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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DH to go away?

37 replies

DilemmaDelilah · 16/11/2022 18:48

For context. My DH is retired and I work from home in a frequently very demanding and stressful job. He is REALLY great at looking after the house, doing most of the cooking during the week and he brings me regular cups of coffee. However.... he never seems to realise that I am WORKING! Usually it's not a problem - he can hear when I'm in a meeting and doesn't come in then, but if I'm not in a meeting he quite often wants to discuss things or to have a chat. This morning I was swamped with work and extremely stressed with numerous things needing to be completed before a meeting at 1pm. This week has been really busy as a whole as I was on leave last week. He came in to bring me coffee as I was in the middle of a complicated piece of work... I said thank you nicely... and then he just stood there, obviously wanting to talk about something. I'm afraid I just said to him 'I love you dearly but please go away'. He was considerably miffed and went out slamming the door. For further information we have lunch together every day and I had scheduled half an hour for this so we could have talked then. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 16/11/2022 18:54

You have to make allowance for his circumstances, just like he has to make allowance for your circumstances.

I've voted YABU as whilst you were busy, you were inconsiderate about how he might be feeling too.

The gesture of bringing you a cup of tea was a thoughtful one.

Orangepolentacake · 16/11/2022 18:54

You could have said “I need to concentrate, have a deadline etc” rather than “go away”

Meraas · 16/11/2022 18:55

alwayslearning789 · 16/11/2022 18:54

You have to make allowance for his circumstances, just like he has to make allowance for your circumstances.

I've voted YABU as whilst you were busy, you were inconsiderate about how he might be feeling too.

The gesture of bringing you a cup of tea was a thoughtful one.

No, he needs to realise that his wife is working.

What did you want OP to do, ignore her work even though she is swamped and stressed, to mollycoddle him?

DuplicateUserName · 16/11/2022 18:57

Have you posted about this before, very recently?

HoHoHowMuch · 16/11/2022 18:58

What conversations have you had about working from home ome boundaries? If you have never suggested to him that you are at work and need to keep professional in those hours then just snapping one day is a but mean. If you have discussed before and he doesn't respect that, then it makes more sense thst you have reached end of tether.

CatRatSplat · 16/11/2022 18:59

My oh works from home and I am the one to interrupt. We have a system where he shuts his door to tell me I can't talk to him at moment. Can you do something like that?

Blueberry111 · 16/11/2022 19:00

Why did you say go away? That's not really nice. Just say your busy atm or need to concentrate will talk later.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/11/2022 19:03

I'm not there yet, but is it normal for one person in a couple to still be working full time in a stressful job from home, and for the other to be just doing housework? Couldn't you both go part time? (I don't know by the way, im not there yet, just seems a recipe for constant conflict)

DuplicateUserName · 16/11/2022 19:16

arethereanyleftatall · 16/11/2022 19:03

I'm not there yet, but is it normal for one person in a couple to still be working full time in a stressful job from home, and for the other to be just doing housework? Couldn't you both go part time? (I don't know by the way, im not there yet, just seems a recipe for constant conflict)

He's retired. Why would he want to go back to work?

Original poster
DilemmaDelilah · 16/11/2022 19:21

@DuplicateUserName No I haven't posted about this before.
@arethereanyleftatall I am still working because I am several years younger than him and can't claim my state pension yet. We can't manage without my wage. We agreed that he would take over most of the household tasks while I work. He was also meant to take over the 'life admin' but that hasn't worked so well!
@Orangepolentacake and @HoHoHowMuch I have discussed this with him numerous times before, nicely, and I told him this morning how busy I was and how I needed to concentrate to get everything done.
@CatRatSplat We don't have central heating and I have a small heater in my office so I can't leave the door open if I'm not busy unfortunately. In summer that is just what I do - I don't shut the door unless I don't want to be disturbed.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 16/11/2022 19:26

I am in the same situation as DH retired in Jan

I know he misses a bit of company sometimes, so I’ll just say “I can’t talk about this now, but make me a brew in xxx, and we can catch up then” - the xxx can be anything between 10 minutes and 2 hours

alwayslearning789 · 16/11/2022 19:30

Meraas · 16/11/2022 18:55

No, he needs to realise that his wife is working.

What did you want OP to do, ignore her work even though she is swamped and stressed, to mollycoddle him?

Show quote history

Who said anything about mollycuddling?

alwayslearning789 · 16/11/2022 19:34

Acknowledgement and direction as to when she will available is fine.... @ExtraOnions approach quite sensible and sensitive.

