To want to do secret santa with the in laws?s

[WineAndDontDine]

We do it with my family. It works great because between the 10 adults we only spend £20 (on one person). Christmas used to be very expensive even spending a small amount on a token gift for everyone.

Only issue is, DHs family like spending obscene amounts on presents for the adults. There are only 7 of us when at theirs for Christmas eve (day of present exchange) but it all adds up. Sister and aunt/uncle are child free. And either living at home or with very good job. Parents are mortgage free and definitely stashing cash in the kitchen cupboard so they have plenty of money. We aren't well off (one income, 2 children). We all had a discussion about no presents last year, turned up, and everyone had spent loads of everyone else secretly. We obviously bought nothing for anyone else and it was incredibly awkward, you could see they felt hurt we hadn't "bothered".

How do I approach this? Clearly they value the gift giving part of Xmas but we just can't afford it.

WIBU to just put my foot down and say no gifts this year and have a frank convo about it or secret santa! Or let them get on with it and just buy nothing for them? Isn't that impolite?

We all had a discussion about no presents last year, turned up, and everyone had spent loads of everyone else secretly. We obviously bought nothing for anyone else and it was incredibly awkward, you could see they felt hurt we hadn't "bothered".

What do you actually mean?

1. You all discussed you wouldn’t buy presents but despite saying that, they bought for each other anyway and you sat there whilst they swapped gifts?
2. They swapped presents for each other on a different day when you weren’t there?

You can’t make them do secret Santa if they don’t want to. You can’t stop them buying presents for each other if they want to. You can say, ‘we won’t be buying presents for anyone and please don’t buy them for us’-they can like or dislike this-that’s their call.

I don’t like doing Secret Santa.

My advice is to just give the presents you want and let them give the presents they want. Let go of the sense of obligation. If someone spend 100 pounds on a present for you, that’s their choice. It’s perfectly fine to give them a present worth 10 pounds back.

This.

Yanbu to say to in-laws we are in a tight budget so appreciate the thoughts but we won't be participating in gift giving as we only buy for DCs and each other on our limited budget and only participate in my family's secret Santa as it's a budget if twenty pounds to buy one gift secretly

We appreciate your lovely folks enjoy spending more in each other but we can't afford that so sound rather step out of that so not to disappoint

I don't do any secret Santa anymore

Our work budget secret Santa is ten pounds and you can opt in or opt out
I opted out this year as every year people are putting increasingly expensive items on their wish lists and frankly it's one more present I can't really afford and don't need to
DCs come first so do my bills and mortgage

We all discussed no presents, turned up and they had bought for everyone including us. Not fussed about them buying for each other. It feels awkward and rude when I'm being handed presents worth 100+ and give nothing in return

Even if the presents we want to give = 0? A present worth 10 for each adult would add up to 70! That's a chunk of money we can't really afford

@BlackberryCat agree with the obligation though, thank you 😊

Either they didn't really get the message last year, in which case the absence of presents when it came to the point would have driven this home.

Or, perhaps they don't give to receive - they just want the pleasure of giving you gifts with no expectation it's reciprocated - in which case, let them have this pleasure and don't feel guilty that you can't give back.

YABU for not giving gifts. I think that's really miserable. You can always give token gifts like a nice handcream, or a book, or beer, or chocolates. All of those can be cheap.

I think Christmas without gifts is miserable and joyless and I can't see the point in it.

What? What about enjoying food and drinks and music and fun with your family and watching the kids open presents?

I can't afford to heat the bloody house this year, sorry if you think my strained financial situation is miserable!

You can always give token gifts like a nice handcream, or a book, or beer, or chocolates. All of those can be cheap.

Even those will add up, though, and there's a risk of it becoming buying things for the sake of it, that people don't really want or need.

Even if the presents we want to give = 0? A present worth 10 for each adult would add up to 70! That's a chunk of money we can't really afford

I think it is fine. Would you be offended if they bought for each other and bought nothing for you? Because I wouldn't care. If you said no presents and they bought presents, then it's on them. They shouldn't get offended by that. You just need a thicker skin. But, you can't sit and sulk because they bought for each other and not you.

So, if you buy nothing and they buy for you, just smile and say thank you that's very kind.

If they don't buy for you but buy for others just smile and say that's nice.

But, stay firm and don't buy for them if you can't afford it.

