Not going to wedding due to past trauma

[gonewithtthewind]

I won't go into detail, there are only 3 people that know about what happened but the bride doesn't know but her sister does.

Someone who did lots of bad things to me when I was younger is attending this wedding. I asked the brides sister if he was going and he is, I've said I won't be able to attend if he is there. I'm not telling them to uninvite said person but I don't see how people that know what he did could be ok going knowing what he did.

Everyone is now in a mood with me and I personally don't think I'm being unreasonable in not wanting to go?! I understand about the people who don't know what happened, but not from the people that know. Am I meant to just act like it never happened? How much he damaged my life?!

This is not your secret or your shame OP. Fellow abuse survivor here OP sending you support and strength. Those who told you to stay quiet are not on your side. You owe them nothing. Do what's right for you.

You are entirely not being unreasonable! I’ve been in your position, it’s horrible.
Im guessing you don’t feel able to tell the bride the truth, so just decline the invitation with a reasonable excuse, use your pregnancy if that’s an option, otherwise, another prior engagement.
As for the others who already know what happened, if they are pressuring you or giving you grief over the wedding then they are not worthy of any more of your thoughts. It’s fine to ignore them, it’s fine to say no.
You must do what is right for you - prioritise yourself and your mental well-being. It’s often hard to recognise you are worthy of care and respect when you are a survivor of something so awful, but you are! Keep telling yourself you are your priority now.
You are growing a new human, you are going to love and care for it in a way that you’ve clearly been missing out on.
Do what is right for you, you deserve it 💚

Who has made you swear to secrecy? Personally I'd be telling anyone who'd listen about him as surely there's other children in the family he could abuse if people don't know? No way YOU should be missing out because of him!

I had exactly the same situation 20 years ago.
It came down to 'do I hate him more than I love her'.
I had already, years before, taken the decision that I would not go to the police and lose her so that was clear in my mind. The only 'punishment' I could give him was to never see him again. But in this situation who was I 'punishing' - him, her, me or the relationship she and I had.
On the day, I attended the wedding, supported by two people who knew how important it was for me to avoid him. Parts were difficult but I don't regret going. But you know yourself - I don't.
Incidentally, when he died 15 years ago (after a long illness) I did not attend his funeral just in case I started to dance upon the grave. (Not really, I stayed home and looked after the bride's children, I luffs that girl).

If you were the person who was assaulted no one has any right to insist that you keep this quiet. If they do they are not on your side and it’s sod all to do with them. You are not sworn to secrecy, choose what anyone says.

Have you had counseling for the trauma you experienced? If you haven't, please consider it. If you have, consider whether or not it truly 'did its job' and if not, seek more.

I do agree that, in the end, it is your story to tell or keep to yourself. But you should make that decision after counseling to help you 'pick through' everything and put it in its proper place.

I think you've already declined the invite and now you're getting 'negativity'. This is unfortunately going to happen in the future if there are other invitations. No longer keeping the secret will take care of that. Just another thing to think about.

I fear this is a consequence of the swearing-to-secrecy bit. It's very unnatural to do that about your own 'secret', we generally only swear to not tell someone else's secret. This clearly was never about what is best for you.

It has given those people who wanted this (for their own good, not yours) power over you: you shall act like nothing has happened. The wedding upset is a continuation of that. As before they want you to act like nothing has happened. You not going to a wedding doesn't fit that. You are supposed to go to social functions as if nothing has happened. Because, as with the swearing secrecy oddness, they are not acting in your best interest.

I appreciate it's easier said than done, but you need to take back control over your own experiences and the narrative around them. Whether you share it or not, make decisions based on what is best for you.

There’s no way you should be expected to attend an event with a POS like that and smile sweetly as if it never happened. I’m upset for you that people know and are still somehow treating you as the one in the wrong. He needs to be the one being uninvited and making excuses for a lack of appearance. YANBU.

This! You are under no obligation to keep this man's secrets.

The bride may have children soon - it's in her interest to know that this person may be a danger to them.

I'm sorry about what happened to you OP. It must've been truly dreadful. I think the bottom line is to remember that your first obligation here is to protect yourself and no one is owed any explanation that results in you telling things you don't wish to.

However, please do not ever feel obligated to keep a secret here. No one else has the right to force you or manipulate you into that.

OP I’m sorry about what happened to you and about the situation you are now in. Just over 20 years ago my DF got remarried and invited one of his relatives that had SA me as a child. DF had known about the abuse for 10 years at that point. I didn’t make a fuss, went to the wedding and was even polite to my abuser when I couldn’t avoid him.

I absolutely shouldn’t have gone. It brought back so many memories and ultimately led to the breakdown of our relationship as I could never forgive my dad for putting me through it. You absolutely don’t have to go and it doesn’t matter what other people say. Make an excuse if you don’t want to tell the bride the truth but equally, don’t let others silence you if you decide to tell others about what happened.

OP, send this thread to the bride. You don't say much but the comments will steer her in the right direction.

Everybody who knows what happened and is making you keep the secret of what he did to you has facilitated his abuse. You are not obligated to keep silent to protect anybody.

You do not need to live with it.

You do not need to protect him. Ever.

Is the bride a close relative? More distant relative? Friend?

OP, send this thread to the bride. You don't say much but the comments will steer her in the right direction.

I don't think this is fair. It's not the bride's problem and OP will have thrown a bomb into her wedding and her relationship with this person. That's not going to help OP at all as everyone who knows the bride well blame OP.

The bride might need to know in time, but not in a situation connected to her wedding.

I would definitely want to know if I am inviting a child molester to my wedding (where kids may be present) and would not want a relationship with them ay any cost.

Op I'm so sorry. Don't stress yourself if your pregnant. Just don't go and say your not well if that's what you want to do xx

I think you're being really wise to think about it carefully. I went to a wedding in similar circumstances and it triggered a PTSD episode where I had to take 3 months off work and it took about a year to recover.

The next wedding that came up, I managed to engineer him being disinvited, but I also sent him a message to say that he should be uninviting himself. I got word back that he was raging and asking what he was alleged to have done and that made me feel hugely threatened - I was imagining him showing up at my work, home etc even though that was very improbable.

It's very very tricky to deal with these situations and unless you've been in a similar situation, you can't comprehend the level of threat you feel.