Partners child demanding he chooses him or me

[Ishabella]

My partner has a 24 transgender son who has many issues both mentally and physically. He lives with a boy.Over the last year I have found his behaviour more unreasonable. Eg we went on holiday for a month and he moved into our flat ( no reason) and when we came home all his washing was still drying all over the house
My partner smoothed things over by minimising them and as they are both very alike can’t see many of the things for what they are . Bizzare.
now the son has said he’s not coming to our house to visit, never wants to see me and has given his father an ultimatum. Chose him or me. The son has stopped speaking to him.
i feel I’ve made many compromises over the 9 years we have been together. They both have autism, the son has a personality disorder and has been rejected by his mother.
I’m at the end of my tether. Should I leave?

I think you need to leave.

I don't know why you mentioned that the son is trans, or that his partner is male, it's all irrelevant.

This young man needs his father's support and you shouldn't stand in the way of that.

I'd leave too. It all sounds very messy.

I couldn’t be arsed with all that drama to be honest, life is far too short.

My children think my partner is weird and think his son is weird too. They don’t have contact with either.

It all sounds like one big happy family.

I'd leave. Surely you can't be happy in your relationship with your partner when all the kids have gone full on Montague and Capulet?

What a mess. I think your kids are probably right. He’s weird. I’d leave.

Why did he move in when you went away was he having issues in his own flat?

Cut your losses - you don’t need the drama the recently transitioned ND young adult with mental health issues is chucking in your direction.

You are being made the focus of their displeasure; their father obviously needs to support them and you aren’t a part of that. So free yourself from it all and move on, you’re dodging a bullet.

Yep. Him and his family sound like an exhausting mess.

I couldn't be bothered dealing with all the unnecessary drama when I could be enjoying my 50s (I assume) in peace and quiet instead.

I’m not sure this relationship has any future tbh.

I agree. This young person has a lot of challenges and needs his dad.

There's no possible good outcome here. The son has given his father an ultimatum. If dad chooses the son, you're pushed out. If dad chooses you, then his vulnerable son is left alone. If dad continues to try to keep everyone happy and persuades son to back down from the ultimatum, the three of you continue in this very difficult situation.

You may as well end it now, unless you are prepared to step back and play a more minor role by moving out and only seeing your DP occasionally without his son or your own DC around.

How is the fact that your partners son transgender relevant? It’s the first thing you mention in your OP. Why is the son drying his clothing in his fathers flat a problem if he’d been house sitting while you were away? It reads to me that you just don’t like the son.

It all sounds incredibly unhealthy and unpleasant but if you and your partner truly love one another, you’ll find a way to work things out (without unnecessarily hurting or alienating family). If I was in your shoes, if my boyfriends children didn’t like me and asked him to choose, I’d move out. I simply could not come between a parent and their child.

He wasn't house sitting he just moved in for no reason

The transgender was probably so they didn't get accused of drip feeding should questions be asked later

@MyTabbyCats doesn't sound like he was housesitting. OP says he moved in for no reason, so presumably uninvited.

That's weird. I wouldn't want to come back to my home after a month and figure out someone had been stating there without my knowledge or permission. It's icky.

I think the transgender mention was there to complete the larger picture of his mental health struggles and support needs. Also, had it come up later, you all would have accused OP of drip feeding.

And the 'drying all over the flat' sounds like a pointed marking of territory-
Who's property is it @Ishabella?

@MichelleScarn OP saud her partners owned the apartament

Ah, fair enough.

You've been together 9 years with your partner

His adult son doesn't get to give him an ultimatum to chose between you and him. That's plain nasty and abusive, as his Dad has a right to choose his own life and own friends and partner. Same as his son does
Sounds like his adult son has no boundaries and is controlling which isn't healthy. He should respect his father's wishes and rights same as his father respects his.

It'd be different if this was a child DS living with him.

It's only an issue if your DP doesn't tell him to pack it in. And let's his son treat you badly or even listens to this nonsense

If he does, you'll have been wasting your time for years.

It sounds like rather an unpleasant family tbh

He's 24. An adult, whatever his difficulties. He does not dictate.

But it's All to much drama. I'd get out.

In all honesty, it sounds like too much drama. As the saying goes, past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour. And by that reckoning, you are in for a lifetime of drama and upset if you stay in this relationship.

Thank you. I had a look .

What sis you have a look at OP?

Why is it relevant to your post that your SS is transgender and lives with a boy? Completely irrelevant to the AIBU and I wonder if says something more about your attitude to him that you are letting on.

Because they already have a place of their own a relationship of their own and if it comes out later in the thread there will be accusations of "drip feeding" which will derail the thread