INLAWS STAYING WITH US??

[CurlyTop1980]

To be honest I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not. But I'm fed up.

Last month we flew to DH home country and spent just over 2 weeks staying with in-laws. They are pleasant but demanding. Left loads of things for DH to do re maintenance around the house rather than getting it sorted prior to us arriving. When we stay at their house we cook, clean spend most if the day outside visiting family friends etc.

So my AIBU is DH bought them back with us for 3 weeks.I have an demanding job -social work manager which I am leaving soon. So the day job is super busy. I WFH 2/3 days a week. I've had to set up my work space in the bedroom as the room I usually use they are sleeping in. They can't do anything themselves , they wait for me to make breakfast, change the TV channel. Ask me questions constantly. Mil in particular just walks into the bedroom when im in online meetings and starts asking questions. I have twins one who plays in a football academy and as DH job is so busy ATM (he's a plumber) he's been coming home quite late and I've been coming back from work (when I'm in the office) and going straight out to take kids to activities and returning to find out no one has had dinner.

They literally sit all-day in the lounge.I said to DH if you're bringing your parents here then you need to take time off work and he thinks I am being rude as we stayed with them.To make matters worst BIL their son lives not that far away & he has been clear they can't stay there as he WFH and its not convenient.

I'm so fed up. I have another week of this....

How come he’s lumbered you with all the looking after? If they come again, tell him he’ll need to take time off. Is your work less important than his? I’ve never known a tradesman work past 4-time for him to step up and do some parenting.

Have you tried telling his parents they have to cook dinner/pick up the kids? 3 weeks is far too long to stay with someone. Airbnb next time!

Why does your husband care so little about your career?

Get a wooden doorstop to wedge your door shut when you are in it.

Very low key and effective, with no need for dramatic new locks: they just won't be able to interrupt you when you are working.

This sounds like a cultural thing.

My PiL would never behave like this and the only people I know who have experience this kind of behaviour have married into a different culture.

It's up to your DH to stand up to his parents and stop ruining your life.

Hope he steps up to it.

I feel your pain! 😂
But what would happen if you stuck a chair behind the door/locked it so they can’t get in?
What would happen if you didn’t do their breakfast? Or happened to have an outside appointment at lunchtime? Would they just sit there and starve?
I have a MIL who used to do this to me - she never once helped with anything and expected to be waited on hand and foot… I resorted to getting up early, making a flask and my breakfast and lunch And hiding them in my “office” (wfh garage) - I put a chair in front of the door so she couldn’t get in and would just say “sorry I’m on a call!”
As she has never cooked in her life, when we were doing kids activities sometimes we’d stop and have a McD’s on the way home and when dinner was expected I’d say “oh, we’ve Already eaten!”
Some people think this might be extreme but 20+ years on, she now makes her own breakfast and lunch …
I don’t care if people think I was unreasonable but I was fed up of being a skivvy in my own home as she’s lazy! (& still is! )

In the nicest possible way, OP, it sounds as if you're not helping yourself.
Unless there's something you've not mentioned it seems not to be that "they can't do anything themselves" but that they don't want to and would rather leave it for you to do

A little more "I'm busy right now" and a little less leaping to do their bidding might help - after all the sky won't fall if they don't get their channel changed or cup of tea, and if they're that desperate they may even give it a go themselves

Lock your door and put a "Do not disturb. Meeting in progress" sign on the door.

Just because people expect you to provide food/cook for them doesn't mean you have to. They can expect what they like, it doesn't mean they're going to get it.

Personally I'd find somewhere else to work while they're staying. Could you go round to family/friends?

Thanks for all your messages
Its appreciated. We're from the same culture. DH is a workaholic & always works long hours
So that I am used too. PiL don't have a phone or anything so I can't call them. MIL can cook but at the moment she is not. I'm.gonna work out of home all week.

Good that you’ll work away from your home this week. I hope that you will get a few minutes calm if your hours allow a break.

