To be annoyed by his spending so close to Christmas?

[Gem123J]

I’m a bit annoyed at my husband this morning. He went out for a meal and drinks with his boss and another colleague last night which they do from time to time. But this time he paid for their meal, which he said the meal alone with no drinks was £100. Now I know £100 for a meal for 3 isn’t bad BUT he put it on his credit card which we both are responsible for paying. Also he goes on and on how there is so much on the credit card recently and we’re meant to be on a strict budget to clear the credit card so I mean, why does he think going out for a meal so close to their Christmas party is acceptable, or acceptable to be spending so much money when he always goes on about being on a tight budget!

1. his boss started this whole paying for meals business, surely it’s more acceptable for a boss to pay for meals anyway right?! She’s on much more money anyway and doesn’t have any children or anything.
2. The other colleague only paid for lunch at a cafe so obviously spent quarter of what my husband did.
3. Their Christmas party is in 2 weeks anyway!!
4. Christmas is around the corner and we have a child and lots of family members we still need to buy presents for.
5. The cost of living crisis and the fact that we are worried about things, especially mortgage rates, and the fact we have another child on the way!!
6. My husband was out from 3pm until after 10pm so he probably drank a lot knowing him so the £100 will be more like £200, but he did pay for the drinks himself and not on the credit card

so in my opinion he should have just gone out for drinks rather than a nice meal for everyone. Or just wait until the Christmas party.

We have a joint bank account which our salary goes into and all the bills come out of but we also have private accounts that we have an “allowance” each month. We do have a bit of debt so that’s why we do things this way to keep track on what we spend etc. The debt is manageable, but not ideal if unnecessary (in my opinion!) meals are being put on it! If my husband goes on so much about being strict then surely only emergency things should go on it in my opinion, and a meal is not an emergency!

I was annoyed at him this morning, I told him it was a bit stupid so close to Christmas and so close to their Christmas party anyway. He tells me to let it go and he wouldn’t be mad if I did that, but I wouldn’t do it would I because I’m being told weekly to be careful on what I buy that week as I’m being told to stick to a budget so we can put any leftover money to savings/clear our debts.

I get it. She started a habit of paying in rounds, she (you feel) has plenty of disposable income, the junior staff take lunches, and your DH is wedged into the role of a dinner payer but this exceeds his budget.

It's his ego which is leading this situation. He could tell them that your family just can't afford this but then it shatters his status as the grand provider on a par with his boss.

This. It wasn't a joint expense.

Exactly - have a pop at non mothers then????

Really the boss/employee thing doesn't come into this. It is a group of friends who go out for meals and each take their turn to pay. Your DH hasn't paid for the previous 2 meals so now was his turn. You're not really worse off (depending on the cost of the lunch) than if they had just paid individually each time.

Your issue should be with your husband spending more on meals out with friends than you can afford. Not his boss who you have no idea what her expenses look like - you do realise us single and childfree have bills to pay to and we can also have families we like to spoil at Christmas.

It is him I have the issue with. I’m annoyed at him. I just mentioned her because she started it all of a sudden. They’ve been out for meals before and just split the bill. I’m annoyed at him. I don’t understand why he’s arranging and paying for things when we’re supposed to be on a budget that he has set. Especially when he has a Christmas party coming up with them anyway.

I do realise child free people have bills too. I’m just saying we don’t have this spare money currently, because of what the budget he has set. If she wanted to pay for everyone’s meal before, that’s entirely her choice, I don’t expect her to pay for all meals, I’m annoyed at my husband for doing this so close to Christmas. Yes child free people also have family to spoil over Christmas, as do we, and we have a child so I’m annoyed at my husband for not considering this.

Finally, I’m annoyed at my husband, not his boss. Shall I change it to my husband went out for a meal with two friends and paid for them all, at a time where we don’t have any spare money because we are trying to budget, a budget that he set, to clear some debt. As well as it being Christmas next month, as well as him going out with these friends in a couple of weeks anyway for a Christmas party, as well as the cost of living crisis and our bills have gone up, as has our mortgage, and we have another child on the way which we both have been stressing about given everything else crazy that’s going on financially at the moment.

