To ask what made you negative - if you are!!

[FruitTwistandShake]

Had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day over a bottle of wine. We were looking at MN posts (mainly the AIBU) ones and a few of my responses made her ask me why I was so much more negative than I used to be. It really made me think. I used to be glass half full, saw the best in everyone and every situation but now my first reaction to things is usually negative.

I think it stems from being unbelievably hurt in my first relationship that lasted 9 years. I don't think I ever quite felt the same again. Also I have a very negative and paranoid DM and I think over the years it has rubbed off on me.

With that being said I am challenging myself to be a little more 'joyful' and react in slightly nicer/better ways. I hadn't mentioned it to my family but my DH told me last night that he really saw a positive change in me.

Well this got me interested in reasons why people are negative...I thought maybe a post on MN would be more enlightening and cheaper than counselling and I could maybe learn something about myself!

I think it's down to my parenting. My dad is a very negative person and I guess it rubbed off on me. I try not to be but it's my natural state of mind.

Life!!

Negative people made me negative

Like you I was always very positive and happy (still am, to a degree). What happened to change that? - humans, we’re an abomination. Selfish and cruel. I guess also social media, as before that I never knew how bad things were.

My childhood was incredibly negative - my parents really ground me down.

The so-called happiest days of my life were anything but. Now as an adult everything from work to money has added to the pile. It is a vicious circle but if reprogramming your thoughts was easy pills and psychiatry would be a rarity.

@greaterscott I think it definitely plays a big role. My sisters always say I am like my mum...I always thought they meant resilient, but I actually think they mean negative and grouchy ha ha

Wow agree with you all about the 'people' thing. I was just reminded about a time I was threatened in a supermarket by a man who was very obviously high! I had a 2 month old and was attempting to venture out on my own with her after a horrible c-section. Well apparently he had let me pass and I hadn't acknowledged it (in my sleep deprived state) and he was very aggressive. Not one person came to me or my babies aid. I think that took a bit away from me on that day.

People make me negative.

Not knowing how they'll be one minute to the next, one minute a friend, the next a stranger then a friend again. Really made me think "f this" and treat people how they treat me.

Only thing I'm very positive about is my DC these days.

I just don’t trust people anymore after some bad experiences. I really resent my abusive parents for gaslighting me so much that I have learned to completely ignore my intuition over the years. That’s why I’m being extra careful, or maybe you can indeed call it negative. Truth is, I like it, it keeps me safe and an added bonus is that I don’t have to force myself to be someone that I’m not. I avoid risks and strangers if I can and I no longer deny that’s what feels right to me because it’s not what the cool girls do.

I was a happy optimistic person until two and half years ago. I don't think I was naive but I tried to see the best in people. That changed. I reported a safeguarding concern and my whole life collapsed in the space of four weeks. I had the perpetrator threaten me physically, the management panicking and trying to share the blame around and cynically trying to cover stuff up. I realised how totally self interested and shallow people can be.

I suffered bullying, leaving my job, someone vandalised my car, could not prove who (but I know) father demented and starting to kick and hit me in his frustration, no help from local authority despite knowing how it works, moved house.

People and things I had trusted just proved to be totally untrustworthy.

It makes me sad, I would rather have not witnessed this other side to people. Up until then I trusted people and I had empathy for others. Now I just pretend to care when really I just feel numb and cynical.

It’s hard to pin point a certain factor that made me a bit more pessimistic!
I mean right now with the current situation with cost of living, lockdowns etc can make anyone down
Getting hurt by friends or partners in the past

My year has been quite hard due to miscarriages. I’m currently pregnant again but always thinking something will go wrong.

Negative family members or people around us can make us negative too

Some of these posts are really resonating with me and breaking my heart at the same time. I hate it when people say 'it doesn't cost anything to be kind' because actually it does. I constantly see being rejected, hurt, attacked etc... when they are just trying to be kind. Again it reminds me of when I tried to help out a school mum that I knew was struggling. She was really grateful but her mum accosted me in the school playground and told me not to treat her child like a charity.

@MiniTheMinx I am so sorry that happened to you, you were being an advocate for someone who couldn't advocate for themselves, and you were vilified for it. This makes my blood boil.

@MRSDoos from my own experience I know how hard it is to stay calm when you have been through miscarriage. I really hope it all works out for you. I have had 10 pregnancies and have 2 DDs. So I am here supporting you in this weird MN world!

For the others who are mainly saying 'People' you really are helping me to break down some quite traumatic experiences. I once tried to help a homeless person with some food and he threw the hot coffee in my face....I think I am starting to see how many reasons I actually have to be negative!! I also agree with one of the responses where you said it was a protection thing...I don't have many close friends but I think that is because I refuse to keep being hurt.

