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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family members not giving a card/text/present for my children's birthdays after we have fallen out

32 replies

Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 19:41

I have fallen out with my entire family. There's a lot that has happened since my mum and step dad broke up and true colours have come to light. This led me to seeing how toxic my brother/sister/mum has been and me deciding enough is enough for me. Although I don't speak to them, I still whole heartedly expect them to have a relationship with my kids. If they wanted them for an hour I wouldn't say no but none of them have even sent a text to see how they are. It's been 2 out of 3 kids birthdays in October and November and no card/text/present, nothing. Christmas coming up and now I'm worried that because my kids are the only kids in the family, they will want to know them to act as as the perfect grandparent/auntie/uncle. The thought of them dropping my kids on their birthdays but suddenly wanting to know them for Christmas is really frustrating me and I can't work out what to do best for the kids. Do I say no you can't have them at Christmas because you don't bother at all any other time (then risk the kids thinking it's me stopping them seeing my family) or do I swallow the large pill and let the kids go there for an hour if they ask? Don't be too harsh, I'm still trying to build myself up after realising I've been at the bottom of their pile for a long long time.

OP posts:
Fladdermus · 16/11/2022 19:44

I have no relationship with my extended family. They therefore have no relationship with my children. Why would you allow people too toxic for you to be around your kids?

Original poster
Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 19:47

No you're right. I've let them be toxic towards me and that's why I've stopped it but they wouldn't be toxic towards the kids, I know that. That's why I'm having a hard time deciding

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 16/11/2022 19:47

It's really difficult. But if my estranged brother and sister-in-law wanted my ds to visit them at any time I would do whatever it took to make it happen. I never wanted our falling out to affect their relationship with ds, though probably that was naive.

Birthdays are harder to remember than Christmas and a lot if people rely on FB reminders or whatever, so if you're now not in touch on there, they might not have realised.

You don't have to love them or see them but do try not to let your dc be cut off.

Changingplace · 16/11/2022 19:50

I think it’s more likely you won’t hear from them at Christmas either, if you’ve cut them out for good reason why would you want them to have a relationship with your kids & probably treat them as they’ve treated you?

Accept you’re now no contact full stop, I don’t think you should expect anything from them.

Oceanmoonandstars · 16/11/2022 19:50

I fell out with my dad after my first dc was born. He doesn't send cards or presents for any birthday or Christmas. At first I was upset by this as not the childrens fault but actually now I realise its for the best.

You say they wouldn't be toxic to your kids but I highly doubt if they are not great people they could extend a kindness constantly and whole heartedly to your children. It would also be difficult to talk to your kids and not you as their mother. Unfortunately just accept that if they are not in your life they are not in theirs either.

luxxlisbon · 16/11/2022 19:53

Although I don't speak to them, I still whole heartedly expect them to have a relationship with my kids

Very strange expectations. How are they ever going to have a relationship with your kids if you have fallen out with them and don’t speak to them?
Or do you mean they should just dutifully send gifts without actually expecting any kind of relationship.

Original poster
Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 19:54

I'm assuming I'm finding it difficult because it's the first time they haven't bothered with the kids but I'm guessing next year gets easier. I know everything that's being said is true, I just need to drill it into my head and stop being soft. Thanks for the opinions

OP posts:
Boulshired · 16/11/2022 19:57

When you have been cut off (sister in my families case) we took that as that she wanted complete space. We did as a family set up two savings accounts for her children but we didn’t have any contact until they were adults

Original poster
Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 19:59

@luxxlisbon my family aren't the type to send a message or pick the phone up and ask to see my kids. I've always taken the kids to see them. That's the only reason they have a relationship. My kids are oblivious to any arguments and so regardless of our problems, the kids shouldn't be involved. So if they asked to see the kids I would say yes etc until now I'm thinking will they only ask to see the kids because it's christmas. (They haven't asked or seen the kids since May and again that because I arrange it x

OP posts:
RandomPerson42 · 16/11/2022 20:00

You won’t hear from them at christmas either.

My sister hasn’t sent my son a birthday card for 12 years. This after I sent her kids presents for 20 years. We haven’t fallen out but she can rot in hell for that as far as I’m concerned.

I think birthdays are more important than christmas.

sammylady37 · 16/11/2022 20:01

luxxlisbon · 16/11/2022 19:53

Although I don't speak to them, I still whole heartedly expect them to have a relationship with my kids

Very strange expectations. How are they ever going to have a relationship with your kids if you have fallen out with them and don’t speak to them?
Or do you mean they should just dutifully send gifts without actually expecting any kind of relationship.

I agree that it’s bizarre you ‘whole heartedly’ expect them to have a relationship with your children after you’ve fallen our with them. Why would you expect that and why would you even want that? And how do you think it would work?

