To consider giving up work

[Bippityboppitybo]

Mainly posting for traffic but I feel so conflicted that I need advice.

Started a new job after mat leave 2 months ago. Initially really struggled to settle and fit in as I was so worried about DD who was also settling into nursery. She's now thriving and loves it.
However, every single week she is sick with something! The nursery is a plague pit! Her attendance is probably near 50% and I'm being called at work to go get her. DH works very demanding job in the city with long hours so as I'm part time and closer to nursery, all of this falls on me which I'm fine with as his salary allows us to lead the life we live.

I'm also pregnant with DD2 and will be taking mat leave next year. I had to tell new job very early due to sickness which obviously wasn't ideal and I'm not entitled to any SMP or enhancements.

So my AIBU...I've really struggled to fit in with new team, I feel like it's difficult to prove myself when I'm having to leave half way through the day to pick up sick DD and/or take various days WFH or unpaid leave to care for her. I doubt I'm even going to pass my probation as I'm pregnant, I haven't been able to prove myself so I'm probably doing terrible at the role and I've had a lot of time off or not working very productively!

Given I'll only be in work for another 5 months before I'll be off for another round of mat leave I feel so tempted to just give in.

I do really enjoy working but at the moment it just doesn't seem feasible? I feel like I'm doing multiple roles half heartedly!

I'm also considering a complete career change which will involve going back to university when DD2 is around 1 anyway so I'm partly convincing myself that slogging on for the next 6 months won't help me anyway!

Please help wise mumsnetters. Do I just slog on?

You should do what's best for you and your family. Your post is written as though you've already decided but I came on to post that unless a woman is independently wealthy she should never rely solely on a man. It seems like a wonderful idea until it's not. Women tying their entire survival to a man fills me with dread and yes I'm sure he's a wonderful man who'd 'never do anything to break up or hurt' his family but it still leaves me with a feeling of dread.

After quitting work in similar circumstances, no I wouldn’t do it. Took me years before I could get back to work. I also struggled so much with parenting that anything like a uni course would have been to much because I had a very difficult baby and toddler.

With hindsight I wish I had struggled through and kept my job to keep hold of that sense of self.

Give the job up.

This!!!

Oh my goodness thank you so much for the responses! Given me a lot to think about and consider!

For the person who asked what I'd do, I'm currently pregnant so I'll be on mat leave in a few months anyway. In the meantime I'd have a break! When both DD1 and DD2 are in nursery I'd use the opportunity and time to re-train via a professional/vocational qualification. But then, I dont know if that's even feasible to do with two young children and if re-training would be better when they're both school age.

I feel so conflicted though that I'm half tempted to just slog on as quitting seems so final. Will see what the end of probation review brings.

This is such good advice. I get it OP, I was in your shoes and struggled to keep my career going before eventually taking a break. The problem is that once you become the ‘default’ parent you tend to be stuck with that role - particularly as more children come along. So as long as you and your husband can talk about how this is going to work in future, you understand the implications and everyone is happy that’s great.

If you can hold on in there I would. It's not for long and you do have to go through the nursery bug stage at some point if you use a nursery. It will get better. Maybe address the issue with your line manager around having to leave for nursery pick ups upfront. Just by acknowledging it might make it easier on all concerned. I work in a team where I'm one of a small number with young children but as time has passed and I've proved myself work have become more understanding of my family commitments and its all a lesser issue now. But I do get how tough it is and my dh has very rarely left work to pick ours up too. Good luck with everything.

But the DH is entitled to leave. He is not jeopardising his job by taking it. She is jeopardising her job by taking unpaid leave.

He needs to share the load. Two kids means likely twice the time off work. Him failing to take his fair share means that she will find it even more difficult to have a career.

The OP does not say he can never wfh. Why is that not an option??

I work in the city and it's not that unusual for fathers to take time off / wfh to look after sick kids. I get that it's more practical for you to pick up your dd if you get a call from nursery but I really don't get why your DH can't do the odd day looking after your dd if she is unwell. I also wouldn't give up. Yes, you might retrain after having dd2 but you might also need a job to go back and part time local job can be like gold dust.

Why do people always say the husbands should be doing nursery pick ups etc in this situation when they have no clue if that is feasible?

I wouldn’t leave the job. Get DH to pull his weight with sharing the sick days. There are very few jobs where it would be impossible to leave to pick up a child. It might be inconvenient but not impossible. If he’s that high flying and important then it won’t jeopardise his job.