My parents died very suddenly in my twenties.
I've been trying to get my life back together ever since.
Mental health never do anything they say they will.
I've been depressed again since September and just can't see any liquid in the glass, never mind whether it's half full or empty.
It probably makes me pull fewer punches than I would in a good month.
I used to post on MN to be supportive and ignore the stupidity. Now I seem to get sucked in by it.

I once tried to help a homeless person with some food and he threw the hot coffee in my face
Jesus what a twat. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I was talking to someone earlier who said that negativity/acerbic/confrontational communication styles are usually "defensive patterns of speech".

For me it was realising that I pour every spare drop of time and energy into my friends because I am without family and believed the chosen family myth but that was a one way street.

post pandemic I am a lot more negative about people and their intentions.

Between being dropped by my ‘chosen family’ and realising just how many people believe their desire to breathe all over you trumps your desire not to be breathed over I guess I just realised that telling myself that on the whole people are nice was just to make me feel better and not based on evidence.

I had an abusive childhood, I had so much hope that life would be amazing when I got out of that situation.

Sadly I had my son at age 18 and he died a few months later.

That was followed by an abusive marriage, and the death of my daughter.

I've never been truly happy. I cope by always preparing for the worst case scenario in anything. I don't bother with people too much because I don't want to get close to anyone, I cant go through any more hurt.

Life has beaten me down.

DM is incredibly negative though, sibling often comments to me about things DM has said. I’m starting to sound more and more like her…and the moaning older woman in work!

Undiagnosed autism. I thought I was broken for years until I finally got a diagnosis at the age of 32. My life then seemed to make a lot of sense.

Same 😭😂

I'm probably not "negative", but people would probably kindly say I was "tough and resilient" and harshly "cold and remote". I was just thinking the other day something happened and probably 5 years ago I would have been in tears and I was very matter of fact "this is rubbish, but crying won't help". For me its:

• Been married for 10 years to someone who has very low emotional intelligence. If I say about how hard I'm finding something they have often walked out the room. I use to get upset and try and explain and it made no difference. So I got use to not saying anything, because there was no point. Learnt to bury my feelings.

• Had a disabled child. Again I use to get very angry and upset and cry on doctors and would get comments like "are you anxious?". The only way I could cope was again to try and be very calm in every appointment. I literally would give myself a pep talk in the car and go in. It has helped and I find it has enabled me to advocate for my child more effectively and get treatments etc.

• Having little help from close family when things have been hard - again learning to cope on my own.

• Being in a high paid but stressful job. Would love to leave, but can't for financial reasons. So again learnt to bury my feelings and just get on with it.

I think for me it started with breast cancer at age 46, I had a sort of PTSD afterwards, and it did change me. Then I was doing ok ish and trying to become more positve - until the pandemic struck!
Add in the appaliling behaviour of our politicians, the way they squandered money on usless systems, broke their own rules, dished out contracts to friends companies that were never going to deliver. It all made me so furious and so cynical.
The state the Country is in now it's incredibly hard to be positive - well it is for me.

Until recently I have always been a positive person but recent personal events and false accusations from people I once loved have absolutely destroyed me. I feel negative and I know I moan.
I'm trying really hard to get back to being that positive person but it's a struggle and people are cunts.

This raw and honest sharing is really eye-opening. I am constantly told by friends that I have so much to be thankful for - but I also have so much unresolved trauma. You are all really brave to share and I hope this thread has not made any of you feel worse.

We are not alone no matter how hard it may feel!

I am also a little apprehensive about someone coming and being negative about a thread about being negative!!

I don't think Ive ever been a particularly positive person. My mother isn't and that's definitely rubbed off. Individually, I'm naturally cynical. I have been in abusive relationships over the years and I think I have an overdeveloped sentiment of "expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed".

As I'm getting older I find myself in a more complicated place, fighting with my own personality. On one hand, within the last 12 months, I have started volunteering with an organisation that requires monthly attendance at meetings and regular weekend conferences. Not something I enjoy necessarily but I did feel it was essential for me to learn to be more social and to develop that life skill of communicating with people!

Conversely, I no longer force myself into other situations if it doesn't suit me.
Been invited to a family event and need to deal with someone who I'm not particularly fond of? No thanks.
Hosting Xmas Dinner because I feel I ought to as I haven't done it for a while? No thanks.
Going to gym classes that I hate but feel I ought to because I pay so much for the bloody membership? No thanks!

I'm nearly 40 now and very much in a place of "Like me or lump it".