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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider giving up work

76 replies

Bippityboppitybo · 20/11/2022 08:00

Mainly posting for traffic but I feel so conflicted that I need advice.

Started a new job after mat leave 2 months ago. Initially really struggled to settle and fit in as I was so worried about DD who was also settling into nursery. She's now thriving and loves it.
However, every single week she is sick with something! The nursery is a plague pit! Her attendance is probably near 50% and I'm being called at work to go get her. DH works very demanding job in the city with long hours so as I'm part time and closer to nursery, all of this falls on me which I'm fine with as his salary allows us to lead the life we live.

I'm also pregnant with DD2 and will be taking mat leave next year. I had to tell new job very early due to sickness which obviously wasn't ideal and I'm not entitled to any SMP or enhancements.

So my AIBU...I've really struggled to fit in with new team, I feel like it's difficult to prove myself when I'm having to leave half way through the day to pick up sick DD and/or take various days WFH or unpaid leave to care for her. I doubt I'm even going to pass my probation as I'm pregnant, I haven't been able to prove myself so I'm probably doing terrible at the role and I've had a lot of time off or not working very productively!

Given I'll only be in work for another 5 months before I'll be off for another round of mat leave I feel so tempted to just give in.

I do really enjoy working but at the moment it just doesn't seem feasible? I feel like I'm doing multiple roles half heartedly!

I'm also considering a complete career change which will involve going back to university when DD2 is around 1 anyway so I'm partly convincing myself that slogging on for the next 6 months won't help me anyway!

Please help wise mumsnetters. Do I just slog on?

OP posts:

Jaybird43 · 20/11/2022 08:01

@Bippityboppitybo if it feels right to you, then give up - especially if it’s not something you need the money for.

lifeinthehills · 20/11/2022 08:03

If you're able to, I'd want to quit.

TumbleFryer · 20/11/2022 08:03

Your husband might be paid more but that doesn’t mean he can’t pick his child up from nursery when she is sick. If he did his fair share you probably wouldn’t be considering leaving.

Allsnotwell · 20/11/2022 08:05

Have you considered the financial impact?
If that’s not a worry then give yourself a break and hand your notice in.

LyleLanley · 20/11/2022 08:05

TumbleFryer · 20/11/2022 08:03

Your husband might be paid more but that doesn’t mean he can’t pick his child up from nursery when she is sick. If he did his fair share you probably wouldn’t be considering leaving.

If he’s working as a trader/similar in the city then yes it does

Michellebops · 20/11/2022 08:09

TumbleFryer · 20/11/2022 08:03

Your husband might be paid more but that doesn’t mean he can’t pick his child up from nursery when she is sick. If he did his fair share you probably wouldn’t be considering leaving.

That's a pretty big assumption.

Mines is an hgv driver and could be anywhere in the uk on a particular day. There's no chance he could pick up our child if sick.

Singleandproud · 20/11/2022 08:10

If you decide not to work then you need to make sue your NI contributions and contributions to a personal pension are being made to secure your future.

Personally I'd stick at it for the extra income considering the CoL crisis. Children in Nurseries always get ill a lot but when they start school their immune system is more developed and they are less likely yo be ill then when the children who have been at home will be off left, right and centre.

Original poster

Bippityboppitybo · 20/11/2022 08:12

DH is an incredible Dad and picks up slack in other areas, but when nursery is right by our house and a 20 minute drive for me, vs an hour long train for him plus commuting on each side, it's not feasible. Also, his wage is significantly more than mine so I'd rather his concentration went on his job when he's working than him feeling split across things like I do! Might not work for everyone or seem fair but it's a sacrifice I'd make for the lifestyle it provides!

OP posts:

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 20/11/2022 08:14

If you are very financially stable then yea in your shoes I’d make life easier for myself and leave work. Given you’re talking about 6 months only until next baby.

However long term it would make sense to consider, with your husband, how you share childcare more evenly in the future. Clearly many families make the choice for one parent to do more childcare if the other parent earns a lot more. However as the parent taking on the childcare in that situation I’d want to consider things like…
*Do you want to be the person picking up the majority of the childcare responsibility.
*despite limited time how does he show responsibility for childcare where he can.eg adapting work to Do even a small amount of school run etc.
*ensuring I was doing enough to keep valid career options incase of divorce etc
*ensuring I was also as financially stable as the main wage earner- eg money going into my pension/savings

Essentially I get why you would make the decision to leave work now. However long term I would want to consider how being the main carer while you partner is the main earner works for you both- practically, financially, emotionally etc

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 20/11/2022 08:16

Nursery isnt any more of a plague pit than primary school, or any other environment where lots of kids spend hours together every day circulating their germy germs. It's very normal for the first year to be riddled with coughs, colds, snot and rashes. If you don't do it now you'll do it in reception.

Do you do the kind of job where if you leave and take a few years off you'll be able to get back into a similar role/pay level? If you stay will you be entitled to mat pay that you may lose by leaving? Can you afford to live solely on your DHs salary?

2020Raquet · 20/11/2022 08:16

TumbleFryer · 20/11/2022 08:03

Your husband might be paid more but that doesn’t mean he can’t pick his child up from nursery when she is sick. If he did his fair share you probably wouldn’t be considering leaving.

This is the main blocker for women’s equality. Until it is accepted that Men have equal caring responsibilities for their children and employers understand that a man is as likely to need to leave early/take time off to care for children, women will never be able to achieve true equality.

Being a trader in the city does not absolve you of all caring obligations for your children. Employers not accepting this fact is why it’s a male dominated area.

Fireflygal · 20/11/2022 08:16

@Bippityboppitybo For your employers sake I think you should leave. It's so difficult for them, managing with your absences but probadly unable to have a conversation about your absences due to pregnancy.

