INLAWS STAYING WITH US??

[CurlyTop1980]

To be honest I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not. But I'm fed up.

Last month we flew to DH home country and spent just over 2 weeks staying with in-laws. They are pleasant but demanding. Left loads of things for DH to do re maintenance around the house rather than getting it sorted prior to us arriving. When we stay at their house we cook, clean spend most if the day outside visiting family friends etc.

So my AIBU is DH bought them back with us for 3 weeks.I have an demanding job -social work manager which I am leaving soon. So the day job is super busy. I WFH 2/3 days a week. I've had to set up my work space in the bedroom as the room I usually use they are sleeping in. They can't do anything themselves , they wait for me to make breakfast, change the TV channel. Ask me questions constantly. Mil in particular just walks into the bedroom when im in online meetings and starts asking questions. I have twins one who plays in a football academy and as DH job is so busy ATM (he's a plumber) he's been coming home quite late and I've been coming back from work (when I'm in the office) and going straight out to take kids to activities and returning to find out no one has had dinner.

They literally sit all-day in the lounge.I said to DH if you're bringing your parents here then you need to take time off work and he thinks I am being rude as we stayed with them.To make matters worst BIL their son lives not that far away & he has been clear they can't stay there as he WFH and its not convenient.

I'm so fed up. I have another week of this....

That crazy ! Dh needs to order takeaways and take some annual leave !!!! They can’t even chance the remote ... mind blown

Get a lock for your door

Can you work somewhere else?
Or if not put a chair against the door to stop them coming in when you are on calls.
I feel a bit sorry for them tbh, your DH shouldn't have invited them if he didn't intend to spend any time with them.

Can you go and work in the office? Or at a friend's house?

Can you go into the office full time whilst they are here? That’s what I’d do

Work from the office
Get takeaways
Encourage and ask them to cooK

ASK FOR HELP

Either go to the office every day or wedge a chair under the door handle so MIL can't just barge in.
Don't let DH invite them over again unless he's arranged to be off work to entertain them.

This is going to sound brutal, but I would push away any and all requests.
"We need breakfast" - oh dear - I'm about to go into a meeting and won't be free for 2 hours, there's bread and the toaster, help yourselves! 😇
"Change the channel" - oh dear I'm so busy just now I only popped down to grab a tea in between meetings - call DH, he'll be happy to help!
Push any and all requests back onto either them or their son. You didn't invite them, no need for you to be chief host!
Set up a dinner rota - you, then DH, then them. If they don't cook (either DH or his parents) then they don't eat. Simple.
2 weeks of you visiting probable retirees, invited, is very different from them visiting 2 working people for 3 weeks.

And god yes, a lock for your bedroom door.

Make it easy for them to be more self sufficient. Show them where there breakfast things ate, how to use the microwave/toaster then leave them to it. Show them how to use your remote.

Work from the office or lock you bedroom door .

Why are you having them to stay if none of you have any time to spend with them?

Thanks. He keeps saying that I'm being rude about his parents. I can't go to the office everyday even though I want too. Be because he is not coming home early enough to take the kids to thier activities.

Tried this. It doesn't work.......😬

Go to the office but use Flexi time to finish early to take the kids to their activities? I'm in social services and this would be fine for a few days where I am.

He’ll need to start coming home earlier then or take some leave. Stop enabling this

Be because he is not coming home early enough to take the kids to thier activities.

You’re enabling his behaviour- stop it!

Tell him he needs to take the week off to attend to his parents whilst you work. It’s NOT your responsibility to drop everything for HIS parents!

Can you say that your manager has complained that you've been interrupted in a number of calls this week and does not want this to continue.

If you have to wfh then put a large Do Not Disturb sign on your door and close the door and use something to keep people from coming in.

Talk to your ILs today and explain when you are WFH you cannot be disturbed. Tell them if they need breakfast they should wake up before your DH leaves the house and ask him to make it. For dinners, I'd act as if they weren't there so you won't be disappointed, use whatever quick meals you usually cook in this situation.

Can you work from BIL house this week. Tell him that his parents are walking in on your meetings and that you have had complaints. As he isn’t with his parents you need to use a space in his house for your next working week. For the cooking can you get takeaways if the costs are ok. If not get supermarket easy cook ready meals.

I know I'm Enabling it but I don't want them to miss theor activities. I grew up with my parents working 24/7 with no out of school activities. I don't thi it's fair on the kids.

I'l try and speak to DH again when he is back home. This has to be rhe last time they come, each time this happens and I feel like he forgets

Work from the office. If your kids miss activities for 1 week it won't kill them and they can complain to their dad.

Thanks. I've been trying to do this. But the nature of my type of social work means I more than usually have strats last minute
The kids activities are all after 6 anyway.

Your husband is the rude one, spending extra time and work and expecting you to step in as skivvy.

This is going to sound mad (or bad?)....

Major fault incoming... electrical maybe. Turn off at the mains having saved your work of course. Will take three days to fix. Hotel for ILs, sorry no option, no hot water, heat, or TV, cooking etc. you know how it is...

Or some other creative problem that's outside your control. DH needs to be onside. Failing that you and kids to Hotel!

It's not easy having demanding and dependent people to stay and you have my full sympathy.

I'd look for a warm hub (people who are working use a meeting room where it's nice and quiet in our local one) or communal work space to tide you over. Be out, it's not convenient for you either. This is a DH thing.

This is a good idea - perhaps the poster could work from a hotel room for the next week, cost being a factor. Any lower cost options in her area could be great. Also a peaceful lunch break if her working hours allow this. Prepare for chaos at home but tell the PIL to call DH as your phone does not work.

OP, I feel for you.... I wonder if there are also cultural expectations on what the woman of the family is meant to do and how PILs should be treated as royalty.

You can survive the next week of course, but my concern is you are setting a precedent for your whole life and it will feel harder and harder to reset.

I think you need to be clear and direct with your DH and PILs.

"I understand that this is what you expect and this is the norm in our culture/ your family background. Give Lots of concrete examples. However, it just isn't going to work like that. I work full time so am contributing financially as well as building and caring for this family. I want a good relationship with you, when we visit each others homes. But that involves doing things in a different way. I need you to...... I will help you adapt in x ways..... I'm sorry if you find this upsetting. But if you want this to be a positive family relationships, then you need to compromise. If we carry on like this without changing, then I can't host you in future."