Original poster
DilemmaDelilah · 16/11/2022 19:48

@ExtraOnions and @alwayslearning789 I agree that is a good approach. That is why we always have lunch together, so he knows we always have some time together in the middle of the day. It is only VERY rarely that I cannot take any time off somewhere around the middle of the day, although the time varies according to my meeting times.

OP posts:
JackTorrance · 16/11/2022 20:14

You have to make allowance for his circumstances, just like he has to make allowance for your circumstances.

OP is literally at work! Imagine if people's partners came barging into their offices to blether at them - how is this any different?

TooCloseToTheProject · 16/11/2022 20:21

@JackTorrance I agree!

I don't think you said anything wrong OP, you told your DH you loved him first and had warned him about what your day was going to be like. I do think this is the disadvantage of WFH. You sound very generous with your time, sharing your lunch break with him every day. What would he do if you didn't WFH? Does he have any hobbies? Maybe he could take up volunteering so that he has something else to do on the day?

Brigante9 · 16/11/2022 20:21

She’s working, I’d be unhappy to be disturbed too. What did he want? Praise for making you tea? A chat? He needs to understand you’re busy!

Dontbelieveawordofit · 16/11/2022 20:23

If this was the other way around and it was DH working and the wife constantly interrupting, demanding attention, she would be getting called all kinds of needy. OP has said she has talked to him about it repeatedly and he still persists in his unreasonable behaviour.
OP I can see the closed door is not going to work. Maybe a 'do not disturb' sign - or is that going too far?
At the very least, I'd let him know you'll make your own cuppas as and when you can, which will save him having excuse to pop in on you when you're busy.

Herejustforthisone · 16/11/2022 20:25

alwayslearning789 · 16/11/2022 19:34

Acknowledgement and direction as to when she will available is fine.... @ExtraOnions approach quite sensible and sensitive.

Why should she have to spoon feed this to her retired husband? He knows how work works. For fuck’s sake. Stop apologising for selfish male behaviour.

Original poster
DilemmaDelilah · 16/11/2022 20:39

@TooCloseToTheProject I would love it if he had some hobbies that took him out of the house but he's not really interested in anything and he has a condition which means he gets tired easily so he doesn't like to do that much without me. He is ok going shopping or to appointments if he feels well enough, and he likes photography but he 's not confident about going out where there might not be anyone around in case he is unwell. That is why we I don't expect him to do all the domestic tasks - he does whatever he can manage. He's not a hugely sociable person though - he just loves being with me which is very nice.... but can also be quite annoying! Bless him.

OP posts:
CatRatSplat · 17/11/2022 08:02

Yes I agree with pp, if the door idea won't work, use an agreed signal that you cannot be interrupted, a note, something in the doorway, headphones on, upside down cup. Come up with it together.

I know it's frustrating for both. I've just been talked at while writing this and he got huffy as I wasn't listening, so we all do it!

thelobsterquadrille · 17/11/2022 08:11

He's bored and wants attention and company.

I would happily tell DH to go away if he was bothering me - but we have a direct relationship in that sense and don't faff about trying to be "kind" all the time.

Honesty is the best policy in these situations.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 17/11/2022 08:13

I think you were perfectly polite, I cant imagine you said that in a nasty tone, and I've said to my DH something similar before and he doesnt throw a tantrum.

I WFH and my job is permanently snowed under busy, DH doesnt disturb me. He might come and ask a quick question & I'll reply but knows a conversation is not possible. TBF I'm on the phone or in meetings 95% of the time so he can hardly talk to me then anyway.

alongtimeagoandfaraway · 17/11/2022 08:51

This used to drive me mad. My husband would bring me a drink and want to chat. I would be snowed under, not want a drink anyway and certainly not want to take attention away from what I was meant to be focusing on to pretend gratitude for something I didn’t want and hadn’t asked for.
He felt I was ungrateful and it took a lot of explanation before he actually listened enough to understand that I was not grateful because he was not listening to me and he was persisting in doing something I had told him I didn’t want. He just had this image of him doing a nice thing for me and was irritated because I wasn’t supporting that image.

Now he knows to leave me be. I have a jug of water on my desk and if I want a hot drink in the working day I will come and get it myself.

AgathaMystery · 17/11/2022 08:55

Ah I could have typed this. Me and DH both WFH but I go in one day a week. He is now perm WFH.

I sit in the office that he refuses to use and work. He is up and down stairs like a yo-yo. My heart sinks when I hear him as I know he will want a chat and I like to be immersed and in the zone for WFH. I struggle to get into the zone so once in there I’m all over it.

he hovers at the door and I have to say sorry, I can’t chat. Love you but bye! He now goes to a friends house to WFH 2 days a week. Such bliss.

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