to think the advice on being excluded on mn or being confrontational is highly unrealistic

[nickytjj]

Does anybody else think that the advice on mn when people get left out by a social group as to confront the host is pretty unrealistic advice? Like yea in theory we could do it but it's pretty impossible to do and even humiliating/desperate to do in reality. Yet the consensus on so many threads is to 'ask why you weren't invited' or if no invite comes '' ask were you supposed to be invited''.

In reality nobody I Know would actually do this but on mn it sounds like it's standard.

I also see people saying stuff like ''why didn't you call her/them out'' when an op posts about being mistreated when yes we often would like to do this but in reality it is often much harder to call people out on their behaviour especially when it is a group dynamic. It takes a lot of courage to call people on things like this, especially when you know they are likely to ridicule you for it and minimise your concerns. Yet mn make it sound like standing your ground to others is a walk in the park.

AIBU to think that posters are unrealistic when they give such advice?

Because people are all different and those posters are saying what they would do.

A lot of advice on here is extremely confrontational and adversarial. Husbands are to be sat down and so on.

Then on the other side you get pages and pages of posters insisting they wouldn’t even have noticed what was clearly a dig and that you are sensitive / dramatic.

I think it is unrealistic. I usually quietly move on when I don't like certain behaviour. I once sent a polite message saying I was not happy about a friend's behaviour and it has resulted in being ignored and problems with the friendship group.

I really don't think anybody in their right mind would ask the hosts of a function were they invited if they didn't get an invite. It would make me cringe to the high heavens.

Has it only just occurred to you that most posters talk out of their arse about social interaction and relationships on here??!!!

Has it only just occurred to you that most posters talk out of their arse about social interaction and relationships on here

why lie though? I mean we are anonymous here so why bother?I regularly add to forums but I say my truth and my perception, I have nothing to gain by otherwise.

I find advice on mn is tantamount to communism. Everyone is expected to give up their wage/house/car etc to the less fortunate, irresponsible demanding sibling, under this weird equality vibe that is often totally unwarranted and leads to emotional abuse imo.

Another 1 I'd add to the list is going to HR or report staff for doing x, y and z or anything not pc correct. Yes in theory we should but in reality in the workplace is a complex jungle and by reporting colleagues and superiors we can make life much harder for ourselves and have our card marked.

Not just about those two things.

Me too, god knows why but they do. As someone said above advice is often highly adversarial and dramatic. They are usually livid, fumin, 'couldnt get over that' etc etc. Usually involving berating their husband or partner without any sense of self awareness

No is a complete answer. Thats another one. I saw a poster try to justify that on a thread once!!!

Yes true, I think I minimised the whole situation there!!!

What I find quite unusual, is the amount of advice saying that someone was awful to exclude the OP, but over on another thread when someone doesn't want to extend an invite then they are fair and reasonable to do so. And that kind of thing is where the wheels come off on advice boards, because it is complicated - and nuanced, and a LOT of posters don't have the emotionally capacity to cope with that.

Many people use this site as light entertainment and the comments reflect that. Users give advice that will result in drama, excitement... because to those people the OPs lives are like a soap opera, something to keep them occupied for 15 minutes, give them a laugh, they don't live with the consequences.

What I find quite unusual, is the amount of advice saying that someone was awful to exclude the OP, but over on another thread when someone doesn't want to extend an invite then they are fair and reasonable to do so

yes agreed I'd also say on this theme that there was a thread on a mum who's child told another girl ''we don't want to play with you'' and many on the thread were supportive of the op's daughter for being assertive. I was horrified by this and can't imagine the posters would be saying the same if the excluded child was their child.

They probably wouldn’t. Easy to be tough behind a keyboard.

I don't think they are. They might be saying what they think they'd like to say, but I suspect very few would actually say it.

