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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so greedy?

40 replies

mimi1962 · 19/11/2022 18:36

My partner has been becoming more distant after nearly three glorious years and I have given up. He was the kindest man and my soulmate.

He's been going to the pub more and more it's now 2/3 times a week, he's late 50s and goes to a complete and utter dump mixing with the regular seriously heavy drinkers. He stays there from the afternoon until he's steaming, staggering and occasionally nasty mouthed to me. I hate seeing him legless and won't stay around when he's like that. I have my own place.

I am always invited but I don't drink and have no interest in talking to people who are incoherent at 7 pm. If it's a party, family do or somewhere nice I'll go but not to the local dump. He says he only goes because the beer is cheap.

He's stopped working though he really can't afford it.

This has now been going on for several months and no amount of discussion will change it, he refuses to talk about it.

He barely drank for the first three years of our relationship and worked but we were in lockdown for a lot of it. We were like soulmates. We lived together but I've moved out and was seeing him 1 or 2 nights a week, when I said this wasn't good enough I was told I was "too greedy".

It's my fault apparently, he blames our generation gap, I'm not even three years older, I'm boring as I don't drink, I am greedy for not being satisfied with 1 or 2 nights a week.

Am I being unreasonable for thinking he's turned into an ass and preferring to be on my own that put up with this?

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 19/11/2022 18:39

Am I being unreasonable for thinking he's turned into an ass and preferring to be on my own that put up with this?

Do you honestly think people are going to say 'Yes, YABU'?

IMissVino · 19/11/2022 18:39

In what way does ‘greed’ come into it? Why do you think that’s the appropriate term?

If you’re unhappy with your relationship and your partner is unwilling to change, end it. Wanting to spend time together isn’t ‘greed’ and it’s bizarre for him to describe it as such.

UmbilicusProfundus · 19/11/2022 18:40

Time to cut your losses clearly. At least you have not wasted too much time with him

Zanatdy · 19/11/2022 18:41

Don’t waste another minute in this relationship. He won’t change

QuiteSomeTime · 19/11/2022 18:41

you had to check with mn whether or not yabu? really?

Bobbybobbins · 19/11/2022 18:42

Time to say goodbye and move on with your life.

DuplicateUserName · 19/11/2022 18:43

Why do you want to see more of this lazy piss head anyway?

Mind boggling.

Clarinet1 · 19/11/2022 18:43

I’m sorry OP but he clearly puts drinking above you and that is not the relationship you deserve. It sounds to me as though you would be much happier without him, either on your own or seeing who else is out there.

mimi1962 · 19/11/2022 18:44

IMissVino · 19/11/2022 18:39

In what way does ‘greed’ come into it? Why do you think that’s the appropriate term?

If you’re unhappy with your relationship and your partner is unwilling to change, end it. Wanting to spend time together isn’t ‘greed’ and it’s bizarre for him to describe it as such.

He said I was greedy for wanting to see him more that 1 to 2 nights a week.
That was an accusation he threw at me.

I took it that I should feel grateful that he spends that amount of time with me, I was gobsmacked that he seems to think so much of himself.

I am scared of being on my own, I did want the relationship back that we used to have but have to accept that this has gone.

OP posts:
mimi1962 · 19/11/2022 18:46

DuplicateUserName · 19/11/2022 18:43

Why do you want to see more of this lazy piss head anyway?

Mind boggling.

Just because it wasn't like this, I'd held out hope he'd change back but have had to stop deluding myself and accept the relationship I thought I had, just isn't there any more.

OP posts:
Irridescantshimmmer · 19/11/2022 18:50

You are not greedy.

It takes 2 to tango in a relationship and it"s up to you whether you stay with him.

Look at what you both bring to the r/ship and if it's off balance then put your foot down with him or you leave him.

Sounds like he made more of an effort in the past than he is doing now, and it's worth it if it's salvedgable, but only you will know that.

mimi1962 · 19/11/2022 19:08

Irridescantshimmmer · 19/11/2022 18:50

You are not greedy.

