Am I mediocre?

[Livingtothefull]

Sitting up late of an evening as I often do:

My disabled DS has kept us busy today on what is ostensibly our day off. It has been a stressful week, I haven't been well (stress related) and DH has just been working flat out.

DS has had a bad cold so we put him to bed and he slept for a couple of hours. Then he woke up and wanted to come downstairs.

I could tell by the smell that he needed cleaning, and indeed he did. Cleaning an incontinent adult is not like cleaning a baby; they produce so much more that needs cleaning. 20 minutes, two bin bags and three packs of wipes later I had finally accomplished it.

30 mins later - more shit. This time it was DH's turn, at least there are 2 of us to deal with it. One set of pyjamas and an entire set of bedclothes needing washing.

Whilst stripping the bed we realised that he had left a trail of shit all the way down the carpeted stairs (he can't walk so has to bottom shuffle down). So lots of shampooing and scrubbing needed. This is supposed to be our time off?

I dearly love my DS. But I sure as hell don't love what comes out of him. Does that make me a terrible person, less than saintly?

After DS had gone to bed it transpired that he had broken his IPad again. We have had it repaired twice and just can't afford to keep getting it done....but he relies on it for much of his entertainment at home, it gives him great joy. What to do?

Many people like to feel that we are destined for great things and scorn mediocrity. I am no exception; but I don't know how I am supposed to rise above this sort of life? After all, you can't get much more mediocre than shit.

@Livingtothefull I agree with PP's, a humbling post that doesn't warrant a TW. How do we ask for MNHQ to take the TW out? @mnhq?

Also - OP - can we help? In any way? My pragmatic problem solving brain goes straight to how could things be simplified for you. I know that's probably incredibly patronising and I really apologise if it comes across like that but it's just how I'm programmed.

You are anything but mediocre. I hate cleaning full stop, I'm sure if I absolutely had to, I could do what you do, but no one thinks that you should do it uncomplainingly or without calling attention to the grind of that part of caring for a disabled child. You are incredible. Lots of love to you. I hope you are able to relax at some point today.

What to say at work? Either "oh we just had some time chilling with the family, had a friend over for Sunday lunch" if you want to fib or "I have caring responsibilities over the weekend and my husband was working, so I just hung out with my son, looked after him, and did a bit of lifemin for myself" if you want to be more truthful. You don't have to elaborate if they start to pry and you might find at least some of your colleagues are really understanding. But it's entirely up to you.

You are absolute saints in my eyes. There is nothing mediocre about you or your life.
I am a carer for my mum, who has Alzheimer’s and also a PA for a disabled lady.
When I drop my lady off at her day centre, I look at everyone’s parents and often think to myself that these are the people society should revere. Not vacuous z list celebs but the every day people who work bloody hard 24/7 just keeping their family and loved ones a float whilst doing so under a government which has little respect or understanding of just how hard it is, every second of every day. They live in cloud cuckoo land believing that a £70 per week carers allowance is enough to keep us in any kind of decent living. It’s a joke.
It must be so tough and draining beyond belief but you’re lives are not mediocre.

I think the trigger warning is because the thread title gives no clue as to what the thread is about. Most people don't want to read about shit while eating their lunch for example.

You're not mediocre OP. It sounds impossibly difficult and I couldn't cope.

Everything is triggering to someone and IMO this thread should NOT have a trigger warning. Unless MN want to put a trigger warning on every single thread on one forum just for poor little me?!

There are a few topics that obviously should have a trigger warning if it's not clear in the title and other than that, no, this is just life. It doesn't help people with problems with day-to-day stuff to be babied with trigger warnings all over the place either, it helps their avoidance.

How the hell does this post merit a trigger warning??

OP, I have enormous respect for you. You are definitely not mediocre. You are incredible.

I miss the days when people didn't get triggered every bloody 5 minutes.

