I’m hurting because I wasn’t asked

[TheScruffyVelveteenRabbit]

I’ve NC as this could be outing and not sure if SIL is on here.

I have a brother who has four children. His wife, my SIL, has two sisters, I am my brother’s only sibling.

My brother and SIL have every right to choose and I respect their decisions but my AIBU is am I out of line to feel very hurt.

They have had each of the children christened and have 2 girls and 2 boys. The girls have 2 god mothers and 1 god father and the boys 2 god fathers and 1 god mother. They choose SIL’s sisters as god mothers twice, but I was never asked. They have friends as the others. DB and SIL and her sisters and I are all of equal levels of religion, believers and occasional attendees at church. I would take the role seriously and have been very hurt by the decision.

Just to say again, I know it’s their choice but why would they do this? I’ve never given them reason to think I’d be unsuitable.

Two of my kids god parents are dead, and they never see the others. Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t mean you can’t be involved in their lives.

I am worried about it though. I am involved in their lives and love them but feel hurt by this and it hasn’t gone away.

I agree that’s hurtful x

When you say you'd take the role seriously, what would you do?
I've not seen my god parents since the day I was baptised. For most people it's just symbolic, they wouldn't actually DO anything.

YANBU. Unless there's a backstory then it's understandably hurtful.

Do they have a dynamic where SIL's family is favoured overall? I know some people seem to have relationships where the wife's parents are the preferred grandparents, the wife's siblings are the preferred aunties/uncles, and the husband's family is expecting to fit in the background.

I get why this is hurtful given you're actually involved with church rather than as a token thing. Not sure if there is anything you can do but your feelings aren't wrong

Yes @LolaSmiles it is a little like that. SIL’s family always do seem a little favoured.

There is no backstory or any reason that they would exclude me.

I'd guess that maybe SIL is closer to her sisters than you are to your brother?

I’ve always been close to my brother. Not in a living in each other’s pocket kind of way but he has always known I love him and I’d be around if any of them ever needed anything. SIL is close to her sisters too.

That's rough I understand why you feel hurt. It must feel like they see your relationship differently to how you see it. When I had my dd exh took over most of god parent choosing he picked his sis and her husband and his cousin and her husband and I chose my sis and my bf. Maybe sil did most of choosing? Or maybe they think you wouldn't want to do it? My bf who I have known 40 years and was gp to my dd didn't choose me for either of her children.

Well this is what happens. Of course she will choose her family over her husbands. Men get absorbed into their wife's family.
I would choose my brother over my husband's sister.

This will continue to fester in your mind. The only thing you can do is to ask your brother directly - “why didn’t you ask me to be godmother?”

Once you have an answer it might give you the closure you need and will allow you to move past and salvage a relationship.

If you ignore it, it will always be at the back of your mind and you will passively withdraw from contact with them.

Just ask him. Personally I’d send a text, it makes it easier for him to frame his response etc.

You're their auntie, you don't need to stand in a church and say you'll guide them to be able to do it.

What's your relationship with your nieces and nephews like?

Do you have children? Do the godparents have children?

A lot of the choice is around knowing the children would still be brought up the way you want them to be brought up if you're not around. Maybe they're not close enough to you to know whether you could do that.

You are not being unreasonable to be hurt. That is your reaction and you're entitled to it. But I think the hurt feelings pass quicker if you try and re-frame it now. You've felt the hurt. You haven't reprimanded yourself for feeling hurt (don't) but now. Feel hurt, be kind to yourself. You WERE worthy of being asked to a God Parent but for reasons that have very little to do with your character, they chose the other side of the family basically. Convenience? Breath.

Now Re-frame.

You are now free from having to be a role model to this child.
If you forget her bd so be it.
You are free to buy her the plastic tat she wants
Without making a judgement on your brother's marriage is it possible that your SIL makes more decisions in the relationship than you brother does.

I expect SIL suggested it and your brother thought you wouldn't mind. Clearly he was wrong though. I agree about asking him.

Well this is what happens. Of course she will choose her family over her husbands.Men get absorbed into their wife's family.
I would choose my brother over my husband's sister.
I'd choose my sister over my SIL, who I love dearly, if it came to it, but it wouldn't in most circumstances because i would never expect my DH to push his family into the background.

It's awful that some many wives seem to think their husband gets absorbed into their family and it's awful so many husbands haven't got a backbone to say their family matters too.

SIL probably organised it and your brother went along with it. He's probably not thought any more about it. As a PP said, some men get absorbed into wife's family so that family is favoured.

My brother would be the same. It's rubbish.

I'm not saying the wives expect it I just think that's what happens. Maybe because women seem to take the lead with organising events, seeing family etc.
I see it everywhere, in most relationships of friends and family

It's the husband's fault of course

ps, so much experience reframing hurtful experiences

Did SIL do the majority of the organising for the christening. If so maybe her sisters were chosen because she led the choosing of GPs and chose who she is closest to?

I agree with the poster who said you need to reframe the situation. Just because you weren’t chosen doesn’t mean they don’t value or love you. Their choice isn’t a reflection on you. There could be so many reasons SILs sisters were chosen instead- could be anything as innocuous as it being the tradition in her family etc.

you can still be a great and close aunty to the children.

I would’t make this in to a bigger issue than it should be. Im not sure that asking them why would really achieve much either, unless you have a very open and truthful relationship where issues can be discussed and resolved easily (let’s be honest for many that’s not the case).

I'm not saying the wives expect it I just think that's what happens. Maybe because women seem to take the lead with organising events, seeing family etc.
I see it everywhere, in most relationships of friends and family

It's the husband's fault of course
On day to day things I can see how it's not necessarily expected, eg shall we go for Sunday lunch with my parents, but on big things it seems to be expected.

I also think it seems to be expected when you read the threads about posters being disappointed when they find they're having a boy. It's all about how the boy will grow to a man and then you lose them to their wife and her family, but you get to keep daughters for life. I often think it says a lot about how those posters probably see their husbands.

In OP's situation both her brother and SIL have made the decision to have multiple christenings as their family has grown and it's all about friends and her family. They've both been hurtful.

I can imagine this is hurtful, I don’t understand why people exclude the husbands side of the family. So much nicer to have both sides equally involved.

When I had my DC christened I made sure my DH sister was a godmother and that it was equal selection on both sides for that reason.

SIL sadly didn’t do the same, but that’s her choice.

Maybe so. I do have two boys and I kinda expect them to go into their wives families although I hope not obviously!
I'd say my husband is like this for sure although I do suggest visiting his parents and them coming to us but a lot of the time he just doesn't get round to organising it and I'm not organising everything for both sides of our family.
For the op, yes I do agree it is hurtful. I'm just not surprised.

I agree that in one of my brother’s case, he has become absorbed into SIL family and this kind of thing has happened countless times over the years. My DM has been left very hurt at times, I’ve felt hurt occasionally but as time as gone by it does hurt less, it’s to be expected now so it’s just the way it is.

I feel for you, OP and it is hurtful. If you can, I’d speak to your brother and just let him know quietly that you were hurt. Don’t then let it fester, it’ll eat you up. There might be more bumps in the road with similar scenarios along the way, knowing that the hurt will ease will make you stronger each time.

They are obviously my brother’s children as much as they are his wife’s so I don’t quite understand your point?