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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends friend pushing boundaries

28 replies

PeppaBaconButty · 19/11/2022 15:49

Hi all,

so I was laying in bed this morning with partner still asleep and his phone was in between us. I had that all too familiar women’s intuition that something wasn’t quite right so I did look. I was only looking at one persons conversation who I have pointed out to him clearly fancies him many times and
she had actually text him last night that she was popping into his work today (hospitality) saying “you get to see my face tomorrow ☺️“.

Now he didn’t respond to her flirtation in this text however he had told about the one little tiff we have had a few weeks back when I found out she was present at drinks he was at that he hadn’t told me about. I told him at the time I already felt uncomfortable about her and it was the fact he didn’t tell me which made me more anxious and not that she was there. Anyway he told her about this conversation in which she called me crazy and while he said he still loved me to her, he didn’t exactly shut her down.

Im very uncomfortable with her flirting and feeling comfortable enough to Bad mouth me to my own partner but AIBU to think it’s not enough that he doesn’t engage and this friendship in between the times she does this need to start being distanced? I feel very certain she is wanting to move in on him but I think he needs to actively shut it down rather than avoid it out of respect for me.

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 19/11/2022 15:53

Why be angry at her, he is taking you for a fool and why has she got his phone number. Dump the loser and text her back with s smiling thumbs up selfi.

Sciurus83 · 19/11/2022 15:54

Your boyfriend is the problem, not her. He told her about your private conversation? That is not OK. He is enjoying playing you off against each other

Batiqueattic · 19/11/2022 15:58

If my bf told a woman I was wary of that I was indeed wary of her... he'd be an ex-bf. Even if only a little bit, they are laughing at you behind your back. Nasty people. Get rid.

girlmom21 · 19/11/2022 16:01

She wouldn't be flirting with him if she knew he wasn't interested.

He flirts with other women.
You check his phone and get upset when he's out with the wrong people.

Just stop wasting your time.

Therealjudgejudy · 19/11/2022 16:05

Get rid. He clearly has no respect for you

KettrickenSmiled · 19/11/2022 16:07

Anyway he told her about this conversation in which she called me crazy and while he said he still loved me to her, he didn’t exactly shut her down.

Uh-huh.
He SAID she said.

Why did he feel the need to report her nasty conversation to you OP, I wonder?
Letting you know you have a rival, playing the "hero" with that luke-warm defence of you you were meant to buy into ... yet continuing to be frtiends with someone who calls his g/f crazy for no reason?

He's manufacturing drama, to make you play the Pick-Me Dance.
His 'friend' is already dancing.
Don't you dance for him OP.

www.chumplady.com/category/pick-me-dance/

Asking22 · 19/11/2022 16:11

His ego is probably through the roof having 2 women vying for his attention, and seemingly playing each of you off by filling her in on all your relationship issues.

Throw him back, he will destroy your self esteem with his drama.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/11/2022 16:19

Yeah it's not the 'friend's' boundary pushing you need to worry about OP - it's your b/f's.

Sorry - I know it hurts.
But he sounds a bit of a gameplaying turd, frankly.
I'm sure you'll be happier without him & his nonsense, after a short period of pain & taking good care of yourself. Flowers

PeppaBaconButty · 19/11/2022 16:32

I forgot to mention (sorry I’m ill at the moment and head is all over the place) I did wake him up to confront him. And in the heat of it I did break up with him. After a talk I have decided to stay with him which I know you all disagree with but going forward to make this work I would be justified in saying he needs to cut all contact?

I am not placing all blame on her as I know it is him allowing the advances. But right there in what I’ve said he is allowing it by not blocking. I just don’t want to be wrongly toxic in demanding he stop being friends with one woman

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/11/2022 16:34

If he wanted to cut ties with her he would.
He's already lied about her being out with him so why would you trust him even if he agreed to cut ties.

HappyHamsters · 19/11/2022 16:38

So you're happy for him and this woman to text each other, talk about you and your relationship behind your back, let her call you crazy and he doesnt defend you or tell her to ro fuck off with her opinion. I would ket them get on with it, you deserve so much better, has he eroded your self worth.

CarefreeMe · 19/11/2022 17:35

No you can’t tell him to stop being friends with this women, especially when you’ve now seen he isn’t flirting back (although I wouldn’t have said she was flirting personally).

Either accept the friendship and his behaviour or dump him.
She is not the problem here.

beastlyslumber · 19/11/2022 17:54

After a talk I have decided to stay with him which I know you all disagree with but going forward to make this work I would be justified in saying he needs to cut all contact?

Of course you're justified in letting him know your needs and boundaries.

But what's the point? He already knows he can trample all over your needs and boundaries and you'll get angry and then stay and continue to put up with it.

Get some self respect and ditch him. Or ditch him and get some self respect. Either way, ditch him.

hannonle · 19/11/2022 18:04

You sound like you don't trust him. If you did then it wouldn't matter...

Dragonsmother · 19/11/2022 18:50

He is not to be trusted. You had a conversation with him about how you felt and he told her. This is total dickhead behaviour IMO.

greaterscott · 19/11/2022 18:52

You haven't said who this woman is. A colleague/random acquaintance/friend?

Chikapu · 19/11/2022 18:56

Why carry on a relationship with someone you don't trust? You're just prolonging your own misery.

Sparklesocks · 19/11/2022 19:11

Stay with him if you’re happy be constantly on edge and feeling worried everytime her name flashes up on your phone. Personally I’d want a quieter life.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/11/2022 20:04

I just don’t want to be wrongly toxic in demanding he stop being friends with one woman

OK.

Just accept the toxicity of your b/f giving you performative descriptions of his negative conversations about you to her.

Waste a few years feeling anxious & undervalued.
It'll be grand.

Zanatdy · 19/11/2022 20:07

I really don’t agree with demanding partners block people. You either trust him or don’t. You can ask him not to discuss your private business like he did but not reasonable to make him block her. Leave if you don’t trust him

notacooldad · 19/11/2022 20:17

Your boyfriend is a rat.
Get shut.

BMW6 · 19/11/2022 20:29

Oh OP, do you really think you can have a relationship with someone who you have to Police who they are friends with, and if female and fancy him you can fend them off him?

It's not viable. A man who is trustworthy wouldn't respond to inappropriate behaviour from a friend.

You cannot MAKE him do this - it has to be within his moral code already.

You are setting yourself up for paranoia, misery and jealousy. He may even be cunt enough to enjoy the power over you, and certainly some women would like winding you up and watching you go.

Have dignity and walk away. He's not the one.

scarletisjustred · 19/11/2022 20:31

I don't think your boyfriend is loyal to you. He is holding you up to ridicule with this woman with whom he is flirting. You can't fix that with a talk. I wouldn't waste my time with him as life and youth is too short.

scarletisjustred · 10/04/2023 05:18

It would be the disloyalty and lack of respect that would do it for me. If you can't trust your partner to have your back there really isn't any point.

scarletisjustred · 10/04/2023 05:19

Oops it's an old thread. Sorry people though I wonder if she did leave.

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