You sound absolutely amazing OP, I'm sorry that's been your weekend

I worked with very disabled adults, and so know the challenges of dealing with personal care. However, we had equipment and other staff to help, and we knew that at the end of the shift we could go home. I have great admiration for you and your husband, and all other parents of adult disabled people.

Most people don't want to read about shit while eating their lunch for example.

There's all sorts on MN. If people don't want to come across something they don't like to read while eating their lunch... don't come on MN while eating lunch! Or avoid AIBU which is very eclectic, and go on something like Telly Addicts which probably will be fairly light, (although not necessarily given IACGMOOH - do all those threads have trigger warnings on btw, what with all the creepy crawlies, strange offal, underwater tasks and so on)?

We are supposed to be adults here.

You are amazing Op.

I understand the point you make @Clymene although I do think that arguably, anyone on MN whilst eating their lunch runs the risk of stumbling on something distasteful. And surely it would be better for MN to approach me and propose a title change? I haven't received any message about this.

I do understand the need for trigger warnings for posts involving abuse, violence etc but not for something as mundane as (that word again) excrement.

Can you have the iPad attached to the wall or attached to something than can easily be moved room to room in hopes it may not get damaged as much - just trying to think of a solution

How is DS verbal communication - could a voice activated iPad work for him instead?

It is MY title & post after all....unless deemed gratuitously offensive I think they should stand.

Why do I get links to other posts I 'may be interested in' which are mostly to do with relationship problems?

Because MN are trying out a new 'feature' which is crap, and also yet another of these algorithms that could take someone down a rabbit hole. Lots of people are complaining about it so hopefully it'll disappear again soon.

I'm so sorry this has distressed you op.

@mnhq - it's clear that the trigger warning has upset the op and should not have been added without informing her. There is absolutely nothing in this post that requires a warning, and whoever complained needs to get a grip.

I used the report button to alert MN to the disapproval of the trigger warning.

My God I agree with this. We shudder at the reality of old age and disability because it reminds us we’ll be there too one day. Yet we worship the beautiful and young even though we will never be that either, or will be for a tiny amount of time at most.

You're describing my future and I'm already so worn out, my DC are still in primary school but the poo incidents are just so demoralising already.

Solidarity!

You're an angel op. I hope you manage to get some time for you.
Not sure why shit (sorry excrement!) is 'triggering' for people on Mumsnet, I don't know a single mum who hasn't dealt with at least 2-3 years of changing shitty nappies/potty training.
If it makes you feel any better toddler DD had a huge blowout yesterday and it went all inside her leggings like little poo trousers, then this morning the dog shat on the floor having decided the patio was too wet for her delicate paws...
I'd tell the truth at work.

@MNHQ please could you explain why the trigger warning to us and especially to @Livingtothefull as this is her families life she is discussing and get support about.

Hi @Livingtothefull
i'm in a similar situation with a 19yr old dd it's grinding isn't it, even my closest friends and relatives don't get what we do every day and really why should they?
unless you live it 24/7 you'll never know.
my dd has severe learning disabilities and a sleep disorder.... last night she didn't sleep at all and if she's up I have to be and then get on with the day as normal.

my car was vandalised again just because we have a blue badge and a disabled bay at the front of the house which someone thinks we don't deserve.....
But hey it's all worth it for the £68 careers allowance each week.

Youre miles away from mediocre.

Regarding the iPad, could you get any insurance for it? Put it on your house insurance?

I really feel for you two.

i’ve just read your post about residential respite. Hope you manage to sort that out soon enough.

i’m not surprised you’re stressed. It all sounds very difficult.

Agree with too, if you can make those changes.
All the best.

You are definitely not mediocre.
I always wonder about people who have outstandingly perfect children who get olympic medals, Oxbridge degrees, marry perfectly and produce more perfect offspring. Lucky for them obviously, but I don't think it reflects on them particularly yet they seem to bask in their offspring's glory. Some of us parent under far more challenging circumstances and do brilliantly with less obvious results. I suspect you are one of those.

Who is saying they are ‘triggered’