Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Partners child demanding he chooses him or me

50 replies

Ishabella · 18/11/2022 05:44

My partner has a 24 transgender son who has many issues both mentally and physically. He lives with a boy.Over the last year I have found his behaviour more unreasonable. Eg we went on holiday for a month and he moved into our flat ( no reason) and when we came home all his washing was still drying all over the house
My partner smoothed things over by minimising them and as they are both very alike can’t see many of the things for what they are . Bizzare.
now the son has said he’s not coming to our house to visit, never wants to see me and has given his father an ultimatum. Chose him or me. The son has stopped speaking to him.
i feel I’ve made many compromises over the 9 years we have been together. They both have autism, the son has a personality disorder and has been rejected by his mother.
I’m at the end of my tether. Should I leave?

OP posts:

Januarcelebration · 18/11/2022 05:48

wether I would leave would depend on how much of a negative impact this is having on you.

DeeCeeCherry · 18/11/2022 05:52

All this stress and angst when life truly is short, isnt worth it. Peace is precious. Move out and live apart. You & partner can still continue relationship.

Ultimately tho if his son doesnt want you around at all then you're fighting a losing battle anyway unless your partner wants to fight for your relationship to the point of excluding his son. I doubt that'd make him/your relationship happy, however.

Bananalanacake · 18/11/2022 05:59

Best to move out and see your dp when his DC is not around.

PriOn1 · 18/11/2022 06:02

You say you’re at the end of your tether, and I think you have your answer there. This isn’t really about your partner’s offspring, it’s about the fact that your partner isn’t fully on your side when his adult child is behaving unreasonably.

It’s understandable that he would put up with a lot himself, but if your needs are not being met because of it, then yes, I think you need to walk away. Sharing a house with someone who puts another adult’s wants above your reasonable expectations can’t really work.

Herejustforthisone · 18/11/2022 06:15

Who owns the flat? What’s your financial position?

2greenroses · 18/11/2022 06:20

Really, the son dried his washing in his father's home? I don't so the issue at all. It sounds like you hate the son, and show it. I doubt this ultimatum from the son has come out of the blue.

If I found my son was drying his washing in my house I would...nothing at all - I wouldn't care, not even worth a mention.

Possibly if he had some very private type underwear in the entrance hall as I had an important visitor arriving..... but I am really scraping the barrel here, trying hard to think of the circumstances in which drying washing would become a problem

marvellousmaple · 18/11/2022 06:22

Yes. I'm not sure why you are worked up about the washing. That seems strange. If one of my boys lived in my house for a month I'd expect them to use it as their own including drying their washing. How is that an issue? The ultimatum is bad but maybe better to just move on as this relationship isn't working.

Paq · 18/11/2022 06:31

I don't believe the people who say they would be perfectly fine with someone moving into their home fo a month and not telling them.

But it doesn't matter, you're not happy. Can you separate for a while and see how you feel? It sounds like a lot of drama to deal with.

gamerchick · 18/11/2022 06:33

I would walk. Life is too short OP.

TheSandgroper · 18/11/2022 06:33

This might be the place to talk it out and get a bit of clarity. It’s hard going if you think you are the only one.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4603720-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasc-support-thread-6

RudsyFarmer · 18/11/2022 06:34

Hell yes I’d leave.

BusyMum47 · 18/11/2022 06:50

I wouldn't move out over washing but there are clearly other issues here. Depends on your partner's attitude to the situation, how invested in the relationship you are, the affect it's all having on your emotional/mental health, your financial position, etc. If you feel like you can't continue, then leave & don't feel guilty about it - life's too short to be miserable when you don't have to be. X

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 18/11/2022 06:50

A 24yo with autism and a personality disorder is not your typical 24yo and may well need to be prioritised by their renaining parent (the relationship with the other parent having already broken down).

If this man is a good person he will be working out how to support his child towards being able to live independently and will be there to help pick up the pieces when things go wrong but also trying to step back as much as possible to allow independence to develop.

It seems that he needs his relationship with you to be more "casual girlfriend" than "life partner" for now. Certainly you shouldn't be living together. If that's not enough for you then you need to look for love elsewhere.

FlipFlop0 · 18/11/2022 07:00

Must be other issues apart from washing drying. If that was your own son and his washing was drying would you care? That's what you have to think about. Are the barriers him, or you?

Oojamaflipp · 18/11/2022 07:04

I'm going to have to assume there are ither concrete issues you haven't mentioned because leaving washing drying in the house after you get home really isn't up there in "you need to have a serious conversation with him" territory.

It sounds like the son has a lot of mental health issues and he probably needs his dad right now.

Do you have children of your own?

Artygirlghost · 18/11/2022 08:28

I think you sound extremely critical of that boy and I wonder if there isn't more to this story.

I don't see why you had to mention that he is transgender and lives with a boy.

How is that relevant?

I would say that boy is probably picking up on the fact that you resent him and his life choices.

The washing is a non-issue as far as I am concerned that just required a bit of tidying up.

I think the issue here is with you.

Original poster

Ishabella · 18/11/2022 08:29

Thanks everyone for your input.
The son has his own flat with his boyfriend. He has lived independently for 4 years. My partner owns the flat we live in. I have two grown up children.28 ,30 One with lupus and the other with a learning difficulty and PTSD from an assault.
My children do not have a good relationship with my partner .
one of my issues is that I’m direct, a good communicator but my partner has been the go between over the years as he is very like his son ( the transition has only happened this year) and I feel many issues have not been addressed.
The son is very assertive,rude and condescending to his father but is unable to take responsibility for his behaviour.
My children think my partner is weird and think his son is weird too. They don’t have contact with either.
when left alone me and my partner get on fine but both our families need our support.
The problem now is the sons demand on his father to choose me or him.
not an easy one .
The other child my partner has . Took money from both parents, got married split up with her husband after 6 months and is now living in Asia with a millionaire she found on the internet. This daughter doesn’t speak to her father so now he feels neither child has a relationship with him.
Its complicated but he’s now piggy in the middle with the son and me.

OP posts:

Justthisonce12 · 18/11/2022 08:29

I think you should leave to be honest, you can go and find somebody else that child can’t find another father

Original poster

Ishabella · 18/11/2022 08:31

That’s my thinking too.
Thanks x

OP posts:

Januarcelebration · 18/11/2022 08:31

After that update I am confused while you are still there at all.

All the kids hate their parents partner? Your kids think he is weird because he is ND?

His kids dared divorce and leave the country and don’t speak to him for no reason and his other child won’t be around you?

It sounds an absolute mess

Newwardrobe · 18/11/2022 08:35

I think you're on a hiding to nothing tbh . My dd has what used to be called bpd and can be very difficult , especially if things aren't going her way, there's no reasoning and will move the goalposts to suit her.
I'd walk away .

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2022 08:38

Jesus woman, pack up your stuff and run far far away. “Getting on fine” when things aren’t kicking off with one or more of the adult children wouldn’t be compensation enough for me. Life is so short, don’t waste it living in a complicated angsty nightmare when you can choose to be free and happy.

Georgeskitchen · 18/11/2022 08:42

Life is too short to be dictated to by someone else's adult son.
Pack you stuff and reclaim your life

pottydimley · 18/11/2022 08:44

Georgeskitchen · 18/11/2022 08:42

Life is too short to be dictated to by someone else's adult son.
Pack you stuff and reclaim your life

This.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 18/11/2022 08:58

The kid was drying his washing in his dad's flat? Pretty normal in my book. Your kids think he is weird. Clearly you and your kids don't like the boy, so how can your relationship with his father continue?

Flip

1 2