Why can’t you stop doing stuff for your inlaws? Just cereal and toast for breakfast every single day.
be really really nice, but tell them sorry no time, it’s very busy at work.
Also say “MIL, I know you wanted to ask, but pls don’t come into the room during working hours as my boss already told me off a couple of times. Please save your questions for later. I’ll come downstairs when I’m free”

Anything just say sorry. They can fix their lunch or their son can wake up early to sort out their demands before going to work.

Your husband being generous with YOUR time is RIDICULOUS!

Omg I love this idea! But DH being trades person be would fix is straight away......

To make matters worst BIL their son lives not that far away & he has been clear they can't stay there as he WFH and its not convenient.
Excuse me while my head explodes ...

I said to DH if you're bringing your parents here then you need to take time off work and he thinks I am being rude as we stayed with them
Arrrgh it gets worse.
When you stayed with THEM, you & DH did all the work.
And now DH has made the unilateral decision to bring them home for 3 weeks - now just YOU do all the work.
It's easy for DH to take his snotty stance - what a charming way of not hearing you & shutting you down btw - because HE is not the one lumbered with them all day.

He's basically outsourced his parents' needs & entertainment to you OP.
Have you asked him why he values his own time so much more highly than your own? Why he imagines that you are a source of free labour?

That's odd.

I keep thinking he's being very rude to his wife ...

@CurlyTop1980 You have my sympathy, I'd probably be running around screaming by now.. I am impressed by @BraveGoldie advice. Maybe your in-laws are worried about overstepping by using your things, although tbf it doesn't sound like it if MIL is barging in while you're working..

I'm.gonna work out of home all week

Sounds like a good move to me; you'll probably be slagged off for "neglecting your wifely duties", but never mind eh?

This is infuriating! And as for your BIL refusing to host his own parents because he WFH ... 😬

On WFH days I'd be finding one of those shared workspaces where calls could be done in a private room.

Next time ...

Tell your husband if he invites his parents he takes time off and spends it with them. It's a shame for them to come all that way and not spend every possible moment with him, because they won't be here forever...

how to they manage when they are back at their own home,not disabled im guessing, anyone can use a toaster, boil a kettle for a cup of tea,make a ham sandwich for lunch.get a few takeaways,go a bit deaf to there demands,

You're being rude but he's not?

Because his job is the big real man job while you are just the little woman with her play job I assume. 🙄

This is infuriating! And as for your BIL refusing to host his own parents because he WFH ... 😬

@JFDIYOLO Come now let's be fair to BiL here.
They are only his own parents, & he has a perfectly satisfactory SiL who can provide what's needed, because women's jobs are not real, or valuable, or Big Important ManJobs.

Also - women just multitask, effortlessly. Emotional labour & mental load are barely noticeable to them, as they flit about, taking care of the DC & pretending to earn a living. You simply cannot expect The Menz to take care of menial issues outside of their Big Important spheres.

well fuck my old boots @IncompleteSenten how's about that for a cross-post?
x

Workaholic?

So could cut back on hióurs but doesn't want to?

What a shit husband/father he is if that's the case.

It's a doozy 😁

You said it far better btw.

I accept that the in laws sound annoying as fuck, and totally lacking self awareness, but I really do think it's a bit shit of your DH to invite them to stay for 3 weeks, and not take any time off work. It sounds like he isn't around at all. I actually feel quite sorry for them.

This is 100% is fault/problem. He needs to make this right.

This.
To add that it sounds, imho, that your dh is showing his parents how he works soooo hard to support his family and that you are doing a little job and are there to look after the home. His parents know how to make a sandwich and tea but dare not because it isn’t their home (an excuse for doing nothing). It’s good that you’re getting out of the house next week. Explain that you are working hard too. Expect to find your place in a mess but let your dh clear up whilst his parents watch.

Tell them they have to adapt to your family life or stay away. DH parents were the same, couldn't use the remote, not able to do anything because my kitchen was different from theirs etc. Once they watched the children because we wanted to go out (birthday dinner). When we came home we found that they had kept our young son up untill véry late to change channels on the TV for them. On a schoolnight + he was like 6 🤬 From then on we had the neighbours teenage children to babysit.

As this dates back to November 2022 the in-laws are probably back home now.