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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister has drug problem, do I tell our mum?

44 replies

Dragonfroot · 19/11/2022 23:04

Nc because outing. My younger sister (32) has just told me she has a cocaine problem. She's successful, in a high flying career, and was caught using at work. The person who caught her is a senior manager who is going to think about what needs to be done (eg. disciplinary) over the weekend. From what I understand, my sister is liked and respected at work and is talented at what she does. I also think (at least recreational) drug use in her industry isn't unusual.

I'm so shocked, this is so out of the blue, she's always been very 'together' and driven. She said she's cut down recently with the intention to stop but she's struggling with work pressures and her MH. She has a long-term partner who is currently working overseas for a month, and no kids.

Aibu to tell our mum? Mum will worry herself stupid but I think she needs to know and may be in a better position than me to support her. I've got a 20mo who is a terrible sleeper, and recently returned to full time work because I wasn't earning enough part time. Anyone have any experience of this and have any advice in general?

OP posts:
Byelaws · 19/11/2022 23:08

I would wait til next week when you know what the outcome of the work issue is going to be. There is nothing your mum can do now to change that.

Caplin · 19/11/2022 23:09

Tricky. Your sister is an adult, and in a way this should be her choice. But I also know what it is like to have a sibling who is a drug addict and Who couldn’t control that addiction.

hopefully this is the shot across the bow your sister needs and her work suggest counselling. The drugs are impacting her MH, so she needs to stop, but ultimately that is her choice.

I would suggest to her that she tells your mum. It is her story to tell.

QuiteSomeTime · 19/11/2022 23:09

hell no, why burden your mum with this?!

Radiatorvalves · 19/11/2022 23:09

Only you can know whether telling your mum would help. Might she get help from work/health insurance? Would she be willing to go to rehab?

Roundmywaythe · 19/11/2022 23:09

Absolutely not.

Roundmywaythe · 19/11/2022 23:11

Cocaine is not physically addictive so she doesn’t need rehab. Being caught is probably what’s needed to get her to stop and you’ve no right to tell your mum

Endlesssummer2022 · 19/11/2022 23:12

Your DM doesn’t need to know a thing. Why stress her out? If your DSIS has a good rep in an industry where recreational use isn’t an issue then she’ll be fine. Even if this particular manager wants rid, she’ll slip into a similar role elsewhere.

No need to create drama in the family.

Happyunhappy · 19/11/2022 23:15

No, don't stress your mum out with this. Its not your story to tell as other poster said. Plus she'll never trust you with anything else.

Spiderboy · 19/11/2022 23:15

Absolutely not. She is depending on you as her sister and all she needs right now are listening ears and support. If she wanted to tell your mother she would. If you were in a position where you’re seriously concerned about her and have nobody else to turn, then perhaps but now is not the time. It would only drive her away if you disclose this information. You’re a grown up and you can deal with this by yourself, don’t create a family drama/gossip

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/11/2022 23:17

No!

Support your sister as best you can, and over the next week talk to her about what help she needs to stop.

She may choose not to stop and just try and keep it under wraps, in which case you just have to accept that and keep an eye it doesn’t get out of control.

If you get really concerned I’d talk to her partner long before your mum. They will know her and her lifestyle much better. Your mum will just be bewildered, your sister may never forgive you, and your family may never be the same. Telling your mum is only for the total emergency intervention stage, and it sounds like your sister is a way off that.

DuplicateUserName · 19/11/2022 23:18

Eh? You're not children and your sister told you this in confidence. Why burden your mum with it?

And if you want to tell anyone, why not her DP?

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/11/2022 23:21

Of course you don’t tell your mother. Good grief she’s 32, not 15! What purpose would it serve other than worrying your poor mother stupid? Be a supportive sister and just be there for her. If she wants to tell your mum, that’s up to her.

aSofaNearYou · 19/11/2022 23:45

I would tell your mum she seems to be struggling but I wouldn't mention the drug problem, at her age it's her choice whether to tell people

Original poster
Dragonfroot · 19/11/2022 23:57

I would hate to betray her confidentiality, and won't if I can help it. Like I said, I'm worried I just don't have the capacity for this right now and she needs some solid support. I have a young DD and troubles myself; going back to work full time, plus juggling childcare, DH working a string of night shifts recently, and a poorly dog. Why does everything happen at once?!