That goes for most of the suggested smart responses, whatever the situation, TBH

90% of that kind of advice on here is crap and most MNers that make that advice wouldn’t say boo to a goose

The best one was someone whose child had been told off by another parent at soft play and someone responded that if a parent did that to them, they’d do a flying karate kick to the throat. No you wouldn’t mate.

I nose on here, and 95% of the time I think what a massive bunch of toxic fuckers! I can't imagine ever actually asking for advice on here because people get mobbed and everyone just becomes so nasty!

Well some obviously do because I'm one of them. I might not be as abrasive as some of the suggestions, but I would certainly speak up. Many of those posters are talking about a good friend leaving them out, for example. If you can't talk honestly to your 'good friend' then they are not a good friend are they.

In fact, many of them won't even tell their own partner they don't want to do something, like that '12 relatives for Christmas thread'. Again, if you can't be honest with your partner then your relationship is pretty bad tbh.

@WallaceinAnderland I was just thinking this. If I heard any of my close friends were having a party that the rest of us were invited to and I wasn’t I would definitely ask about it.

BUT my asking would come from the “I’m assuming this is a mistake mate” not “I can’t believe you purposely didn’t invite me and I’m really hurt” because my friends are not dicks and don’t generally do horrible things, so I would assume the best not the worst of them until proved wrong.

I’ve also asked to come to things that I know I haven’t been invited to because I’m at a loose end/interested in it/not interested but haven’t seen some people for a while, which I appreciate is a bit weirder but still no one seems to mind!

If it was a neighbour or a friend of a friend or someone less close then I wouldn’t say anything, but I don’t think I’d be massively hurt either…

Well some obviously do because I'm one of them.

If you read my post I did use the word “probably”, I didn’t say it applied to ALL posters who said that.

I was just thinking this. If I heard any of my close friends were having a party that the rest of us were invited to and I wasn’t I would definitely ask about it.
BUT my asking would come from the “I’m assuming this is a mistake mate” not “I can’t believe you purposely didn’t invite me and I’m really hurt” because my friends are not dicks and don’t generally do horrible things, so I would assume the best not the worst of them until proved wrong

but that's easy to say from an outside view. When these things happen we are usually so blindsided and shocked we can freeze and not know what to do. Any many ops who were excluded would have had the view you had before the exclusion.

Yes, the general consensus on every thread about workplace concerns (especially a bad manager) is invariably to report someone to HR. The posts make it sound like every company have an independent, objective HR department. In reality, everywhere that I've worked the HR department would (other than in the case of a very very serious complaint) just pass the matter on to the line manager of that person, who would invariably back the more senior person. The HR department were very aware that the directors could hire and fire them as well so it would have to be a very extreme complaint for them to go against what the directors said. In many industries there are a small number of employers in the area and the 'bosses' all know each other so there's also a fear that if you make a complaint against one employer the others will be told that you are a trouble causer so it will be harder for you to move on. Plus most smaller businesses don't have an HR department. The reality is that even where a complaint is probably justified, most people will put up with minor issues and leave it they are unhappy.

In many industries there are a small number of employers in the area and the 'bosses' all know each other so there's also a fear that if you make a complaint against one employer the others will be told that you are a trouble causer so it will be harder for you to move on...The reality is that even where a complaint is probably justified, most people will put up with minor issues and leave it they are unhappy

this, I agree with this in spades. I've seen racist/homophobia/inappropriate sexual comments and harassment, double standards etc. in the workplace. But on mn I'd be urged to go and report it. Doing so would mean going against my superiors etc and they'd know it was me as I'd be reporting it to their friends.

I can't think of anything more dangerous for me. You are right in reality many of us know it's safer to keep our heads down and turn a blind eye. I'm not saying that's right but it's the way it is. To think just because you have a justified complaint in the workplace you should report it and justice will be served is a mn fantasy.

People love to watch drama unfold from a safe distance. I guarantee most people offering confrontational "advice" would never do anything of the sort. They want to vicariously agitate the situation and watch for updates with some popcorn.