To be really pissed off about DP smoking

[Thelangoliers]

DP and I have been together about 4 years, have a young DC. Both used to be smokers, both gave up when trying to get pregnant.

DP usually has a few smokes when on a night out with friends, it’s once in a blue moon and I don’t really have an issue with it, sometimes I’d he has cigarettes left over he’ll have one at night after DC is in bed until the pack is finished.

my request is that if he’s going to do this then it needs to be when I’m in the house in case DC wakes as I don’t want them being exposed to second hand smoke. He agreed.

The last few weeks I have smelled smoke on him a few times (I have a sense of smell like a bloodhound when it comes to smoke) even when he’s washed and brushed teeth. A few times have been when he’s been in charge of DC (although when they’re napping, never when they’re awake as far as I know) and when I call him out on it he flat out denies out for ages until it becomes clear I’m not going to drop it then he admits it and says it won’t happen again.
I don’t want to sound judgemental but smoking is a big deal for me, I don’t want DC brought up around it or having a parent that smokes, but the fact he’s lying to me about it continuously is really making me question him, am I being unreasonable to be so annoyed about this?

I'm not saying smoking is a good thing but in this scenario what jumps out at me is your attitude towards him about it. Others might well disagree with me but this bothered me more than the odd cigarette.

How do you mean?

I smell ciggy smoke occasionally when there is none. Usually after I had some and stopped again. Lasts for few weeks.

You do seem rather controlling over it. You know he smokes and knew it when you embarked on a relationship and decided to have a child.

He is lying because you are making a huge deal about it.

You need to accept if he wants to smoke then he is going to smoke.

But it wasn't a big deal you getting with a smoker. You're being controlling. Just because you've given up doesn't mean you can force him too.

I mean because your attitude is coming across as controlling and this is worse than your DP having the odd cigarette imo.

You're being weird and controlling

You don't really get to control what he does I'm afraid. You don't get to decide that your kids don't have a smoking parent. Even if this is a deal breaker for you and your relationship is over, he's still their dad and can smoke all he wants.

If you've quit smoking and start up again, there is usually a reason. Is he having a tough time? Been under pressure or stressed?

If you split and the dc went to him for contact, he could smoke as much as he wanted to and you wouldn't be able to stop it. I agree it's not great and my ex dp smokes, but it's not something you can control unfortunately.

Very controlling.

Just to add, I met DH when we were both smokers and I've gradually given up (unless I've had a few wines)

Thank you everyone, I actually genuinely didn’t see it as me being controlling, I wasn’t trying to force him to stop smoking, I just wanted his word that he wouldn’t do it during the day when there’s a risk of DC being exposed to second hand smoke, he gave me his word then keeps on breaking it and lying to me about it, so yeah I’m annoyed about that and I’ve given him a hard time about it, maybe I’ve dealt with it badly though.

I suspect many of the posters are smokers.

Threads with smoking in the title tend to be a magnet for them.

You know he smokes and knew it when you embarked on a relationship and decided to have a child.

Ah the MN reading comprehension standard ....

She said they both gave up when they were TTC.

So she didn't actually choose to have a child with a smoker.

He's slipped back and she's tolerated it as long as it was away from the child. It's now not really away from the child.

Op I've tried to have two relationships and x house share with smokers who were "giving up" ..... They all ended.

It seems to be more addictive than come, and while some people can be unselfish smokers, many "cannot".

*more addictive than coke

YABU, because on one hand you're an anti smoker, but on the other, you are tolerating smoking, but only on your terms.
Either smoking is a deal breaker, which would be understandable, or it isn't.
What you're doing here is appointing yourself the boss of what level of smoking is ok regarding DC and policing your rather arbitrary rules.
I mean this kindly, because its an easy trap to fall into, but people who set rules and monitor their partners compliance in this way almost always end up being lied to.
I think you need to decide whether you can deal with having a partner who smokes and go from there.

The risk of second and even 3rd hand smoke to children and babies is horrendous. If it was me I'd be sitting him down and reminding of your boundaries and the risks to your children and if that didn't work I'd consider if I wanted to be with someone who disrespected me.

You can do nothing about it. An addict will lie if you press them. I know, my husband did this then had a massive heart attack at 45. So bloody pointless.

I can't believe how many people are calling you controlling because you want to protect your child from cigarettes and secondnhand smoke. This place is mental sometimes. Op l totally agree with you and it would give me the serious ick and l am laid back with most things.

Yabu and a bit controlling and ott tbh. I mean come on all of our baby photos from the 80s and 90s everyone was sat there with a fag on. Not saying we should go back to that but your kids will be absolutely fine realistically.

Second hand smoking would be him smoking in the same room as them. I assume he’s smoking outside? Then you mention him having brushed his teeth and washed - how much actual risk is there to them from that?

okay well some above are being quite dramatic - he's smoking tobacco, not shooting up heroin. however if you had to quit for fertility reasons, its unfair of him to be doing it on the sly.

I think the risks of second hand smoke are really under appreciated sometimes. I've seen patients with serious lung problems like copd/lung cancer etc who have never smoked in their lives but lived with a smoker.
My partner was a smoker but stopped before I moved in with him and since has had an occasional one or two on a night out or when he's been away but he has told me about it after. I think I would also be v annoyed if he were to lie to me about it especially now I'm pregnant. I would be even more annoyed if he were to do that once the baby is here considering the risks to the baby