Family members not giving a card/text/present for my children's birthdays after we have fallen out

[Mummybearto3bg]

I have fallen out with my entire family. There's a lot that has happened since my mum and step dad broke up and true colours have come to light. This led me to seeing how toxic my brother/sister/mum has been and me deciding enough is enough for me. Although I don't speak to them, I still whole heartedly expect them to have a relationship with my kids. If they wanted them for an hour I wouldn't say no but none of them have even sent a text to see how they are. It's been 2 out of 3 kids birthdays in October and November and no card/text/present, nothing. Christmas coming up and now I'm worried that because my kids are the only kids in the family, they will want to know them to act as as the perfect grandparent/auntie/uncle. The thought of them dropping my kids on their birthdays but suddenly wanting to know them for Christmas is really frustrating me and I can't work out what to do best for the kids. Do I say no you can't have them at Christmas because you don't bother at all any other time (then risk the kids thinking it's me stopping them seeing my family) or do I swallow the large pill and let the kids go there for an hour if they ask? Don't be too harsh, I'm still trying to build myself up after realising I've been at the bottom of their pile for a long long time.

What makes you think they will ask if they’ve not for birthdays? I mean that politely but I’d not be all stressed and assuming they want to see them or babysit. It feels ro me the relationship break is not one sided, they feel the same.

Op, it’s very hard to read about how toxic these people are but you want them to habe a relationship with your kids, baby sit, give presents etc.

if they are toxic your instinct should be to protect and not hand them over and want pressies.

My dad was toxic. He was toxic to me and on that basis I never let him see my children. I didn’t want them to have to experience something I could protect them from. You can do the same

I'm not sure why you would expect them to send birthday presents or want to see them at Christmas or why you would even allow that if you did want to. We are NC with a family member and I wouldn't dream of sending their children presents and I wouldn't accept any either.

My SIL cut me off. She told my husband that was her intention, she still continues to send Christmas presents, birthday presents and even Easter eggs for my kids. I find it odd and a bit offensive if I’m honest, the breakdown of our relationship is wholly on her and I find it weird and controlling to send gifts for children she otherwise has no interest in. She’s not even met my youngest. It’s always absolute cheap tat too. So just adding to a landfill. To add to insult she drops it at my parents - she could easily drop into me en-route. I don’t send hers anything, I think it’s really hypocritical. If she wants to make amends my door is open and I always extend invites to family get together at my house to my brother and SIL.

I think YABU. If your kids are young in many ways they are an extension of you and you’d have to facilitate that relationship. It doesn’t sound like that would work in the circumstances. I wouldn’t leave my kids with anyone I didn’t want anything to do with.

Same here - youngest SIL was very vocal about how much we should all spend on kids presents and we should buy up to age 21. We did this for her kids but she didn’t bother with ours.
We’ve not a row but I’ve changed how I deal with her and didn’t send her any cards last year. I live in hope she’ll change but past behaviour shows me she won’t- easier to accept they won’t bother with you and focus your energies on your children OP