Child welfare hearing

[Usernameinvalid16]

I have received a date for a child welfare hearing for my DD. I am the main caregiver and have been for 8 years, nearly 9.

My DDs dad has applied for contact after a period of no contact this entire time period. He has applied for alternate weekends Friday 5pm - Sunday 5pm, time during the school holidays throughout the year and Christmas Day 4pm - Boxing Day 4pm. Also 2 hours on her birthday which will be hard as her birthday always falls during the school term so will be at school during the day. I do not take her out of school for her birthday and don’t plan on doing so.

I have put forward a plan of contact centre for weekly or fortnightly visits to allow them to build a bond or relationship first with reviews in place.

I do have a few questions..
What should I expect from this initial court date? We have an options hearing 10 weeks later.
Will anything be put in place that day?
My child is getting the opportunity to voice her opinion in a form F9
Will he get anything close to what he is asking for? I’m not refusing contact, I’m concerned that this will impact my daughters emotional well-being and I am concerned about her welfare.

I am in Scotland so I don’t know if things are different here. Thank you.

When I went to court with DDs dad he was demanding all sorts of unreasonable and unrealistic things.

I set out a plan in writing that I thought would work for DD. The court were very happy with this plan and it is what was implemented. DD was 2 at the time and we built up slower than what you may do with an older child.

Here is an outline for what I did:
Build relationship up at contact centre for 3 months. Then contact 10-2 on a Wednesday and Sunday which built up steadily until it was 8:30 - 6pm.

She then started school so moved to an EOW and a Wednesday after school arrangement. She didn't like sleeping so he would drop her off at mine Sat evening and then pick her up again Sun morning. Eventually his work hours meant contact changed to just Wednesdays and Sundays but I was flexible if he had other days off and then he moved an hour away and after school didn't work so now it's just Sundays but DD is a teen and pretty much arranges her own contact now around her own social and sporting plans and keeps in touch on WhatsApp.

Overnights not to start until she was 4 years old and had developed a good relationship with her Dad.
Mothers/Fathers day and the parents birthday is spent with the relevant parent.

Birthdays and Christmases are alternated. With Christmas contact being 12-noon Christmas eve to 12-noon Boxing day. - I work term time only so we just shifted the whole Christmas time to when Dd was at home it made very little difference that it wasn't on the day.

School holidays have always been flexible as I'm off for all of them anyway, I just tell him if we are going away. He has only taken DD to see her GParents in a different UK city so never taken her abroad etc.

Crikey he’s being utterly ridiculous! To ask for overnights etc with a child he’s never met????
surely this won’t be agreed as it is definitely not in your dd’s best interests.
I hope your more caring and sensible approach is taken up. He’s bloody lucky you’re considering anything and definitely needs to prove himself to protect your dd’s emotional health.

Remember (unless the Scottish system is different) no matter what the lawyers say and no matter how intimidating it feels they are suggestions, you don't have to do anything unless the courts say so.

I'd also be putting in my maintainence claim if you haven't already. If he wants back into her life he should be contributing towards her.

I'd put money on there being a new GF on the scene who isn't impressed he doesn't see his child.

Betting he has a new gf who is pushing for him to step up to show he is a nice man when he just isn't.. Contact centre. Doubt he will even show up.

I’m hopeful that he won’t get overnights straight away but I also think he will not be happy with my suggestion of building up to his requests.

as far as I’m aware. He has had the same GF for 8 years and has been involved with her DS the whole time.

I would point out it sends a strange message to a little girl, expecting someone she's never met to be allowed access to her as though he'd always been there.

I do have this awful feeling that my life will be scrutinised. I WFH including Saturday mornings and study full time too. I feel that he is going to paint me out as a as bad parent when all I do is try to provide a stable home life for her

Oof. I don't envy you, @Usernameinvalid16
I really hope all works out well.
My DS (a LONG time ago) finally got out of it by telling the lady at the contact centre that he didn't want to see his Dad. I'd tried everything but they were so obsessed with the idea that I was trying to keep him away that they weren't listening.
A psychologist (which I had to pay for, naturally..) told me that DS 'missed his Dad.' I said for Heaven's sake, I miss his Dad, we miss how things USED to be, & would happily turn the clock back.. they just don't get it. :-(

Presumably you've managed all this time without his input?

