I’m hurting because I wasn’t asked

[TheScruffyVelveteenRabbit]

I’ve NC as this could be outing and not sure if SIL is on here.

I have a brother who has four children. His wife, my SIL, has two sisters, I am my brother’s only sibling.

My brother and SIL have every right to choose and I respect their decisions but my AIBU is am I out of line to feel very hurt.

They have had each of the children christened and have 2 girls and 2 boys. The girls have 2 god mothers and 1 god father and the boys 2 god fathers and 1 god mother. They choose SIL’s sisters as god mothers twice, but I was never asked. They have friends as the others. DB and SIL and her sisters and I are all of equal levels of religion, believers and occasional attendees at church. I would take the role seriously and have been very hurt by the decision.

Just to say again, I know it’s their choice but why would they do this? I’ve never given them reason to think I’d be unsuitable.

Ask your brother… he has the answers MN doesn’t. Explain how you’re feeling

They are his children but it doesn't work like that in reality.

Agreed. Ask your brother.

Sounds like your SIL is doing all the choosing, and your DB is letting her. Have a word with him.

That's mean of them.

Anyone choosing one family over another is obviously benefiting from that conscious choice (generally ive noticed its dither childcare or wealth on mn). Your brother isn't going to be around for you long term as you age UNLESS he benefits from it. In life people only stick with those they benefit from This is a warning sign to shore up your support network elsewhere. Your brother has chosen his.

I guess it's hurtful as they have chosen other siblings over you. It may be best to speak to your brother and simply ask why.

Fwiw we deliberately chose non family members as god parents for Dd. Two couple who were good friends of ours.

We felt that family already played a big role in our child's life and considered for parents to be extending her family further.

I get it, OP. Whilst they have every right to choose whomever they like, not being chosen can cause hurt feelings.

My sister and I were incredibly close. I was single and childless at the time and she asked my married brother and SIL to be godparents of baby 1. They lived a 4 hour flight away. She told me that she wanted married couples to be the godparents. For baby 2, despite me being the most involved relative for baby 1, she chose her close friend and the husband. Ironically, the husband cheated and that married couple are now divorced.
For baby 3, I was asked. I turned her down. By this stage I was quite happy being an involved, loving Aunty - I didn’t need the title, I didn’t need to be a third choice and I found it puzzling about why the ‘married couples’ rule no longer applied.

I say all this to say that you can be hurt by their choices, but ultimately they are free to make their choices and don’t owe you an explanation or a special title. You can feel hurt, but keep it to yourself and try to move past it.

There are a number of reasons you may not have been asked. If you really want to know, you would have to ask your brother. But here are a few suggestions:

• Does your brother even care about the christening? If, like my DH, he isn’t bothered, he may have left these decisions to SIL.
• Do they think you don’t care/don’t practice your religion as much as SIL’s family? Or are they silently judging your moral choices about god/lifestyle/marriage/living together?
• Do you actually meet the requirements of their church to be a godparent? Are you baptised/confirmed/in communion with the church/living in line with church principles?
• Reciprocity - I’m guessing they are not godparents to your children based on your OP. Are they godparents to SIL’s nieces and nephews? Do they feel obligated to reciprocate the honor?

@Kaybeeeee I deliberately didn’t choose a married couple (which turned out to be harder than I thought) because of possible divorces etc. And I figured a godparent’s partner would be a figure in DC’s life by default anyway.

It does hurt, I had something similar years ago. My brother had his two kids christened on the same day. They asked all the god parents to stand up. My other brother and all my cousin's stood up as did the sister and cousin of my SIL. I was the only one from our generation who wasnt. I just looked at my husband and mouthed WTF.
Now 15 years on guess who is now the closest to the pair of them!

YANBU, it's hurtful. Only you will know if you think it was intentional. Your SiLs family sound a bit wrapped up in each other.

Did your brother get any say? My mum didn't get to pick either of my godmothers. They're great but they're not who she would've picked. My dad "accidentally" asked his nephews wife when he asked his nephew to be godfather (as agreed) as it seemed a logical solution in the moment and my maternal grandma decided to ask her niece/mums cousin as she wanted to feel in charge of something! Neither were discussed, only my godfather was agreed and Mum's best friend and her own much loved niece didn't get a look in. Mum is still resentful!