Not going to wedding due to past trauma

[gonewithtthewind]

I won't go into detail, there are only 3 people that know about what happened but the bride doesn't know but her sister does.

Someone who did lots of bad things to me when I was younger is attending this wedding. I asked the brides sister if he was going and he is, I've said I won't be able to attend if he is there. I'm not telling them to uninvite said person but I don't see how people that know what he did could be ok going knowing what he did.

Everyone is now in a mood with me and I personally don't think I'm being unreasonable in not wanting to go?! I understand about the people who don't know what happened, but not from the people that know. Am I meant to just act like it never happened? How much he damaged my life?!

Can you speak to the bride? While you don’t have to disclose what happened, it might be easier to say ‘I’d love to attend your wedding, but due to X also attending, I won’t be able to’.

Or if she isn’t accepting of that, or you don’t feel able, maybe send the happy couple a gift and card after the wedding with an apology about not being able to attend.

I think it’s really hard to judge as it depends massively on what the person actually did. If he was your teenage boyfriend and slept with your mate then yeah you kind of need to get over it. If he is your uncle who SA’d you then absolutely protect yourself, don’t go and cut contact with all the people who think you are being unreasonable.

YANBU - you've got to look after yourself. No one would want you to go if they understood how painful it would be for you.

But you may need to do some bridge-building with the bride ahead of time, so she doesn't take it personally.

Unfortunately not, I wish I could but I can't. I've pretty much been sworn to secrecy about the whole thing.

The card is a good idea, I just don't know what to say to her about why I'm not attending. I might just say I'm unwell due to pregnancy I don't know x

It is relating to SA

You don't have to go. You do what's best for you.

Sorry but... you were sworn to secrecy about abuse by whom- the person who did this to you?
You are the victim, you are under no obligation to keep their secrets!

What you need to tell the bride is that someone who abused you i attending the wedding, tell her the truth.

@InsomniacVampire not by the person but other people that know. I wish I could tell people but I can't and I've learnt to live with that. Maybe that'll change in the future I don't know

Are your remaining family relationships healthy, OP?

Not at all

You are not obliged to keep anything secret especially relating to someone who abused you OP. Do not allow fear and obligation to silence you!

OP, I'm so sorry. This is not your shame to bear or your secret to keep.
Keep yourself safe.
Those who are aware of what this person has done and are still expecting you to attend are behaving appallingly.

Just tell the bride what he did. No one can swear you to secrecy, you were a child victim and anyone trying to keep you quiet is participating in the abuse.

Agree.

If you were sworn to secrecy, that means that your abuser was never punished for what he did. He is a criminal and deserves to be punished. Whoever has made you promise never to reveal what happened is complicit in the abuse too and should be ashamed of themselves. I would tell the bride exactly why you aren’t able to attend. You owe your abuser and his/her protectors absolutely nothing.

Fuck them all and talk.
Stop keeping his secrets.
Sending love x

This.

Please seek some help to move forward with your life.
If you were a victim, obviously, you can choose to not tell anybody what happened to you if that is what you want to do, but you can not be made to protect your abuser.

Please tell the bride why you can't attend, again, if you want to.

I would agree to protect your own mental health you should stop keeping his secrets. By perpetuating this you are the bad guy in their eyes and he did nothing wrong. If your other family relationships aren't good what have you to lose by telling the bride? That way at least she might understand.

Survivors is just one of several charities you could talk to.

You CAN tell people, and you should.
It seems the abuse is going on by others protecting the abusers and trying to shut you down. Please do not remain silent, no one has a right to tell you not to speak up about what happened to YOU! People who asked you not to speak are hypocrites and should be ashamed of themselves.

You don't have to give the real reason for not attending if you don't want to. This isn't anyone else's secret - it's yours. It's up to you whether you share it or you continue to keep it quiet.

However, someone who is close enough to you to invite you to her wedding has done so. If this other guest sexually abused you, by staying quiet, you are letting this woman have hundreds of photos taken with a sexual abuser in the background of them. She's going to look back on those photos fondly, and they'll be tainted.

If you have it in you, I'd consider letting her know, so she can then make an informed decision about inviting this person to what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of her life. It's not forcing her to uninvite him - it's giving her knowledge about who she's keeping in her life.

I would also recommend contacting a charity for sexual abuse survivors as it would be really good for you to talk to someone who actually has your best interests at heart. Given the three people in your life who know are treating it as if it didn't happen, it's time to talk to a sympathetic stranger.

FWIW, I am so sorry that this happened to you, and your abuser clearly didn't get punished for what he did. You deserved better when you were younger, and you deserve better now.

It's your history to tell if you want too. I think if you tell you'll find out you're not alone, thats one of the reasons they want you to be quiet.

Big hug from me, I have a secret on my husband and counsellor knows and it's hard.

This is your choice, entirely up to you - no one else

You do not have to keep this secret - I feel like it's maybe been a weight and a burden on you for years.
If you want to tell, do so

So sorry this happened

I agree with everyone else. Anyone asking you to keep this a secret is protecting / enabling the abuser. Can you speak to the police?