Lillysmamma · 16/11/2022 20:01

I think if you believe this estrangement is going to be permanent then it will make your life easier if they don’t have involvement in your DCs Christmas. I personally wouldn’t want them to have any involvement in your situation, as you could in the long run look like the awkward one whilst they show only good times to your DC.

Changingplace · 16/11/2022 20:03

Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 19:59

@luxxlisbon my family aren't the type to send a message or pick the phone up and ask to see my kids. I've always taken the kids to see them. That's the only reason they have a relationship. My kids are oblivious to any arguments and so regardless of our problems, the kids shouldn't be involved. So if they asked to see the kids I would say yes etc until now I'm thinking will they only ask to see the kids because it's christmas. (They haven't asked or seen the kids since May and again that because I arrange it x

If you facilitated the relationship they did have then I think it’s a strange expectation that they would now contact you to see the kids when you’re not speaking to them.

I think you need to accept you don’t have them in yours or your kids lives now.

ABJ100 · 16/11/2022 20:03

So you have no relationship with them, but want them to have a relationship with the kids? It doesn't make sense why that should happen.

IncompleteSenten · 16/11/2022 20:06

Do you not realise that not acknowledging your children's birthdays because you've fallen out is the very definition of being toxic towards the children?

Original poster
Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 20:06

@sammylady37 I guess because I don't want my children to grow up and think their mum has stopped them building a relationship with their nan/aunties/uncles because of my issues with them. I know they'll eventually find out for themselves but is it my right to make the decision for them? 2 of my kids are autistic and so change is massive. They both asked why no one rang them or sent them a card. This is a massive reason to why I still whole heartedly want them to have a relationship. I obviously can't force my family to have that relationship but at the same time I don't want them to resent me later on if that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 20:08

@IncompleteSenten I didn't until you put it into a sentence. I'm still learning myself. Thank you that's more than helpful

OP posts:
Brandymakesmerandy · 16/11/2022 20:12

None of my extended family have anything to do with me or my kids and it's fine with me 🤷‍♀️
They don't need the toxic environment and certainly don't need their gifts.

mindutopia · 16/11/2022 20:17

I would assume if you have no relationship then your dc wouldn’t either. I think the other way around is more the exception than the norm, but I suppose depends on what exactly has happened and if they had a close relationship before.

I no longer have a relationship with my family. It’s taken quite a long time (and moving house!) to make sure they can’t attempt to have a relationship with my dc.

If you truly don’t want them in your life, it’s best for your dc that they aren’t in their life either. Unless your dc are older and very close to them, I can’t imagine they’d even notice. I had no real relationship with most of my aunts/uncles and one set of grandparents growing up and I honestly never even thought about it. My eldest dc is 9 and has asked about my family maybe 4 times since we went NC a few years ago. 4 year old has no idea they even existed. They aren’t bothered. It’s us as grownups and all our pain and baggage that make it feel like a big deal. Kids are focused on the here and now, so I really wouldn’t overthink it.

sammylady37 · 16/11/2022 20:17

Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 20:06

@sammylady37 I guess because I don't want my children to grow up and think their mum has stopped them building a relationship with their nan/aunties/uncles because of my issues with them. I know they'll eventually find out for themselves but is it my right to make the decision for them? 2 of my kids are autistic and so change is massive. They both asked why no one rang them or sent them a card. This is a massive reason to why I still whole heartedly want them to have a relationship. I obviously can't force my family to have that relationship but at the same time I don't want them to resent me later on if that makes sense

It seems like you want to have your cake and eat it tbh. You want to take a stand and make a point and go NC with them yourself, but yet still want your kids to have what you perceive as the benefits of a relationship with them, the cards/calls/gifts etc. if a family member had gone NC with me, I’m not sure I’d be happy to be used in that way, tbh

Original poster
Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 20:20

I can assure you it's not me using them. But thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 20:23

@mindutopia most likely is me over thinking what could happen before it's actually happened. Pretty sure I know the answers, just needed someone else's opinion on it to make sure I'm not acting out of spite etc

OP posts:
Roundandnour · 16/11/2022 20:35

From experience the family will be toxic towards your children.

From experience they will use your children as a way to get to you and continue to be toxic to you.

i know it’s harder when they have sn never mind wanting to protect them. I would just tell mine I really didn’t know. And that first year I really didn’t as I didn’t expect them to be that spiteful.

Rainraindontgoaway · 16/11/2022 20:36

If these people are that bad you don’t want them in your life why would you want them in your DCs life’s?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 16/11/2022 20:39

Nah it doesn’t work like that.

You can’t have them out of your life, except when there’s presents to be had