It takes 2 to tango in a relationship and it"s up to you whether you stay with him.

Look at what you both bring to the r/ship and if it's off balance then put your foot down with him or you leave him.

Sounds like he made more of an effort in the past than he is doing now, and it's worth it if it's salvedgable, but only you will know that.

He used to be a total diamond, I didn't see this coming, but I have no idea how to change it back. I think it's hopeless. I have walked before and gone back after being love bombed by him and wanted to believe the BS he was selling. But nothing changed. Just wanted to get the confidence to stay away this time.

OP posts:
Santagiveyoursackawash · 19/11/2022 19:20

Wanting a decent man isn't greedy. Needing a drink isn't a decent man. Reduce the hours spent with him to nil.

Hankunamatata · 19/11/2022 19:23

He has slipped into alcoholism. Henahs stopped working and spending his life in the pub.

You deserve better op. Mourn the relationship you had, it's long gone and move on.

mimi1962 · 19/11/2022 19:25

Santagiveyoursackawash · 19/11/2022 19:20

Wanting a decent man isn't greedy. Needing a drink isn't a decent man. Reduce the hours spent with him to nil.

I have told him that to prove I'm not greedy with his time I'll happily set him free, and it's finally over. He's saying I'm overreacting, unreasonable. I guess I've gone back before, hoping we can get back what we once had.

Just got to remain certain it's gone.

OP posts:
IMissVino · 19/11/2022 19:27

How old are you, OP? Is this an older man situation?

mimi1962 · 19/11/2022 19:34

Hankunamatata · 19/11/2022 19:23

He has slipped into alcoholism. Henahs stopped working and spending his life in the pub.

You deserve better op. Mourn the relationship you had, it's long gone and move on.

I did wonder if that's where it's gone or if he's just a heavy drinker, I guess it doesn't really matter as the end result is the same. I am second place to a bunch of drunks in a pub. It doesn't do much for the old self esteem.

OP posts:
mimi1962 · 19/11/2022 19:36

IMissVino · 19/11/2022 19:27

How old are you, OP? Is this an older man situation?

No I'm 60 he's 57, he told me on by birthday that it was the generation gap that was the problem as I was so much older. I do have the sense to think that was deliberately nasty or incredibly stupid - either way it doesn't look good for him.

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 19/11/2022 19:40

Generation gap?! Fabulous- he thinks 3 years at your stage of life is anything?!

walk away. The relationship you had is over either way. You don’t want the one on offer now. Don’t stay with him out of fear of being alone.

mimi1962 · 19/11/2022 19:49

LimeCheesecake · 19/11/2022 19:40

Generation gap?! Fabulous- he thinks 3 years at your stage of life is anything?!

walk away. The relationship you had is over either way. You don’t want the one on offer now. Don’t stay with him out of fear of being alone.

I did think it was just a way of belittling me because I'd reached 60, he was being deadly serious, he really wanted me to consider that an issue. I think it was just a way at trying to chip away at my confidence. Nasty, the age gap was the same when we met when it was amazing.

OP posts:
IMissVino · 19/11/2022 19:57

No I'm 60 he's 57, he told me on by birthday that it was the generation gap that was the problem as I was so much older.

Forgive me, but I laughed at this. He’s an arsehole. You know this.

Hankunamatata · 19/11/2022 20:08

He will start looking to you for money when his runs out. Get out now. Find someone worth spending retirement with.

BMW6 · 19/11/2022 20:11

Well however lovely he USED to be, he's now a workshy pisshead.

As for you being so much older than him - 3 years is no difference whatsoever.

Really OP this relationship is dead. I'd infinitely rather be solo than trying to drag this sorry excuse for a loving relationship along.

Walk away as fast as you can. It's so over.

FlamingBells · 19/11/2022 20:14

Dump, block and run before Christmas, don't spend another New Year's Eve with him. Life is too short to waste on an alcoholic.

girlmom21 · 19/11/2022 20:16

Did he get sacked from his job and is using alcohol as a crutch?

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