To not think it's ok to excuse aggressive behaviour because of special needs

[BelleMarionette]

I have two autistic children, who are not aggressive. In fact, their disability makes them more vulnerable to aggression and bullying from others.

I have seen more than once though, that they have been attacked, and when the parent of the attacking child is found, they say 'Its ok, they are autistic'

AIBU to think this is not an excuse? If a child is known to be aggressive, then it's all the more reason for parents to supervise and manage there behaviour carefully, rather than excusing it.

I have seen these parents unwilling to correct their child when they are aggressive, or even supervise or remove them from the play area so they don't attack again.

I completely understand how difficult it can be to raise a child with additional needs, but this lack of parental boundaries and supervision, together with facilitating bad behaviour seems completely unacceptable.

It's for this reason that I do not take my children to special needs groups anymore, as they deserve to be safe. They are gentle and don't even hit back. I have had to work on their assertiveness, that it's ok for them to say 'stop' and to move away and speak to an adult.

My daughter was punched in the face by a 14 year old boy who told her, "My mum says I'm allowed to do that because I have autism." I did consider going and punching him myself (my daughter and I are both autistic but she was not diagnosed at the time) but I didn't see his defence working for me!

Every child, special needs or not, is entitled to a safe environment. Special needs is not an excuse to put up with that right being violated.

I think it's really hard.

It's not OK, but then for lots of parents 'correcting' the behaviour can take months/years/never, so the only way to eliminate the risk is to withdraw socially.

I don't think there is a good answer but asking people with a very profoundly autistic kid not to attend support groups doesn't feel like the right solution.

I agree op some parents most definitely use it as an " excuse"! My ds has autism among other diagnoses and i have never and would never excuse any aggression like that! He has been aggressive in the past and been made to apologise once he has calmed down. He has now with extensive help learnt to control his behaviour much better and will either warn someone that he needs to be removed from the situation or he will remove himself from the situation!

I have a young child with additional needs who lashes out physically and I in no way support or excuse this.
She's also been in a position of being regularly hit by another child with additional needs. His Mum in no way condones this.
Another parent whose child has additional needs in the class just shrugs when her child shoves or hits another child.
It's a mixed bunch, but most of us are actually mortified when our child hurts another.

Excuse is not acceptable because when the behaviour of someone you are responsible for is a risk to others, you have a duty to step in.

What should be happening is the people whose role it is to support that person should be doing that effectively and anticipating issues as far as possible and managing ones they failed to anticipate.

My sons are both autistic. I took them out of situations the second I could see them going tits up. I didn't put them in situations in the first place if I risk assessed and determined the hazards were too much.

They are adults now. My elder son was extremely aggressive when young but if someone was injured as a result of that it was not my son's fault. It was my failure if I was the one with him, my husband's if he was or his 1:1 if it happened on their watch.

My younger son is currently very volatile. Would it be his fault if he had a complete meltdown, punched someone and ran into the road and got hit by a bus? No. It would be the fault of whoever was with him at the time who failed to understand his triggers, failed to see the escalation, failed to read his distress, failed to remove him from the situation and, ultimately, failed to restrain him.

Special needs can be used to explain an attack like that, but not excuse it. Saying "It's okay" because the child is autistic is ridiculous.

Tbf and i only speak for my child the special needs groups we have attendeed in.the past ,just cant meet my sons needs ,its not a one size fits all with autism despite s what the groups themselves think ,a lot of the groups put on great activities for children that could partake in groups indepedetly and can concentrate on games etc ,but offer little for my son who is never happier when hes playing with water or spinning to music

It's really difficult. I have two autistic children 6 and 8.

My 8 year old went through a very physical stage, luckily not with other kids but I certainly get the brunt of it and there was nasty incident involving an adult at school. I always viewed it as we can not excuse her behaviour but we absolutely needed to tackle it differently to how you would an NT child. I worked closely with school and obviously at home and we established what methods she needed. When she was so unpredictable she was always arms reach to not enable her to hurt another child because even though she doesn't, it was still a risk. She is much more of a flight risk so a lot of her behaviour support focuses on that but it still applies.

Having additional needs isn't an excuse, those kids grow into adults in the CJS. It does require different, very individual support to tackle.

My DD is also frequently on the other side. She is a highly vulnerable little girl who can't really keep herself safe with peers, this makes her a target. We had an issue about 18 months ago with one little boy and that has been resolved. We are in the midst of a much more serious one with another lad who targets her. He has assaulted her 5 times in 6 weeks in school, this week this involved deliberately smacking her bum. My DD is now scared to go to school, she is currently barely coping after doing so well for so long. This lad has special needs but the impact on my child has been devastating. Parents aren't working with school because he has special needs.

It's awful all round but excusing it and not tackling it does no one any favours

YANBU. I have a nephew who is autistic and has ADHD, my DB and SIL are amazing with him. I think the general consensus and message they give out it is that he may find controlling his behaviour and impulses difficult, but that doesn’t mean he can’t. That’s unfair and unfortunate, he has to in many ways try harder than others, but that’s a fact of life for him unfortunately that he has to deal with and manage. Because as an adult he will have no choice!