Suggest the alternative of making a charitable donation instead of secret Santa. Think of those facing real struggles this year, better to do that and not have cheap tat.

For what it's worth, my coworkers often buy little presents for each other but I'm not interested, so now they just buy for each other and we are all happy with this. It may seem a bit weird but I am happy with my boundaries, I also opt out of the work Secret Santa. I'm not a Grinch about it. They can do as they like and I do as I like.

Couldn't care less if they bought for each other. In fact I love watching people opening presents, just not something we can afford to do right now.

You are right, thank you!

For years and years, I have only bought presents for people under 21. All my family seem happy with this. This is less for them to buy in return. As my children, nieces and nephews have grown up, I now only buy for the grandkids. We spend quite a lot on them. I think Martin Lewis is right, all this obligation to buy presents is a burden on a lot of people and doesn’t make a happy Christmas for them. My husband and I don’t receive presents. we are very happy with this and this doesn’t stop us enjoying Christmas. We will also be giving some extra Christmas food to the food bank.

Stop trying to control what everyone else does. They like doing presents. YJust tell them that you can't afford presents for everyone this year so won't be doing it. If they then get you presents anyway, say a nice thank you.

Or if you prefer, you could make something - home made biscuits or fudge or something

Great idea, I am savvy in the kitchen

I think you shouldn't feel you have to keep up with them, and saying you'd like to opt out of giving and please don't give to us because I feel terribly guilty is fine.

Trying to insist they do a Secret Santa because you want to when there's 7 other adults involved is not your choice. My cousin's family had one person decide that, and he thinks it's miserable. They all pick one person and then that person tells them exactly what they want (down to catalogue number) and then they buy that. They know exactly what's in that one present.
So realistically they might as well all agree they'll buy something for themselves. The price of the one present has also gone steadily up so actually they're spending way more than they would if they'd put a limit of £10 a person.

My cousin has now opted out and says he'll buy a token present for all, and they get him something similar back. I have a suspicion that most of the others would also like to do that (they certainly don't sing it's praises), but know if they opt out then most if not all of the others will follow, so it'll cause hassle as SS with only one left in doesn't work! And the one left in will make a huge fuss about no one doing what they want.

YANBU
Concentrate on your DC. Things are so difficult this year, even Martin Lewis said stop the madness!
I would repeat the message by text now that you can't afford to give and don't want gifts this year... if they ignore this, don't feel guilty or awkward as they didn't listen to you

You’re not unreasonable to say no gifts. You have left it rather late though now.

I think you should make them gifts and wrap them beautifully. Here are some ideas that I have used in the past:
Crochet little soap bags and put a soap in each one. 1 ball of crochet cotton = £3 and makes about a dozen bags! Soap can be as cheap or expensive as you like.
Cook something sweet - toffee, or chocolate truffles. £5 will make enough for everyone.
Jam in old glass jars with a pretty fabric cover on lid (no sewing!) I made Rowan Jelly one year. It looking amazing, and cost practically nothing.
Charity shop finds - our local ones often have single crystal vases/ glasses/ dishes. Wash in dishwasher to make them sparkle and fill with coloured sweets or pot-pourri.
Scented bath salt - buy a HUGE bag of bath salt from Tk Maxx or supermarket (£5), spread out on a tray and sprinkle with your favourite essential oil (£5). put in old jam jars and cover with pretty paper or fabric. If you don't have any bits of fabric lying around, a good source is charity shops (again) - by a couple of scarves or pillowcases, wash them and cut them up.
I made some delicious Christmas Gin one year by pouring a bottle of cheap gin over a bag of dried fruit, soaking it for 2 weeks, and then straining and decanting into smaller bottles which I then hand-labelled. You do have to have small bottle to decant into though! I had saved them up during the year.

Go on - give it a try! You can probably think up all sorts of ideas for yourself once you get started!

You’re not unreasonable to state what you plan to do and stick to it. You would be unreasonable to dictate what the others do though. It does seem quite late to be having the conversation as by now many people will have started their Xmas shopping but maybe that’s not the case with this group.

Honestly, I wouldn't faff about making random homemade stuff no one really wants. Just message saying "Looking forward to seeing you all at Christmas. We're not planning to do adult presents this year so please don't feel you should buy us anything. Can't wait for a Pictionary rematch though! [or whatever it is you all like to do at Christmas] Love from WADD and Mr WADD xxx"