Has anyone raised Qs about your parenting?

I'd point out you have a happy well adjusted child that no one is concerned about entirely as a result of your efforts, and with absolutely no help from him.

Honestly, he should be walking into the meeting feeling ashamed and embarrassed, not accusatory.

Yeah, we’ve managed well so far. She’s exceeding at school and performing above average across all areas of the curriculum. She has a small list of chores to complete at home which she does no questions asked, reward chart and does a lot of reading at home.

I know I have a busy life but I try my best to provide a stable home for her.

If he complains about any aspect of your child rearing, you can simply point out that he has never even met the child in question. No Christmas, no birthdays, no holidays, nothing for 8 years. He is a complete stranger to his child.

So you've done a fab job! Hang on to that. Remember any professionals asked will agree that you've done a fab job and that your DD is well looked after. Hopefully it won't get to that point.

It might, and if it does, you have a really strong case for a slow, gradual introduction where your DD gets to know him and trust that he's reliable before she stays overnight with him- if she ever wants to.

Has your DD met her father's family at all? Just wondering how involved his parents (her GPS) have been.

You sound awesome, OP. Keep doing what you're doing.

Nope she’s never met any extended family either. It’s just been me, her and my own parents and until 2 years ago or so my partner.

Has he ever contributed financially?

By 11 what the child wants to do will be the over riding factor. He should start with letter box contact before anything else. So a year of contact centre etc will bring her closer to her feelings being the over riding factor.

At this stage I doubt any judge in their right mind would agree to what he is asking for.

If you show you are willing to discuss reasonable contact, building up based on what your dd wants, starting with supervised contact I can't see anyone disagreeing with that.

Then review in 6 months and by then you'll have a clearer idea on how your dd is coping, then negotiate from there for overnight stays.

I'd also certainly put in a claim for CMS now he's decided he wants an active role in her life. Even if you put it in savings for her.

My friend had her ex Dh push for extra contact and they were together until the child was 4 (also now 9). He has only just been given what your ex is asking for so for now I would just keep your cards close to your chest and take it one slow step at a time.

Oh and re having a busy life and looking after dd.... firstly it's amazing anyway it but surely him having nothing to do with his dd because of 'stress' looks way way worse and of course who's to say he won't become stressed again?

That’s my argument.. if the stress kept him away then how am I meant to know that the stress of having DD for overnights or weeks isn’t going to put him off?

Yes he has paid for her but not a consistent amount. CSA takes it from his wages, some months it’s £40 some months it’s £300. He also claims to want to guide and lead her through life and that he is a position to care and provide stability for her.

I don’t think I understand what this means though “in the absence of any award the defender (me) would be able to disrupt any contact”

Just sending you hugs, what and amazing DD YOU have raised, what an amazing Mum you are.

I think you need to raise the facts with your DD so she has the chance to think it through and decide what she wants.

Have you informed school so they can support her independently? Do they have some sort of worker that deals with these kind of things?

I don't know rules as such but for someone who has had NO contact at all, I'd tell the courts I whole heartedly agree to them developing a relationship building up to what he has requested.

However expecting a child to simply be happy /accepting of the situation because 'he's her dad' is totally unacceptable
Initially contact should be supervised to some point , even if that is with you meeting up in a cafe for a while and then leaving them for a short time. Court could suggest a contact centre but if there's no issue of safeguarding not sure if they will.
This is about your daughter NOT him and her views should be taken on board. Make sure you let her know she can be totally truthful in her feelings and not simply say what she thinks people are expecting from her (positive and negative - just don't try to influence her (it doesn't seem like you are))
We foster (and totally not the same situation) and one of our young people is a people pleaser so does /says what he thinks they want rather than what he actually wants.

Well be certainly hasn't been a stable feature in her life has he so that's a good foundation for you to suspend you

Posted too soon!

Your disbelief!

I'm a former Scottish family lawyer. A CWH is a private hearing involving both parties, lawyers and a sheriff. If your ex has never met his child he is dreaming if he thinks he'll get everything he's asked for. Your idea for a contact centre is likely to be what is put in place with a review several months later. Please feel free to message me privately.

Surely you can ask for him to start with indirect contact BEFORE the contact centre?