It was just the boss and your DH and he's shagging her

YANBU OP.

I would be angry about it too. Every time he reminds you to be careful about what you spend you should respond by saying you’ll do you best not to go out for £100 meal, but it’s possibly you just won’t be able to help it. Then ask when he’s going to transfer that money from his personal account.

I was waiting for a troll to appear! Hi there!

Maybe I’m the stupid one and I should do as I please instead of being so bothered about him doing it. But if I’m being asked to be careful because of the budget, then I’m going to be careful because I want us to sort out our finances. But maybe I’m the idiot, and the one getting all the grief it seems, for doing the right thing (but saying things a little wrong that people are getting hung up about and concentrating on that).

I absolutely understand your frustration, but be prepared to be called controlling on here.

Yes, it is Mumsnet of course. It is controlling but only because I’m being constantly reminded to be careful, and I don’t go anywhere! I just pop to Asda to get something nice for dessert or a magazine for our daughter or something. I’m only being annoyed about him breaking his own rules and by using our credit card which we are trying to clear, hence the tight budget he has set! But on Mumsnet I am the criminal unfortunately!

not everyone works in the private sector! I've never been able to claim back money for my/colleagues lunch in any of the jobs I've ever worked at. The only exception if you were working away, and even then you could only claim for yourself, to a max of about a tenner, and had to prove you were away from your normal place of work for more than 10 hours.

Just because it might be your norm doesn't mean it's universally applicable. Bit cheeky of you to blame OP for not explaining properly rather than you making assumptions. When I read it I interpreted it exactly as OP meant (lunch wasn't work related) because I've never known anything different.

Also he goes on and on how there is so much on the credit card recently and we’re meant to be on a strict budget to clear the credit card

The budget he set. Picking up the bill on a credit card when he’s telling me to be careful every week and all I do is pop to Asda etc.

But he said when you tackled him about it..

He tells me to let it go and he wouldn’t be mad if I did that

So he's deflecting. I suspect he's also lying given his previous attitude. Next time he says you have to be careful remind him of this. And buy something for yourself (just something very small, I'm not encouraging you to spend at his level and make Christmas even more difficult). Just to make a point.

The point is he went out with friends and picked up the tab. Right? That's the crux of it. All I can say is he must like them very much to give up family time to do that.

Or maybe he likes an excuse/reason to pretend he's single again and get out of doing any parenting. I don't mean affair, but having a night out without any responsibilities and spending money like it's his to splash around. Especially as OP says this is a regular thing.

I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t be careful. I’m suggesting you should remind him of his double standard.

I think spending loads on Xmas gifts for adults is ludicrous. It's insane during a recession. I've told the adults in my family that I'm not buying gifts for them all any more. I'm retiring in a few years and need to save for that.
Xmas spending is absurd. It means nobody can live their lives.

But he only paid for them all because they've previously taken turns and paid for him. It would not have been fair for others to take a turn at shouldering the bill and then for your husband to insist on splitting it when it was his turn.

If the budget is that tight then he needs to reduce the times he is going out. It's not OK for him to put pressure on you to maintain a strict budget and then he blows it by going out for dinner. But he did need to, at least this time, take his fair turn at paying.

Yes I understand, one way to make him realise isn’t it. Without me having to go off on one about it.

Hopefully he realised the timing’s off, and also not to keep going at me to be careful when he isn’t!

I just think if he would have arranged this after Christmas it would have been better. He definitely needs to repay the favour, but maybe it could have been at a cheaper location, a pub meal or cafe, rather than a restaurant, especially when money is tight!

Yep. This. He needs to pay it back out of his allowance and not use the cc for expenses which are not joint.

This!!

And if she's single she pays the 'single tax'.

Plus no married tax credits or child benefit.

Honestly...

So they take it on turns to pay. It was his turn.

Sorry failing to see the issue

You don't know what financial responsibilities she has. Just because she doesn't have children doesn't make her better off than you !

There will have been a lot of social pressure on him to pay for if that’s the arrangement they have, so I don’t think that’s unreasonable in general.

But did he not have enough of his own money to pay the bill? Does he recognise that paying on a joint card if he doesn’t have to is unfair?