to think the advice on being excluded on mn or being confrontational is highly unrealistic

[nickytjj]

Does anybody else think that the advice on mn when people get left out by a social group as to confront the host is pretty unrealistic advice? Like yea in theory we could do it but it's pretty impossible to do and even humiliating/desperate to do in reality. Yet the consensus on so many threads is to 'ask why you weren't invited' or if no invite comes '' ask were you supposed to be invited''.

In reality nobody I Know would actually do this but on mn it sounds like it's standard.

I also see people saying stuff like ''why didn't you call her/them out'' when an op posts about being mistreated when yes we often would like to do this but in reality it is often much harder to call people out on their behaviour especially when it is a group dynamic. It takes a lot of courage to call people on things like this, especially when you know they are likely to ridicule you for it and minimise your concerns. Yet mn make it sound like standing your ground to others is a walk in the park.

AIBU to think that posters are unrealistic when they give such advice?

Well I did say until proven wrong, but I haven’t been yet.

If, when I said, “I’m assuming this is a mistake mate” they said “no, no mistake - I don’t like you and you’re not invited” then that’s a whole different board game.

But your OP was about not confronting/asking at all, which just would never happen!

@FlipFlop0 Ditto to this, I posted something the other day, very similar about being excluded by a group and was told to 'man up' or to 'get over it'. Difficult when you come here for general decent advice and get knocked down.

I very much keep myself to myself now.

@Classical24 Yes people are just horrible x

I posted something the other day, very similar about being excluded by a group and was told to 'man up' or to 'get over it'. Difficult when you come here for general decent advice and get knocked down

yes there is alot of ''you viewed the friendship differently to them....move on'' advice which is never really helpful. People seem to totally lack empathy.

A lot of the advice on here is what people would like to do, not what they would actually do. It's very easy to advise to tell your overbearing MIL to fuck off, for example, but would you actually? I think not, unless you are completely socially inept.

Er, who do you think HR work for?

They are not impartial they work for the directors and CEO.

They're there to cover the organisation's ass not to act as the welfare/tea and sympathy department for staff. No matter what it says on the tin.

And thank god too as a HR person I can think of nothing worse than being the tea and sympathy department.

I do agree, where the OP has made clear their 'friends' have lied. Eg OP asks what friends are up to at the weekend, friend says a quiet one, then OP finds out that friend had a big party with a load of mutual friends.

If they lied to the OPs face, they are not going to come out and tell them the truth behind the reason. They will do the whole 'oh I thought I asked you, so sorry!'.

And there have been threads where the OP has politely and reaonsably confronted their friend (eg friend who lied about not being able to come to an event, turned out they CBA, the OP told them that they felt very disappointed as it's the 10th time in a row and their kids are upset), and the friend goes mad and accuses the OP of having no respect for their mental health etc

Having said that, I would ask the blokes I know directly, and have done so before and it has gone ok

I also agree with the HR thing. Unless you are well respected have been working there a long time and aomeone has done something overtly awful infront of a load of witnesses...even in places with proper and impartial HR it can often turn into a he said / she said situation and result in gossip and being labelled a troublemaker etc

Mn is dominated by posters who struggle with friendships and have poor social skills — see the plethora of regular threads about school run ‘cliques’, not answering the door, ever, and not having friends because they’re ‘too much drama’.

Some of the advice on here is absolutely shocking though. And it makes me cringe for the person advising it, like you’d ever even dream of making a scene in the playground where your child goes to school

Given most people here don't seem to even answer their own front door or telephone, it's very very unlikely they're going to challenge someone if they're not invited to an event.

Yes, that's basically what I meant. Many posts about workplace complaints (even sometimes what seems to be just a personal disagreement or staff not getting along) get loads of responses telling them to get HR involved as if the are, as you put it, the tea and sympathy department/independent arbiters. In reality they would not be remotely interested in a lot of the issues posted about and even where there's a legitimate complaint their first priority will be protecting the business not the employee.

Many posts about workplace complaints (even sometimes what seems to be just a personal disagreement or staff not getting along) get loads of responses telling them to get HR involved as if the are, as you put it, the tea and sympathy department/independent arbiters. In reality they would not be remotely interested in a lot of the issues posted about and even where there's a legitimate complaint their first priority will be protecting the business not the employee

yes I agree with this but there's also a dogma on mn that if everybody is not 100 percent professional at work report them or confront them. That just would be be bad practice and could really make your life hell.

I;ve heard and seen mgmt and people over me being totally unprofessional but as if I'd actually confront them. I worked in a school too any my headmaster could be totally unprofessional but going to report them would be career suicide for me. That's how the real world works.MN is quite too idealistic.