to jump straight in with this agreement? If he cared about her at all he wouldn’t want to do this. How terrifying for a 9 year old to be sent away with a man she doesn’t know for overnight stays. He is being completely unreasonable and the very fact that he pushing for this shows he is more interested in his ‘rights’ as a father than what is best for your dd. Good luck fighting this OP.

Jesus Christ, stress! I imagine it would have been stressful raising a child on your own too... You are being admirably calm.

I think you're dead right that the important thing is to build the relationship slowly - you need help to frame this loud and clear to remind whoever is in charge that jumping from 0 - 90 is NOT in DD's best interests. So I'd be looking for a contact centre plan with a timescale to move forward.

I'd nix the Christmas plan and offer alternate Christmases and suggest that going for 'weeks' over the holidays be something that's looked at again in a couple of years time, it's too much.

In your shoes, I'd say you'd like to see evidence of sustained commitment through fortnightly contact centre visits for six months before any unsupervised visits, which would be single day only, building up to overnights in 18 - 24 months. I don't know if that's reasonable though or how to frame it as reasonable, but I would be reminding all concerned that he is a stranger to your DD.

Is it a children's panel or a court-type setting? Panel should be very good at putting child's needs first.

Well his contact plans are ridiculous then. He should be aiming to build a relationship slowly, maybe supervised contact initially in a contact centre or a trusted relative.
Id be really interested to know his background and family social workers will check this out, ie CAFFCASS.
Stress is a really poor excuse. I’d be concerned that he’s just disappear from his child’s life again.

My lawyer said that it is a private hearing, just me him and our lawyers.

I have been informed that he will be added on to her birth certificate however the rights and responsibilities will not be automatically given.

I am panicking about this but trying to remain calm for DDs sake. She is not aware of what is going on and I am not sure when I should approach this with her.

That is what I have proposed, contact in a centre where they will have evidence that he has turned up. I want proof of consistency, before I agree to unsupervised.

No she has never met him. She is nearly 9, no indirect contact all this time. No cards, letters or phonecalls.

Poor girl. She's not going to want to go and stay at a stranger's house for the weekend, he's being unreasonable expecting that. He needs to get to know her gradually and on her terms.

That seems completely reasonable, do you think your DD will want to see him?

I don’t think she will want to see him. She always talks about spending time with me at home. She is a quiet child and my worry is that she will feel uncomfortable in that situation but not feel confident enough to say to someone that she doesn’t want to be there.

I know the first meeting will be awkward and she’ll be very unsettled.

I would look at the proposal and make sure it fits with your life, eg rigid Christmas schedule could be problematic, but say you have no issue with arranging contact on a flexible year by year agreement. Her birthday, again say this needs to be dependent on whether it's a school day and whether she's having friends around/party, that you will facilitate her seeing him based on circumstances around her birthday in addition to contact.

Try to be positive, it could be a good thing?

Contact is about the child not about him. Staying overnight with a stranger is not in her best interests.

I agree he needs to prove that he can sustain contact first. Contact centre is best for this.

You don't have to agree to anything in this private meeting. You can wait for him to take it to court, he'll need to do this anyway to get on the birth certificate.

What has suddenly made him want contact with a child who is essentially a stranger to him?

i have an 8 year old and I don’t think they’d be comfortable spending time away from me with someone they don’t know. I’d sure as hell not be comfortable with it either.

There is nothing in the letter to state why he is interested in pursuing contact now just that stress is what kept him away all these years.

I do think she will be super uncomfortable with it but I will be there to support her. It will be a hard time for her and I’m ready for any questions she may have. It could be good but I do want him to be consistent and persist with it even if it doesn’t go the way he wants it too.

Right so this is a chance to sort it out before it goes to court then?

Propose a year of fortnightly contact centre visits with phone calls and let him take you to court if he's not happy with that. Any decent man will realise this is in DD's best interests and any court should interpret any refusal of those perfectly normal conditions accordingly.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/birth-certificates-and-changing-your-name-s/birth-certificates-s/

This link doesn't agree that he will 'automatically' be added.

Have you spoken to your solicitor about that or are you going on what he's telling you?

The link also makes the point that registration usually = maintenance payments...

In our last phonecall he said that is is likely that he will be added on to her BC but will not be given automatic rights, he will have to work for them.

In Scotland, you need to agree - don't take what he says as the facts. I suspect what's happened is his lawyer has said 'that's likely' which he's hearing as 'I will'. I'm actually not getting at him on that, I think we all hear what we want to hear in difficult situations. But don't take anything that comes out of his mouth as gospel.

the courts ought to put children’s welfare first, but they are bloody obsessed with how good it is for kids to see their fathers, even useless deadbeats like your ex who are total strangers to them.

I think your best bet is to feign enthusiasm for contact, but point out that since they have NEVER MET obviously they will need to build a relationship at her pace.