To not think it's ok to excuse aggressive behaviour because of special needs

[BelleMarionette]

I have two autistic children, who are not aggressive. In fact, their disability makes them more vulnerable to aggression and bullying from others.

I have seen more than once though, that they have been attacked, and when the parent of the attacking child is found, they say 'Its ok, they are autistic'

AIBU to think this is not an excuse? If a child is known to be aggressive, then it's all the more reason for parents to supervise and manage there behaviour carefully, rather than excusing it.

I have seen these parents unwilling to correct their child when they are aggressive, or even supervise or remove them from the play area so they don't attack again.

I completely understand how difficult it can be to raise a child with additional needs, but this lack of parental boundaries and supervision, together with facilitating bad behaviour seems completely unacceptable.

It's for this reason that I do not take my children to special needs groups anymore, as they deserve to be safe. They are gentle and don't even hit back. I have had to work on their assertiveness, that it's ok for them to say 'stop' and to move away and speak to an adult.

It's not okay for any child to be aggressive or violent and parents who don't manage that behaviour (in a way that is appropriate to their child's age and stage of development) are doing their child a disservice.

Autism, or another disability, may be a contributing factor in how a child reacts to a specific situation/experience/trigger but, as you say, the parents should be managing that. We all get caught out sometimes and our children will do something unexpected, that's just kids, but it should still be acted upon (again, in a way appropriate to age/development).

I'm on the fence with "correcting the behaviour". I don't performatively parent and I wouldn't make a show of telling me child off there and then just to satisfy the other parent but that's because I know it can be a trigger for my DC. If my DC has gotten angry at someone or has hit then its because they're at their limit and they've gotten overwhelmed for whatever reason (it's rare that this would happen as over the years I've learned to read their signals and step in well before that happens). If I was to tell them off there and then, it would likely push them into a full meltdown which is going to be distressing for everyone involved, particularly my child. My most likely course of action would be to take them out so they can calm down, I wouldn't necessarily have rime or headspace to acknowledge the matter with the other parent involved until a later stage, if at all.

It's absolutely not ok to allow your child to be violent towards others or yourself because they have special needs. It's an explanation for their behavior, but never an excuse not to correct it.

A bit of a strange response. Would you say sorry to the other parent and tell

YANBU. DD was attacked at school by a child with additional needs and her teacher said this to me as a way of excusing what he had done. It was framed like, if I had a problem with that, then I was a bad person because the boy has special needs. It really pissed me off.

Them you will remove your child and manage the behaviour? It's not about 'performatively parenting' but reassuring other parents that their child will not be attacked again.

It's an explanation not an excuse my little one was lashing out at an empty wheelchair on a narrow path the other day I restrained him and managed to walk past apologising she responded preaching to the choir and laughed I looked up to find her restraining her son to walk past us

It's our life there is zero reasons why ds lashes out sometimes but I can control it school have been more lax and there have been "incidents" im not going to rip my hair out about it they need to be more careful

Your children csn say stop and move away and speak to an adult ,my son cant hes 12 and completley non verbal ,i dont take him to places where he might get frustrated and hit out at other children ,but people need to recognise that the autistic spectrum is huge its never an excuse for parents not to monitor their childs behaviour and intervene but it can be a reason for such behaviur

Its a diagnosis not a label.

Well thats shit parenting nothing to do with autism 🙄

This is on the school ,why didnt they intervene

If I was to tell them off there and then, it would likely push them into a full meltdown which is going to be distressing for everyone involved, particularly my child. My most likely course of action would be to take them out so they can calm down

I think this is fine though - you're clearly taking your child out of the situation when needed. It's the parents that just let their kid carry on hurting someone else that are the problem, whether the kid has SEN or not

Yes, my children are verbal, but my point was that they struggling with vocalising that they need help. In fact, one of my children can often by non-verbal in situations where she isn't comfortable and regulated.

I totally appreciate there is a spectrum, but all the more important for parents to supervise appropriately according to their child.

No it's not an excuse. It's an explanation but then it's more poor parenting than to do with sen. I helicoptered around mine when they were small as they couldn't be trusted. I still almost risk assess situations subconsciously to make.sure they are and those around them are OK.

Im not disagreeing with you on that point and i dont take my son to places where his behaviour might be unpredictsble ,just pointing out my child doesnt have the cognitive ablity to understand ,why he shouldnt do things

Manage as much as you like but you can’t make humans stop doing things, other than just removing from society (which I think you’ll agree would be unfair). Yes you can shadow them but ultimately unless you know exactly what they are going to do at every moment there is always opportunity.

Over the years we’ve maintained a high adult ratio. Even so things slip through.

I agree with this. I have 2 autistic children and one is violent. We are a split parent family and have gone as far as having one child in each home as the non-violent child needs to be protected from being attacked.

I'm not advocating for removal, just supervision and appropriately reacting if children are violent.

Sorry to hear this. This must be so tough for you.

My youngest has autism and ADHD. He has form for aggressive behaviour when he was younger but is less like this now. Because he and those around him have worked hard on helping him make better choices and understand about actions having consequences. That’s what we’ve always taught him- yes, his impulse control isn’t always great but he can choose to not lash out like at others and hurt them.

When he was smaller and was more difficult to reason these things out with, he was watched like a hawk. I was on his arse constantly to jump in when I needed to. Not always successfully, I’m only human, but apologies were always offered and son and I would leave. I would explain to people where appropriate, my son’s issues but not really as an excuse as such, but an explanation as to why he did what he did.

YABU, I highly doubt that any parent said "It's ok" after they hit your child.

I have 2 autistic children who are non violent. But I've worked in a special school and some children absolutely cannot help lashing out, eg Katie Price's son Harvey.

Honestly, this behaviour is pretty common. One mum even refused to remove her child or supervise her, when she was repeatedly hitting different children. She needed and extremely stern talking to and threats of involving the management. It was really difficult to even find her, as she was nowhere near her violent child.

I don’t doubt, have had this on 2 occasions- I think probably they meant to reassure, rather than to dismiss, but of course, it is dismissive-! I think it comes from a place of stress and I try not to judge, I am also aware that some diagnoses can be hereditary, and would not assume I am dealing with a parent who finds the social niceties of a play park easy to navigate themselves- it’s a lot of assumptions, a lot of generosity in social interactions, and no one is perfect- I tend to teach my dc to move away if they are bothered by another’s behaviour- only once was that not possible- but it should be noted on that occasion the dm refused to stop her larger dc following my son and being violent and insisted that he was ‘just autistic’. Abdicating responsibility to this degree is uncommon, but does happen, in some contexts more that others- for instance I saw far more of this as a teacher than as a parent-!

Oh god that must be so awful, how do you manage to support your angry child while still protecting the vulnerable one, I hope you have support and get a break occasionally