Leave. Enjoy being a mummy.

Agree, this whole scenario is unfair to the employer.

I was in a similar circumstance in terms of came back from maternity already pregnant. I stuck with it until the end but was clear with my employers that I wouldn't be returning after dd2 as the childcare would but twice what I was earning. They didn't care as I was on stat mat pay anyway which the government reimbursed them for (I think).
As it turned out, being at home with two 'little ones' for nine months got me logging back into Indeed daily! It just wasn't for me! Found a better job whilst on mat leave and went back after seven months. The second maternity leave is brutal if you have a toddler. This may be different if you intend to keep in nursery, but I couldn't afford to.
You'll know if the SAHP life is for you.
P.S: I'm lmao at you thinking you'll have time for a course when you have two under three (possibly two under two). I thought I would have time to bake bread every day.

Sorry but it’s often just not possible for somebody in a big city job to drop everything to do a pick up. These work environments are very different to most others. If your client has flown in for a critical and tense negotiation which impacts on thousands of people in their business, you really can’t just get up from the negotiation and leave. Your billable hours are examined with a microscope and there is not much wiggle room for nursery pick ups. Many city jobs expect you to be available to clients pretty much whenever they need you, thus the big salary and the expectation that child care issues are covered.

Mine were both like this in terms of illness when they started at nursery. Even with sharing leave to look after them I still got a letter about my attendance!

I would normally encourage women to try to stay in employment but it's not fair on you or your employer to have you off so much - and if you are not willing to change this then presumably it would get worse after DC2.

@HeliosPurple but no one would die right? Maybe DH should use some of his big money to pay for a nanny to pick up then baby then. Also being sick every week is quite a lot- I remember mine picking up bugs but not needing time off ever week. But we are both clinical NHS staff so probably only keep them off if they were really ill.
Another option would be that OP picks up sick child but DH makes his way back to cover his fair share allowing OP to return to work for the rest of the day.

I'm usually the last to agree with giving up work BUT in this scenario I think I would.

Assuming these parts are true -

You're legally married
You're financially comfortable on DH wage
You don't qualify for mat pay above SMP
Your family budget can afford a few £000 into a pension for YOU.

Then I would work the qualifying weeks for SMP and then hand notice in.

Sorry just seen you don't qualify for SMP, I'd look into how to get maternity allowance then.

@Hobbitfeet32 I see what you're saying but then that disrupts both of ours days because I still have to pick up DD, drive her home and then drive back to work. My day is disrupted because I still have to leave work for 2+ hrs and then chase my tail catching up.
Also nursery have strict policies with illness...they won't give calpol, 2 runny nappies and they're not allowed back for 48 hours since the last incident etc.

This

Some of the mummys living in fairy land on here are very clueless naive!

I have been there and it is rubbish feeling like you're not doing your job properly. However I did stick it out along with gradually moving to a wfh role which is now my only job. Overall I'm glad I did, even though it has been rubbish at times trying to work with kids off during lockdowns. And some years I probably made a bit of a loss on working. Being at home fulltime would be sort of 'easier' logistically but just was not for me/us at all. I know some people who are very happy SAHP though and that's great if it works for them. The juggling is tricky sometimes but overall is good for my self esteem and well being. And the salary makes a difference now we're not paying for childcare. I would also say just bear in mind that it can be much easier to go back to a job you already have than start a new one, so I would consider sticking it out if you will be eligible for returning after mat leave (not sure how that works if you haven't been there long). Would you and your husband properly appreciate your contribution to the household if you weren't working? Or would you feel 'less' because he has a big important job and you are 'just' at home? That can really cause issues over time so it's really important to properly talk about it if you are thinking of stopping work. Good luck whatever you decide!

I'd want to spend more time researching and considering the retraining options before making a decision OP. It doesn't sound like you've done much of that yet and for me, that's the biggest piece of the puzzle here. If it's a half arsed pipe dream that you've vaguely thought might be nice, that's a completely different situation to if you've already identified your potential in, worked out that you should probably have the necessary qualifications to get into it, have an idea what the practicalities look like etc.

Can you say what it is you're interested in? Posters will probably have some insight if so.

@Bippityboppitybo what is your DH job? Most of my friends are doctors and even they manage to leave work to pick up sick children. It’s very inconvenient the risk is high but if it has to be done it has to be done. Do women who work in the big city jobs not d emergency childcare for their children either?