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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to buy my sister a Christmas present

27 replies

Lullabies2Paralyze · 19/11/2022 16:15

We’re both in our 30’s with children. I would rather just buy her child gifts and her do the same for mine.

she is awkward to buy for (never knows what she wants, takes ages to reply to messages, lives abroad so I can’t even get her an M&S voucher or something standard).

my mam is flying over to hers tomorrow and freaked out at me when I said “here’s Johns xmas presents” (child name changed). She asked where my present for sister was. I then explained what I’ve just said above but she didn’t seem pleased

my mam keeps trying to force us to have a closer relationship. I don’t see it happening. I stopped putting in the effort when it wasn’t reciprocated, and as she is older I now feel she should make more effort if she wants us to be close.

do you buy siblings xmas presents even as adults?
am I being unreasonable to not get her something? (I’m considering one of those charity gifts like gift a child an xmas dinner or something)

YABU - she is your sister, you should get gifts for each other no matter the age and whether said gift is actually wanted or ends up in charity shop

YANBU - you are both adults and as long as the kids have presents you don’t need to buy for each other if there’s nothing specific you want to gift them.

OP posts:
Outtasteamandluck · 19/11/2022 16:18

Kids is fine. Especially with the financial challenges many of us face currently.
Well done on making the first move to a change. Personally I'd rather my sister keeps her money and uses it for other important things.

Hadalifeonce · 19/11/2022 16:18

Once adults in our family have children, only the children get presents. If we happen to be together on Christmas day, novelty presents are bought for adults on a sort of secret Santa theme, only spending less than £10.

Cuddlywuddlies · 19/11/2022 16:19

We don’t do any adult gifts anymore…just kids! I think most adults these days will just buy the things they need/want themselves.
I don’t see the need to be honest.

oopsfellover · 19/11/2022 16:19

I used to buy presents for my brothers and their wives. We stopped a few years ago- my suggestion and I think everyone was relieved. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all but it’s probably a good idea to mention it to your sister & come to an agreement.

redredwineub40 · 19/11/2022 16:21

It's fine but it needs to be agreed upfront or awkward unilateral gift giving will occur

zestysparkles · 19/11/2022 16:21

I have one brother and a sister in law and I buy them gifts, they have one child. They also buy us gifts, we have no children. I wouldn't mind if they stopped buying for us but would probably continue to buy for them as I enjoy it. If you do it every year, have you not agreed in advance? Otherwise she will buy you something.

LosingTheWill2022 · 19/11/2022 16:21

We only only bought for under 18s and now all reached that age we do £10 secret Santa for everyone.

Waitingfordecember · 19/11/2022 16:23

Either way is fine but YABU not to tell her far enough in advance for her not to buy you one either.

Marigoldandivy · 19/11/2022 16:23

I love buying presents for my sisters. Won’t make any difference how old we get, it’s the best bit of Xmas.

Original poster
Lullabies2Paralyze · 19/11/2022 16:23

Yes it’s probably a good idea to let my sister know thanks 😊 (just in case she is expecting something!)

OP posts:
Remagirl · 19/11/2022 16:28

We haven't done adult gifts for a few years. I buy myself something nice every Christmas with the money I would have spent. I always donate a Christmas meal to crisis instead of cards.

Cruisebabe1 · 19/11/2022 16:32

Lullabies2Paralyze · 19/11/2022 16:15

We’re both in our 30’s with children. I would rather just buy her child gifts and her do the same for mine.

she is awkward to buy for (never knows what she wants, takes ages to reply to messages, lives abroad so I can’t even get her an M&S voucher or something standard).

my mam is flying over to hers tomorrow and freaked out at me when I said “here’s Johns xmas presents” (child name changed). She asked where my present for sister was. I then explained what I’ve just said above but she didn’t seem pleased

my mam keeps trying to force us to have a closer relationship. I don’t see it happening. I stopped putting in the effort when it wasn’t reciprocated, and as she is older I now feel she should make more effort if she wants us to be close.

do you buy siblings xmas presents even as adults?
am I being unreasonable to not get her something? (I’m considering one of those charity gifts like gift a child an xmas dinner or something)

YABU - she is your sister, you should get gifts for each other no matter the age and whether said gift is actually wanted or ends up in charity shop

YANBU - you are both adults and as long as the kids have presents you don’t need to buy for each other if there’s nothing specific you want to gift them.

Just stick to your decision- if your sister can’t be bothered to put effort into your relationship why should you? Your mum sounds like she is trying to manipulate how the family get on with each other. My family were like this , I couldn’t be bothered with them after all efforts by me were not reciprocated.

nokidshere · 19/11/2022 18:22

We stopped buying for siblings years ago when the niece/nephew count grew to 15 (I have 5 sisters). It was way too expensive for most of us. Now we don't buy at all for any families as those nieces/nephews also have about 16 children between them. So we just stick to our own family but each household buys something for mum.

NamelessTemptress01 · 19/11/2022 18:50

Just say I’m struggling what to buy you for Xmas, do you think it would be a good idea just to buy for the kids from now on

Brigante9 · 19/11/2022 18:52

Kids is ok, we stopped doing adult presents years ago.

Hbh17 · 19/11/2022 18:56

You are very sensible and not at all unreasonable.

Loachworks · 19/11/2022 18:56

Bit late this year. One of my SILs did this, including stopping buying for children in the family. She had several DC. This would have been absolutely fine but she told us on Christmas Day, ensuring we all bought for the six of them. She said she'd buy again the next year just for children then pulled the same stunt. Just one example why I'm NC with the CF.

Furrydogmum · 19/11/2022 18:56

My sister has double the number of children I do, she has always told me to spend half on each of hers, of the full accepted amount we always spent when we had the same number. I don't, but that is my choice. Once we had children we didn't buy for each other. YANBU!

Furrydogmum · 19/11/2022 18:59

BTW We do secret santa with the adults in DH family and I fucking hate it with a passion!!

sneezingpandamum · 19/11/2022 18:59

I only have one sibling and I have more children than them so yes i do buy both them and their spouse a Xmas present

I actually quite like shopping for her and thinking of things she might like - It makes a change to buying for the kids

Flutterbybudget · 19/11/2022 19:01

It really doesn’t matter what you do, providing you’re both singing from the same hymn sheet. It would be very awkward if she sent you a gift, and you hadn’t bought for her, with no warning.
In my own family, we keep gift giving to a minimum. But that’s OUR choice, reached with agreement with everyone involved.

JJ8765 · 19/11/2022 19:05

My sister lives abroad which makes sending presents ridiculously expensive. And she’s hard to buy for. We have an agreement we just do something together as a treat when we meet up in lieu of presents.

RandomPerson42 · 19/11/2022 19:10

YANBU

Buying each other presents wouldn’t make you closer.

Christmas is for kids first and foremost imho

Alexandernevermind · 28/11/2022 23:28

We haven't brought for siblings for years. I can buy my own Baileys and tins of shortbread, if I want them! We've knocked buying for the kids on the head too now, they are all teenagers and my ds said can't cope with another Lynx Africa set (that cost me £100 in reciprocal gifts). As long as its communicated its fine.

Enko · 28/11/2022 23:33

Please do let her know. My sister stopped presents too. After I had sent hers. She said we were getting toonold. My youngest was 12..

Actually I'd have liked it to continue as I get a present from my husband and 1 friend. That's was it for many years. Now the kids are older I get 1 from them too.

So have the conversation she may feel similar.