In the family budget add in pension contributions as that's important. Good luck

PAFMO · 20/11/2022 08:18

If you can do it financially then you probably should as it's not fair on your employers to employ someone who clearly doesn't want to be there

PAFMO · 20/11/2022 08:19

PS- children in childcare pick up every germ going, it's very normal.

CurlyTop1980 · 20/11/2022 08:19

I think if you've only got 5 months left then stick it out at least you'll have mat leave and pay. Good luck.

TwinklingStarlight · 20/11/2022 08:20

In other circumstances I would say hold out until mat leave. The first winter at nursery is brutal but you have to go through it sometime, and having them both do it together later would mean even worse attendance then.

However if you're not clearing much salary once you've paid for nursery, and you'll get no mat leave benefits at all, I can totally see why it doesn't feel worth the fight. No one's going to give you a medal. It depends how much you value (1) those 5 pay cheques and (2) the possible right to return after your mat leave.

daisychain01 · 20/11/2022 08:22

I doubt I'm even going to pass my probation as I'm pregnant, I haven't been able to prove myself so I'm probably doing terrible at the role and I've had a lot of time off or not working very productively!

Remember that you're protected in law against them sacking you bc of pregnancy. You're having to shoulder the burden of childcare and now a second pg. Don't dismiss your DHs potential to step up, many modern workplaces do take their legal responsibilities seriously to enable fathers to do their share of the heavy lifting. Have the conversation with your DH. Don't be fobbed off - is it "I can't ...." or "I don't want to because that's wimin's work " ?

Dont give up your place in the workforce, not at least without exploring with your DH what he cans do to support you. What if something happened to your marriage, or to your DHs health, you need to think about those possibilities and have contingency for your own income, before throwing in the towel too soon.

Cut yourself some slack, don't feel you have to be the super career woman, just being there, showing you want to contribute and learn in your role is good enough. Fake it til you make it as they say!

EveryoneToHisOwnGout · 20/11/2022 08:22

TumbleFryer · 20/11/2022 08:03

Your husband might be paid more but that doesn’t mean he can’t pick his child up from nursery when she is sick. If he did his fair share you probably wouldn’t be considering leaving.

It probably does mean he can't pick his child up from nursery. On the whole, those kinds of jobs don't just allow you to trot off during the working day.

OP, I'd give up work like a shot if I were you (and did, in a similar situation, and didn't regret it for a second).

Perfect28 · 20/11/2022 08:25

So if you did quit, your child would attend nursery and your husband would work whilst you do what exactly?

QuebecBagnet · 20/11/2022 08:25

I wouldn’t leave. Because when do you plan to go back if you’re pregnant now? Things aren’t going to be any better for at least another five years. Realistically what do you think the chances are of you being able to get a decent job at your current level after a five year break? I mean it’s possible but I’ve seen numerous people I know who are still a sahm when the kids are in their 20s and left home! They tried for a bit when the kids were at primary school to get back into work and failed.

it also leaves you open to difficulties if you and your dh split up in the future. If he has all the earning capacity and you’re struggling to get a job. You only need to spend some time reading the relationships boards to see many women in such a position who ten years ago were where you are now and would never have thought their dh would leave them.

im probably being very pessimistic but personally I always wanted to make sure if the shit hit the fan I could cope on my own and for me that meant working (even if pt for a while) even when Dc were little and it was tough. Would part time be possible?

Rainbowqueeen · 20/11/2022 08:29

If DD is sick at home your DH should be staying at home with her. He should also be picking her up half the time

I think you’d find it easier to do a better job if you weren’t anticipating a call all the time.

HousePlantNeglect · 20/11/2022 08:33

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 20/11/2022 08:14

If you are very financially stable then yea in your shoes I’d make life easier for myself and leave work. Given you’re talking about 6 months only until next baby.

100%

If you become the default parent the issue you are facing now will not go away. In fact it will get worse as you make more sacrifices and he makes less, thus allowing him to progress in his career and you stagnate.

Many couples make a conscious decision to prioritise one persons career and I’m not being critical of that at all. Whatever works for each family. But just be aware of it and don’t inadvertently end up in a position you don’t want to be in.

I completely get that there are jobs out there where you actually can’t just leave to pick up a kid. But there are also a lot of men who have decided they ‘can’t’ leave work to collect a sick child. When what they really mean is ‘it’s not the done thing and will look bad’. I have a job where it’s not the done thing and so does my husband and we both just have to do it.

Twizbe · 20/11/2022 08:34

I would be talking to DH about doing his share of sick days with her. This happens when they start nursery and it's good she gets these bugs out of the way now.

FEIW DH and I both worked full time in city jobs when my eldest was small. If he was sick we alternated who took the days off. I was also pregnant at the time. I did have to work through having HFM myself when I caught it off him.

If you do give up work, keep the eldest in nursery for a couple of days. It will will really help you when baby arrives.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 20/11/2022 08:36

Perfect28 · 20/11/2022 08:25

So if you did quit, your child would attend nursery and your husband would work whilst you do what exactly?

I’m assuming a critical tone here. apologies if this was just a genuine question.

personally I’d find a ton to do if I have up work. Some to benefit my family (eg house work/long left DIY/ keeping the poorly child home a day extra than you might have if you had to return to work). Some for me (going off for a swim or a walk).

Porcinimushroom · 20/11/2022 08:36

Rainbowqueeen · 20/11/2022 08:29

If DD is sick at home your DH should be staying at home with her. He should also be picking her up half the time

I think you’d find it easier to do a better job if you weren’t anticipating a call all the time.

this is just so unrealistic. Jeapordise job that pays the bills when rhe op is likely going to give up this one, how ludicrous.

op, can I ask gently, I understand your issue, but is your heart in it?

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