Sister has drug problem, do I tell our mum?

[Dragonfroot]

Nc because outing. My younger sister (32) has just told me she has a cocaine problem. She's successful, in a high flying career, and was caught using at work. The person who caught her is a senior manager who is going to think about what needs to be done (eg. disciplinary) over the weekend. From what I understand, my sister is liked and respected at work and is talented at what she does. I also think (at least recreational) drug use in her industry isn't unusual.

I'm so shocked, this is so out of the blue, she's always been very 'together' and driven. She said she's cut down recently with the intention to stop but she's struggling with work pressures and her MH. She has a long-term partner who is currently working overseas for a month, and no kids.

Aibu to tell our mum? Mum will worry herself stupid but I think she needs to know and may be in a better position than me to support her. I've got a 20mo who is a terrible sleeper, and recently returned to full time work because I wasn't earning enough part time. Anyone have any experience of this and have any advice in general?

In my experience it wasn’t until the addict was forced to confront their addiction out in the open with the family that the situation changed.

When the full truth blew open (caught at work and then dismissed, then spiralled further out of control) it was obvious we all knew little pieces of the jigsaw, and had been enabling the addict. The addict had deceived themselves and almost believed the half truths and lies that had been said to each one of us in an attempt to cover up how bad it was.

dealing with a loved one who is an addict can cause immense emotional distress and being forced to collude in the lie is painful and can push you to the edge of your sanity. I was suicidal and depressed by the time the secret was out, you have to save yourself sometimes, don’t deal with this alone.

Do not be emotionally blackmailed into keeping this secret for your sister. Your sister reached out for help and the more people who love and care for her can reach out and help her the better.

she will hate you for it at first. But if she’s been caught at work I suspect the problem is bigger than she has told you.

I would perhaps tell her she can tell your mum by x date or you will call a family
conference.

whatever happens with regards to whether this secret is kept or not, be aware that your sister more than likely is not telling you the half of it. Be watchful for signs they are manipulating loved ones for money, be aware they may turn on you because you know the truth and make up horrendous lies behind your back, in order to ostracise you from your family. This way if you do try and tell the truth then you are not believed and seen as trying to discredit them.

trust me dealing with a true addict will show how much they put addiction before EVERYTHING. Everything I just wrote happened to me, my addict found relatives who did not know about the addiction and spin a web of lies and stole their money and made them ill. Family relations have never been the same even after they found out the truth.

get this secret out now before it’s too late.

What good would it do to tell your mum? Mum would worry herself to death about it and may not keep it private. I've known parents who become overly stressed about a bit of weed so goodness knows what they would do with cocaine.

Coke is widely used recreationally and people in high powered, stressful careers are particularly prone to it (and booze). Doing it at work is a bit much but your sister has said she will address this problem. I hope she does, most people do if it appears to be getting out of hand.

Please do not betray your sister's confidence

The op has not said her sister is an addict, she has said that her sister does drugs and drink at weekends. An addict would not go all week without a fix.

This thread is a year old.

There is no benefit from telling her partner and her mum, so leave it to your sister to tell them if she wants to.

Only she can decide to give up.

Now if she continues using cocaine and then decides to have children, you would have to tell the whole world for the sake of the children.

I've been there with my brother. He was in his 40s, his kids had grown up and was holding down a job. But I knew he was using cocaine a lot. I didn't tell our mother because I knew there wasn't a thing she could do about it, apart from worry herself sick.
I doubt there's much your mum could do either. So why put that on her?
My DB ended up getting a job where they do regular drug tests, so he stopped using as quick as he started. Hopefully this scare will be enough to make your sister quit. Leave your mum out of it.

It’s not your news to share. You can encourage your sister to seek support from your mum but you can’t be the one to share.

Hell no. She’s an adult, she gets to choose who she shares her medical and emotional problems with. There are some great services out there with peer support. That’s what she needs. I’d also suggest getting a new phone number too. Dealers send out texts to tempt their clients she needs to come off their mailing list.
she’ll cope better with stress if she learns meditation and grounding techniques. Why not just send her some links and arrange for a weekly coffee meet to chat about how things are going. That’s all you really need to commit to, 30 mins in Costa or a walk round the park together. Her peer support will be much better placed because they know how it feels.

What is your intention?

It's a difficult one. I don't necessarily think you should tell your mom but it's not necessarily your problem either. I say this as someone who has supported my sister through mental health issues and relationship drama for years. We never wanted to bother my mom but the toll on me and our relationship has been enormous. As a parent myself to three children I will always want to be the one that is in a parental role, I don't expect that to pass to their siblings, it's not fair. So it's up to you whether you tell your mom, but don't offer anything more than you reasonably can - you have your own life and your own worries. She has a partner after all.

I think you should tell your mum.

Recovery has to start somewhere.

Don't wait till she hits rock bottom.
Either way it will come out. Better the loved ones are aware and can tread carefully.

Mum can know, but pretend she doesn't know till all of you form a plan action.

Experience from having been an ex-dealer and had addiction in the family.

I wouldn't. If I was in your sister's shoes I would regard it as a massive breach of confidence and I would be livid.

But she's clearly a vulnerable adult. If she is using class A's as a coping mechanism for whatever reason.

Addicts will tell them self it's for fun or a blow out but the issues deep rooted and emotional.

ZOMBIE THREAD

Your sister is an adult. It’s up to her who she wants to tell. I have kept all kinds of confidences by my siblings over the years and wouldn’t have dreamt of telling my parents. You could suggest to her she tells your mum if she wants support but there other avenues of support out there.

This thread is a year old
I suspect the OP has moved on
And boy does it prove that people don't RTFT

I wouldn't.

My sister used a lot of club drugs in her 20s. I used cannabis occasionally but wasn't particularly interested as i was happy enough with alcohol as my drug of choice. No way would I have told our mum, who was a very straight Daily Mail reader. She would have got herself in a total panic and it would not have helped.

🤦‍♀️

Oops sorry 😳