I was thinking of contacting her partner but I don't know exactly what he knows... they've been together for nearly 5 years but I haven't really got to know him that well because they live in another city, and Covid happened. Not sure what to say to be honest.

OP posts:
ThatBliddyWoman · 20/11/2022 00:00

I wouldn't OP. I think it'd open a can of worms for your Sister and make her more stressed about the whole thing, and would cause your Mum unnecessary pain. You don't have to support her with it any more than your current capacity allows.

Dotcheck · 20/11/2022 00:02

I wouldn’t tell your mum.
I would however talk about risk of death from fentanyl cut cocaine. She could leave her children without a mother

Original poster
Dragonfroot · 20/11/2022 00:04

Dotcheck · 20/11/2022 00:02

I wouldn’t tell your mum.
I would however talk about risk of death from fentanyl cut cocaine. She could leave her children without a mother

She doesn't have any kids. It's in the OP.

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 20/11/2022 00:08

Roundmywaythe · 19/11/2022 23:11

Cocaine is not physically addictive so she doesn’t need rehab. Being caught is probably what’s needed to get her to stop and you’ve no right to tell your mum

It's not physically addictive but it's massively psychologically addictive and people do go to rehab for it although she'd probably have to self fund.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 20/11/2022 00:14

Someone who uses coke and says they reduce usage to stop in future is only kidding themselves.
Don't burden your mum, your sister is an adult who already had a lot to lose after being caught at work.
There is not a lot you can do either. Your sister has to sort her shit out for herself.
Things will play out as they will.

Roundmywaythe · 20/11/2022 00:25

Someone who uses coke and says they reduce usage to stop in future is only kidding themselves

well that’s bollocks. I used to hang out with a heavy coke taking crowd through work. We all stopped as we grew up. No-one has a problem.

RobertaFirmino · 20/11/2022 00:35

I'm an ex-addict and have been clean for over 13 years. Don't tell your DM, there is absolutely nothing she can do to help. You'll only worry her and push your DSis away.

Permanent change can only ever come from within. Until DSis has her 'lightbulb moment', any external efforts to help her change won't work.

I am happy to answer any questions you might have though. Please feel free to ask if you think it might help. Weirdly, Daniella Westbrook has just appeared on the television as I type!

SpangledShambles · 20/11/2022 00:47

RobertaFirmino · 20/11/2022 00:35

I'm an ex-addict and have been clean for over 13 years. Don't tell your DM, there is absolutely nothing she can do to help. You'll only worry her and push your DSis away.

Permanent change can only ever come from within. Until DSis has her 'lightbulb moment', any external efforts to help her change won't work.

I am happy to answer any questions you might have though. Please feel free to ask if you think it might help. Weirdly, Daniella Westbrook has just appeared on the television as I type!

This. It can only come from within. Betraying her confidence will isolate her further, deprive her of support and stress your mum, all with absolutely no good reason.

lifeinthehills · 20/11/2022 01:22

At your sister's age, she should be the one to tell your mother herself, if she wants to. Support your sister as best you can, making sure she is connected with professional resources, if she wants that.

dogmama1 · 20/11/2022 02:20

If this was my sister (who is 33) I would absolutely tell my parents/mum.
I think the fact she's shared with you is a cry for help, she's clearly not coping too well balancing addiction and MH. And regardless of age, my parents would absolutely want to know and us as sisters would absolutely value their support. Parents are a very powerful presence for most, regardless of age.
She's otherwise an adult, working in a successful field, own place. I'd say she needs some support for her emotional well-being. Mentally, somethings off.

And cocaine mixed with MH is awful. The 'come down' from euphoric drugs is quiet a dip in feelings both mentally and physically.
I'd hate to think you kept this secret and something awful were to happen.

You know your family better than any on here and every family dynamic is different.
My mum would almost expect me to tell her something of that severity, and I wouldn't think twice before doing so. I'd firstly make my sister aware, a supportive rally round - you need support and the more people you can outreach to the better type approach. If she could potentially loose her job over this too then even more so. Addiction Carrys costs. And with no income but an addiction to feed and a mood even lower than before because of said loss. Could be potentially tragic.

All too often we hear people say, I wish I did more when it's too late. Do what YOU think is right.

TwoBlondes · 20/11/2022 02:39

I've been the mum in this situation. Please don't betray your sister's confidence, it could permanently damage your relationship.

My DD was eventually persuaded to tell me herself