To want to do secret santa with the in laws?s

[WineAndDontDine]

We do it with my family. It works great because between the 10 adults we only spend £20 (on one person). Christmas used to be very expensive even spending a small amount on a token gift for everyone.

Only issue is, DHs family like spending obscene amounts on presents for the adults. There are only 7 of us when at theirs for Christmas eve (day of present exchange) but it all adds up. Sister and aunt/uncle are child free. And either living at home or with very good job. Parents are mortgage free and definitely stashing cash in the kitchen cupboard so they have plenty of money. We aren't well off (one income, 2 children). We all had a discussion about no presents last year, turned up, and everyone had spent loads of everyone else secretly. We obviously bought nothing for anyone else and it was incredibly awkward, you could see they felt hurt we hadn't "bothered".

How do I approach this? Clearly they value the gift giving part of Xmas but we just can't afford it.

WIBU to just put my foot down and say no gifts this year and have a frank convo about it or secret santa! Or let them get on with it and just buy nothing for them? Isn't that impolite?

I love those ideas - thank you so much for taking the time to write them out. 😁

Concentrate on your DC. Things are so difficult this year, even Martin Lewis said stop the madness!

Totally off topic, but can you imagine spending Christmas with Martin Lewis? I'd be so nervous!

😂😂

"This Morrisons turkey is delicious mum but 3 different supermarkets were selling them cheaper per kg if purchased between 2nd November and 13th December"

I’d rather have no gift than random cheap handcream bought as a token, tbh. Christmas has plenty of joy in it if you’re a joyful person, it doesn’t have to be the relentless exchange of tat that, say, my MIL enjoys.

OP, I came to say YABU based on the title because who WANTS to do secret Santa with in laws when there’s the option to do nothing, then saw the actual situation. Any awkwardness caused by them reneging on the “no gifts” agreement is caused by them, not you. The only trouble with secret Santa with them, I think, is that you’ll stick to the rules in terms of person and price, and they’ll carry on buying expensive gifts for everyone and making you feel awkward.

I specifically wasn't talking about that. A D decent handcream is a lovely thing to have if you use handcream and not expensive.
I was trying you suggest cheap items that could also be thoughtful and based on a person's likes. Gifts don't need to be expensive to be lovely.
I didn't suggest handmade because that's usually pricey and takes time, but OP seems to like that idea so that's another option.

I know some people just aren't into gifts, but those of us who are (because of our love language not because of materialism) get very hurt by being given nothing, but would welcome a thoughtful cheap gift. Personally I'm very pleased with a vegan chocolate bar, or a secondhand book someone knew I'd enjoy reading. It's about the thought. There's no thought in giving nothing.

@zurala

As you say yourself, it's very dependent on the person.

I love giving & receiving presents. I have often spent way too much on gifts, that others don't really expect or appreciate.

I really don't like getting cheap pointless gifts. Something meaningful that I'll use is great, and it doesn't have to be expensive but appreciating that is hard to get right, I am equally happy to get nothing & spend time with someone instead.

Baked stuff is great; I also love baking & giving to people. But the list of homemade gifts from another PP eg h/m bath salts. I'd hate any of that.

I suppose it's about knowing the recipient!

OP, you are not UR at all not to buy gifts, and your DH needs to explain it to your ILs

I think it’s really awful of your in-laws. You had a conversation last year, and they clearly haven’t listened. Stick to your guns. They are clearly very well off, and you are struggling. Just remind them again that you will not be buying any gifts again this year. If you want to make some homemade sweets or biscuits do that, but honestly, families up and down the country are really feeling the pinch, and your in-laws need to be more understanding, and not get the hump because you haven’t bothered. I would be very cross indeed with that reaction..

Nailed it

😂

I would take one box of chocolates or similar that all those present can share. I would thank them politely for any gifts that I and DC receive. I think people are aware how tight things can be for young families in a normal year and much worse this year. If you have told them you won't be giving presents, then any presents they give to you, will be giving them pleasure, not because they expect one back.

Yes, but in this situation the family clearly do appreciate and expect gifts, so OP would be unreasonable to get them nothing. A small gift each of £5 or less would cost £35. Christmas is not a surprise event so surely £35 can be budgeted?

What part of “can’t afford it” do you not understand?